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I know what you’re thinking.
But no.
“Let’s have sex” … are actually NOT the three sexiest words a woman can say to a man.
They might be the most instantly sex-inducing words she can say, but they’re not the sexiest. Sexy is about way more than sex.
Also, if you read my recent article, The Sexiest 3 Words a Man Can Say to a Woman, you might infer that these are the three sexiest words a woman can say to a man: “YOU get this.”
But again, no.
A man connected to his masculine essence won’t generally find it sexy to be ordered around by an intimate partner. Most women don’t find a man who will follow their orders very sexy, either.
After all, there’s nothing sexy about a doormat, or walking on one. (dominatrixing is outside the scope of this exploration)
The three words I’m talking about – whether she whispers them in his ear or writes them in sharpie on a pizza box top and subtly pushes them into his view – can quickly flood his spinal cord with backbone fluid, snap his shoulders square and unfurl his superman cape.
They’re so potent that a man freshly armed with these words may suddenly find himself inspired to leap tall buildings in a single bound and rescue kittens from trees. They definitely inspire him to show up for her, whatever that looks like in the moment.
These three words make him feel deeply sexy.
These three words make everyone feel sexy.
For when he truly receives them, they trigger his primal masculinity, strengthening him with resolve, deepening his commitment to purpose. For her to authentically offer them, she must allow herself to relax and surrender ambition to control how this moment flows, which is enlivening to her sensual feminine essence.
With these three words, she is essentially saying, “I know you’ve got this.”
The three sexiest words a woman can say to a man are: “I trust you.”
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“I don’t trust you.”
My last serious relationship had core problems around trust.
For five years, I ached for her trust in me, but she would never fully offer it. She never admitted this, but she was still angry over her ex-husband’s sexual betrayal, and I was paying the price. In fairness, though, I wasn’t yet a man fully worthy of her trust. Early in our relationship, before we had even agreed on being monogamous, she caught me in a lie which antagonized her betrayal wound. My lie set fire to her toxic waste pond.
Disregarding what would soon become a raging hellfire, we moved in together.
Since we’re talking sexy here, I’ll share that we had exquisite sex. Lots of it. Delicious physical pleasure. Truly. Lots.
But without trust, neither one of us allowed ourselves to be truly vulnerable with each other. Neither of us felt safe to surrender to the blissful exchange of love energy that flows between two people in a healthy intimacy, which requires vulnerability.
She gave me her body during sex, but often withheld her true heart. She didn’t feel emotionally safe with me, so she rarely offered the immense love inside her that ached for expression in our relationship.
We looked sexy together on the outside, and we had physical pleasure, but we felt awful in our depths.
“True sexy” arises from a person’s depths.
True sexy is about being deeply empowered in your entire being; it’s about moving through the world connected and aligned to your deepest truth. Stepping fully into the brilliance of you who are, mind, body, heart and soul, in this very moment. As a sexy friend of mine wrote recently on my Facebook wall, “I feel sexiest when I am living who I really am.”
In my relationship, we did not feel safe to give the gift of our true selves to each other. She was persistently afraid I would abandon her, so she held back the gift of her trust and her full love. I was persistently frustrated by her attempts to control me, so I resisted completely cherishing her and showing up for her in countless ways.
Resentment seethed during the 23 hours a day when we weren’t having sex. We were often either dodging blame or flinging it at each other like monkey feces.
It was not a sexy experience.
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When a woman trusts a man, she’s trusting in the gift of his masculinity to protect and provide strength and effective direction in this moment.
She is letting go of worry, allowing herself to open and soften any walls around her sensual, feeling heart. She melts into vulnerability and offers the expression of her true self in this moment.
To be told, “I trust you,” by a woman is to be told:
“I trust that you will hold me and everything I care about as infinitely precious; that you will act to protect and cherish my life, my heart, as well as the lives and hearts of those I care about: my children, my mothers and my sisters, too, for our hearts are all one. I also trust that you will be a place of steadfast strength I can anchor to when I might otherwise be overcome by the turbulent winds of this ever-changing moment. I offer my real self to you, relaxed and vulnerable, confident that your best self will keep me safe as I do.”
Or something like that.
A woman’s willingness to be her true, unguarded self is an essential aspect of her feminine gift, for her femininity shines through when she relaxes into herself.
Whether the warm glow emanating from her lit-up eyes, the sensual swing in her confident step or the raw unbridled truth in her authentic sharing, her femininity is wildly attractive to many men. It even compels men to step deeper into their own innate masculinity.
In other words, these three words can inspire a man to claim his birthright as a responsible, loving, ethical being who champions all life and passionately serves the greater good.
They routinely inspire him to not let her down. And every man wants to make his woman proud of him.
Imagine a world in which all men are genuinely worthy of any woman’s trust.
Also imagine also a world in which every woman is so deeply connected to the wondrous being she already is – whole enough, worthy enough, lovable enough – that her trust in herself allows her to relax and offer her authentic feminine gifts freely to her partner because she can now trust him to always be whomever he chooses to be.
Damn, that would be one sexy planet!
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I disagree
It doesn’t matter what words are spoken, Trust isn’t a spoken thing its a demonstrated thing.
Reblogged this on Just Think.
I love this.
The divine feminine in me find your words healing. Thank you for sharing you wisdom and clarity. Keep Shining.
Thank you for saying so, Klara. That’s empowering to know. Bryan
Dear Bryan,
By kismet it seems I was destined to read your article tonight. The timing couldn’t be more appropriate as my fiance and I have had a very rough past month. The major problem that we’ve been dealing with is exactly what you wrote about: TRUST.
For my own [valid] reasons, I have had an extremely difficult time trusting him, and I know this has left him feeling stifled, small and resentful. I believe it is also one of the reasons that drove him to seek emotional support from another woman. That was completely my fault.
Just as you wrote in your article, [he] and I have a PHENOMENAL sex life. I’m talking once, sometimes twice a day, every other day, sometimes every day! But I feel like without trust, our relationship is missing a major link.
I love him. And he deserves to hear the words that you say are the sexiest words a woman can say to a man: “I trust you.”
Time after time, he has asked me why I don’t trust him, and I know he has longed for my trust.
So tonight…when I know he’ll be least expecting it, I’m going to tell him, genuinely, that I trust him.
Thank you for your insight. I’m so happy to have discovered you! I look forward to learning more about your teachings!
Sincerely,
Rose
Rose. That’s inspiring. I sincerely hope this little insight can support a profound shift in your relationship. I would love to hear more from you in the future as to how this unfolds. I also offer deep transformational relationship coaching for couples just like you. In any case, please feel free to keep me informed. You can email me at [email protected].
Hi Bryan, I sent this link to my husband to read. We’ve been married for 8 years and on many occasions I have said to him that I didn’t feel like I could trust him. No matter how hard I tried to explain what I meant by that, I know I didn’t explain it well enough for him to understand – then here you were taking the thoughts out of my head and into writing. My husband would never know what would trip the bomb that would blow up my trust – and yet I was at a loss as to how to relate this to him. Thank you. And in reading your words(in this post and others) it pointed to me the ways in which I am in need of healing as he is. Thank you for being so honest and open. Thank you for your insight into a man. For in seeing into him, I see myself also, and find a way to make love work.
This is really great to hear, Nadine. I would love to hear how this unfolds for you both. You’re welcome to email me more at [email protected] … The most satisfying feedback I ever get is the feedback that says, your words made a difference in my life, and here’s how … 🙂 So thanks.
Too bad no sane man can ever say those words to any woman, because if he does she will betray them
Bryan. Looking into each other’s eyes and saying by heart profoundly “I trust you” – “I trust you” – is a Paradise experience. It makes cells radiate, resonate and vibrate. It’s awesome. Every time I replay this words in my mind – it takes my breath away. It’s so mutual. To see how it resonates deeply in my Man’s consciousness – how our consciousnesses resonates together with the whole infinite consciousness. It’s paradise. you are SO right. Thank YOU!
Beautiful! I love how you describe it, Mila.
Thank You, Brian!
Trust is something that is earned, right? I’m curious how you amended that lie you told early on, and why you felt the need to lie anyway if you were being YOUR authentic self. Why have you charged her with being HER authentic self in order to unlock your “innate masculinity”? It sounds to me as though you’re blaming her baggage, which we all have, for the problems in your relationship. Why should she be held to your standards of trust when you lied right off the bat, before it was even “necessary” to do so (as you seem to be implying with your nonmonogamous comment)? Sounds like a double standard to me. In my opinion it is not The Woman’s job to trust whole heartedly because that’s what’s what allows men to be trustworthy and loving, as it sounds like you’re implying.
Hmmmm, I think you missed this line in the article: “I wasn’t yet a man fully worthy of her trust.”
You’re right: I was clearly NOT being my authentic self when I lied. I do not blame her for having a hard time trusting me.
I don’t believe trust is “earned” so much as it one person simply decides to GIVE it. For example, some people are so wounded that they cannot give trust to another even when that other has proven themselves worthy of it. Yet others are so trusting that they will trust those who have proven to be unworthy of trust. In my case, my girlfriend had reasons not to fully trust me, but at the same time, I did so much to prove myself trustworthy. We were dysfunctional together. Had she been able to take a risk of trusting me, I believe our relationship would have had a better chance of succeeding, because I knew my heart was loyal to her in ways she was too scared to believe. On the other hand, had I been more understanding of her fear, I would have showed up differently in ways that would have calmed her fears. We did the dance together. WE were both innocent, and both guilty. That’s how it usually is.
Anyway, what you believe I am implying – that woman are solely responsible for trusting so that a man can be his masculine self – is definitely NOT what I’m implying.
I almost completely agree with you Bryan! I say “almost”, because I’m not sure that “I trust you” are the 3 sexiest words a woman can say to a man. Powerful words none the less. When a man hears those words spoken by the woman he is truly in love with…He feels confident, assured, and comfortable with his partner/lover. He knows when he comes home, he’s coming to his sanctuary. A place where he is appreciated for his hard work, his input, and his dedication. It’s a great feeling when you know that your lover truly trusts you. As you’ve said, a man draws strength from trust and feels he can accomplish anything. And, of course, trust begets trust, which just makes the relationship more enduring and endearing.
Well, at least that’s how I would feel if a woman said those words and has…as you say, “authentically offer them”. As of yet, I can’t honestly say that has ever happened to me. Oh sure, my wife who I’ve been with for 19 years has said “I trust you”. I couldn’t tell you how long it’s been since she’s said that, nor do I think she really meant it when she did. Why? Because her behavior would prove otherwise. I shouldn’t get into this too deeply, but, here’s a couple examples. 1. She will get an idea about something, then decide that’s what she’s going to do. She then spends money on this thing, without consulting me. I often don’t find out till I see the charge to our account or credit card. I’ll approach her about it, and get the usual response….“Oh, I forgot to tell you we needed that”, or “the dogs really liked those treats I got them the last time”, or my favorite, “It only costs $20.00”. 2. There have been on numerous occasions where she has decided to implement a new discipline program for our boys. Doesn’t talk to me about it, just does it. I don’t find out till I see it in action.
Now, some of you might say this sounds more like a communication issue, and to some degree you’d be right. However, I know my wife, and she doesn’t have a problem communicating when it suits her. So, from my perspective, in example #1. If you’re willing to hide things from your partner/lover, then you don’t trust them. Example #2. If you’re not going to include my input on parenting skills, then you don’t trust my judgement.
There is one problem with all this. You’re only hearing my side of the story. However, I can tell you there was a time when I felt real good about our relationship. Even felt like I was trusted to some degree. I just haven’t felt like that for a long time. Sometimes I feel our relationship is more like a walk through the briar patch and all I have on is my underwear and a pair of flip-flops.
Now, about “The sexiest 3 words”….I better put that in another post….
Absolutely beautiful!
Thank you Jen : )
I can so relate to this bit you said Bryan “She never admitted this, but she was still angry over her ex-husband’s sexual betrayal, and I was paying the price.”
That is exactly what happened in my marriage. He was still angry and bitter over his ex-girlfriend’s sexual betrayal and I was paying the price. It took many years for me to even comprehend that this was the reason why he didn’t trust.
No matter what I did or how I showed him I could be trusted; he just never did.
On the flip side, I trusted him completely and showed/told him so but I got that thrown in my face, as he figured if I could trust him like that, I would do the same to any guy. He just didn’t get it that I truly loved and trusted him.
It became so painful and after living many years in the shadow of his ex’s betrayal and his non trust, I called it quits.
It really takes two people who are willing to do their own inner work, to face their own demons, to make a relationship genuinely succeed. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a partner who is not willing to do such work, is leave them.
It’s taken a long (long) time to get to the point where I can say (and mean) it, but I’ve now said “I trust you” to each of the last two men with whom I’ve been in relationships… which are also the only two *genuine* relationships I’ve ever experienced. (The kind where *both* parties know/understand/accept who they are–as well as who their partner is–and cherish everything that means, and who are sincere in their communications, desires, and intents? Yeah. That.)
And, coming off a couple decades of lesser relationships, wherein one or both of us had work to do (hurdles to overcome, crap to get rid of, etc.)? Now I know the difference… and it’s amazing. 🙂
I don’t believe that saying “I trust you” to a man “can inspire a man to claim his birthright as a responsible, loving, ethical being who champions all life and passionately serves the greater good. They routinely inspire him to not let her down. And every man wants to make his woman proud of him.” I think the opposite happens. Telling a man you trust him makes him more comfortable about not following a good standard of behavior because you aren’t watching him. And I not only mean this with cheating, but with other things.
First, let me comment on the cheating aspect. Women who trust their husbands or boyfriends regarding other women always later find out he is engaging in inappropriate (i.e. cheating) behaviors with other women – whether that be flirting, online flirting, friending women online without her permission, going out with them (platonically) without her knowledge, helping her with tasks, and sharing emotional information.
Any behavior you do with the opposite sex ( if you are hetero) that your partner wouldn’t approve of is cheating. Cheating is not just about sex. Spending time with another woman when your gf or wife doesn’t want you too is also cheating. And of course this rule of cheating goes for women when their bfs or husbands get upset over her spending time with other men. Also, full-blown cheating (emotional and/or sexual relationships) doesn’t happen out of thin air most of the time. People don’t automatically jump into bed together after meeting. The lesser, inappropriate behaviors I listed in this paragraph are the prelude to actual affairs.
You write: “I was persistently frustrated by her attempts to control me, so I resisted completely cherishing her and showing up for her in countless ways.” First of all, wanting reassurance from your man (or woman if you’re a guy) by checking his emails, phones, asking him where he is all the time is not “controlling behavior”. When we love something, we don’t want to lose it, and we naturally get jealous. It’s not about “control”- it’s about prevention so that the person doesn’t leave us. It’s about preventing sexual/emotional/intellectual attraction to other women in the first place as mentioned in Paragraph # 2 so that they don’t want to leave us .
Moreover, it is important to distinguish when men don’t trust women versus when men don’t trust women. It is common knowledge that men are hard-wired for variety. Modern feminism says it’s not, but a millennia of history where men practiced (and still do) polgyny, concubinage, having adulterous affairs in every continent on this planet and evolutionary biology tells us otherwise. Men like variety, and even when they don’t sleep with other women due to societal constraints, practical purposes, or they don’t want to hurt their woman, they still think about being with & sleeping with other women, WOMEN DO NOT. Your typical woman is monogamous, and she will only typically seek other men when her man is not fulfilling her needs or he abuses her somehow.
So a woman wanting reassurance (i.e.checking his emails, phones, asking him where he is all the time) from her man that he won’t cheat/behave inappropriately with other women is warranted because it is grounded in enough history, evolutionary biology, lived experiences, and sociological/psychological research that he has a high propensity to be with other women. It’s not about control t a woman. It’s about protecting what is hers and not letting any other woman snatch it away.
Second, moving on to saying :”I trust you” to a guy when it comes to work, legal, medical, household matters really doesn’t inspire him to “purpose” by proving his masculinity or actually following through. It makes him more lackadaisical. I can’t tell you when I have treated a guy like he’s “a man”, leader, in charge by trusting his judgment only to be let down and to have pertinent information withheld from me. Most men are lazy these days- they are accustomed to women doing it all. Trusting them doesn’t make them step up to the plate in an effort to impress women.
I absolutely love your comment it is COMPLETELY ON POINT!!!! I hope I don’t offend you by saying this but ……I identify myself as American Black cultured…..that meaning I’m from the Midwest and West coast primarily and date American Black Men…..I moved to Georgia5 years ago and I am so sick of people(mainly men of course…rolling my eyes….lol) seeing I am a “white girl” and then the Crap instantly hits the fan! I am a lady first and foremost. I one day tried my hardest for 9 hours to explaine to a man from AT&T that every thing has been taken care of the previous evening and this FOOL yes “fool” kept trying to explain to me why he knows better than I do because I guess I’m a woman I am unable to be educated in “man” things!!!! Oh yeah 3rd call came from his ” manager”( a man of course) I sat silently as he as the man previously started this at 9:08 am and now it’s 6:27 Pm……I’m sure you already know where this went after listening to him tell me why I don’t know anything about underground lines and ditch witches and drilling a hole under my driveway to run a cableline under it…….I went a bit firm matter of fact and loud on his ass for allowing him to assume I don’t know shit beyond my place in a man’s world and eyes is in the house and tending to everyone’s needs!!!! I went very educated and intellectual on his ass and explained as to what needed to be done and detailed reasons why…..then told him what he was going to do because I knew he was full of shit!!! I would have loved to see the look on his face when I proved I knew he was full of shit and explained why he was full of shit!!!!! OMG his silence and yes ma’am when I finished and continued (as yes some of us women do it) to explain to this gender retardent caveman to never ever make this same mistake (at least not with me) again! I do not judge a man if he don’t know how to check the oil in his vehicle…..I love a man helping me or doing something for me…..if he knows what he is doing!!! I am selfsufficant not independent let’s get that completely understood. With that being said I want a man not need a man(need was met 26 years ago during procreation of my daughter) yep I went there. If my man has to go away for any amount of time….he knows I got this ….no worries. He can completely focus on his pressing matters at hand and absolutely succeed…..come home to our castle unwind and impress me with his perfectly planned out attack on handling that situation. You go Baby….I never doubted you…I have and had complete trust and confidence you had it under control because I know how capable, creative and persistent you are! That’s why only you make my soul glow????.
By your feedback, it seems to me you don’t particularly like men. Which is understandable if you’ve been hurt by men. (and we all have).
Please understand I’m not suggesting all men are worthy of trust, or even that any man is worthy of trust in all situations.
However, when you say, “it’s about preventing sexual/emotional/intellectual attraction to other women in the first place so that they don’t want to leave us” …
… that is definitely about being in control, of situations, behaviors, another’s choices.
Control never creates an enjoyable relationship. It only creates relationship grounded in trickery at best, and crushing obligation at worst.
Surely you want a man who’s choosing you with his full heart, not merely because you have sufficient surveillance and he’s afraid to get caught?
I understand very deeply and clearly the relationship tension between not wanting to be abandoned and not wanting to be controlled.
This is the “dance of opposite energies” we must learn how to do, that is if our relationships are going to thrive versus merely power-struggle to survive.
(I teach this in my “Love, Sex, Relationship Magic” Audio Program, because as your comment gives evidence to, we really need to learn how to stop being adversaries and start being partners.)
This statement of yours: “A man connected to his masculine essence won’t generally find it sexy to be ordered around by an intimate partner. Most women don’t find a man who will follow their orders very sexy, either. After all, there’s nothing sexy about a doormat, or walking on one. (dominatrixing is outside the scope of this exploration).”
Women wouldn’t order men around if they behaved in ways warranting respect. Women wouldn’t order men around if they didn’t misbehave or entertain other women , if they didn’t shut us out, if they didn’t lie, if they did their ACTUAL masculine functions of paying all the bills in the relationships and emotionally protecting us, women wouldn’t order men around if we trusted men’s judgment due to them being more intellligent and moral than us, women wouldn’t order men around if they fulfilled their masculine leadership, take charge role with positive things without being told to. If men weren’t such lazy bums and were proactive in ways that benefit their woman, NO woman would order her around.
If men don’t behave in moral ways, aren’t intelligent enough, don’t take charge & lead when it benefits their woman ( Many men don’t even want to plan dates and lead, what the fuck are they talking about when it comes to being masculine when they can’t even take charge with simple matters?!lol), then how on Earth do you expect women not to order them around? Seriously. ALL of these things affect women in the relationship negatively and doesn’t invoke any natural feelings of seeing our man as superior. Most men aren’t deserving of “I trust you”- they aren’t smart enough, are lazy, promiscuous, passive, and emasculated.
Man you Rock Bryan! Thank you for sharing such a profound and deep insight into the connection between a man and a woman and sharing your experience so openly. You are a truly beautiful man. I so appreciate your honesty and truth. I can relate to what your saying entirely. Nina HUGS!!!!
thank you Nina 🙂
Bryan, you really do understand women, men and relationships. This is absolutely true and resonated deeply with me. I have been in 3 live-in relationships and 3 dating relationships and I honestly could not come to trust any of them. Each of them let me down in fundamental ways. The most serious violation of trust is not following through on commitments they made. The second most serious was not being open about their true feelings and being passive-aggressive. Not that I was perfect, but I tried to consistently open up a dialogue about the issues we were having in each relationship and kept being stone-walled, dismissed or gas-lighted. I really loved these men with my whole heart and would have done almost anything to keep the relationship going, but these two behaviours were a deal-breaker for me. Honesty and integrity are core requirements of a healthy adult relationship. Without them, the relationship cannot thrive.
Thank you for all that you do to heal relationships and teach both men and women what is needed to form a deep, intimate and authentic connection.
“keep me safe as I do.”
This is a profound statement. I am very perceptive and I don’t let toxicity run rampant in my life and when I get involved with a man, I find it a challenge to trust them if they cannot keep me safe as I do. This is because it requires them to change their whole life snd they don’t want to.
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