How Avoiding Honesty (in Love) Ruins Pleasure & Connection w/ Ian Ferguson (029)

July 10, 2019

MTW GUEST Ian Ferguson

Do you genuinely value open communication in relationship, particularly around sex and attractions?

Or, like most people, are there some things you really don’t want to hear?

Do you get why knowing the difference between the stories your brain tells you, and the sensations your body tells you, is essential for living (and loving) well?

Ian Ferguson is the no-so-behind the scenes husband and partner to renowned somatic sexologist Miss Jaiya, who created (or perhaps discoverer) of the 5 Erotic Blueprints.

I first met Ian at a sexuality symposium in Los Angeles where both Jaiya and I were speaking on stage. I have no idea if Jaiya remembered what my presentation, but I’ll never forget hers.

When she was on stage, with Ian, I watched her lie down on a massage table, and then Ian proceeded to do something with his hands, holding and waving them above her body almost as if he held a Harry Potter wand. He didn’t physically touch her at all … and within a minute Jaiya’s body started undulating and moaning upwards towards his magic wand hands, clearly riding a strong wave of orgasmic bliss. And she wasn’t faking it … and I do realize I’m a man which means what the hell do I know whether a woman is really faking it or now … but anyway that’s not the point! 

The point is, both Silvy and I have become fascinated by Jaiya and Ian’s work with the 5 Erotic Blueprints. They’ve actually helped Silvy and I bridge a few differences in the ways we both approach sex, which has helped us avoid feelings of shame or rejection and instead just create more laughter and understanding, and deeper connection.

I wanted to bring Ian on to Men, This Way, because he’s a man who lived monogamously throughout his 20s and 30s, and now lives in an open relationship with Jaiya. They have a young son, and are doing beautiful work in the world together, serving to eliminate sexual shame and celebrate self-expression, all built on the foundation of healthy boundaries and explicit consent.

Although we don’t really go into the 5 Erotic Blueprints in this episode, we do talk about Ian’s evolution in intimacy, some of the challenges of an open relationship, and some of the basic skills required for having a satisfying sexual intimacy, whether you’re monogamous or polyamorous, it’s all the same, really.   

You can actually take their Erotic Blueprint Quiz @

This episode is a little longer than most, because Ian walks us through a specific, but very simple, breath practice at the very end, and we do a short meditation with this practice that I think you’ll enjoy, and be challenged by.

So definitely stay tuned for Ian’s 5 Key Takeaway’s at the end of this episode of Men, This Way …

Alright …

Let’s dive …


11:50 ~ Significant events in Ian’s early life
17:09 ~ Men’s fear of being able to pleasure their partners
23:22 ~ The power of presence in sexual encounters
26:39 ~ The benefits of real consent and respecting our partners’ boundaries
29:32 ~ Ian’s entrance into polyamorous relationships
36:41 ~ Advice for those interested in pursuing open relationships and polyamory
40:46 ~ Why the idea that “Things should just work” is bullshit
47:00 ~ What men really need to know to create a truly fulfilling, intimate relationship
50:24 ~ The dangers of alcohol in relationships and their formation
51:47 ~ The biggest challenge facing men in the world today


56:33 ~ KEY INSIGHT: Taking the stories you tell yourself and observe them, then start to tell the story you want to tell
57:42 ~ KEY MAN TO LEARN FROM: Satyen Raja (Founder of Accelerated Evolution Academy)
59:11 ~ KEY RESOURCE (most impactful, inspiring book, movie, podcast): Satyen Raja. Notably, the Men This Way Podcast (Episode 12) with Satyen Raja
1:00:10: ~ KEY INVESTMENT (the best thing you spent money on, under $10,000): Multiple guided experiences with 5-MeO-DMT (a psychedelic tryptamine)
1:03:43 ~ KEY PRACTICE (7-day challenge to the men listening): Breath of Pleasure (including a guide through the practice)


Find Ian & Miss Jaiya’s project “The Erotic Blueprints” @

Also @

Book mentioned by Ian: “Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality” by Cacilda Jethá and Christopher Ryan

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