My “Woman Fast” – Day 16 – Observations

July 24, 2013


Caution: This post contains some graphic content and passionate language. I’m on a complete “woman fast”. I’m rather aroused … but you’re still safe with me. Promise … especially if you made it through Fifty Shades of Grey.

I’m now 16 days into my 30-day woman fast (as the original blog explains, it’s not just about sex. I’m not enough “player” that 30 days would even be meaningful if it were about sex. This is really an exploration into my identity as a man and the deeper truths that may otherwise lay hidden beneath my incessant longing for a woman’s attention).

I know 30 days doesn’t seem like much, but at the beginning I assure you it felt like an eternity! On Day 7, I fell off the wagon and, well, basically landed on top of a very lovely woman. Although nothing got stuck anywhere it wasn’t supposed to get stuck under the rules of my fast, my supportive brothers, Fabian Alsultany and “man-coach” Zat Baraka, held me accountable and insisted I reset the clock … so I did. I’ve been back on the wagon for 16 days.

Here’s some of what’s been arising for me, so to speak:

1) It’s actually AWESOME walking around completely horny, wanting to fuck most every sexy woman I see, and not actually having to do anything about it.

It’s a thrilling freedom that almost feels foreign. Curiously, I’m feeling even more connected to my masculine core. That exhausting anxiety that typically accompanies my sexual fire, insisting I do something about it … is essentially gone. My sex-drive is strong! But the anxiety is gone! At the gym today, I was able to just luxuriate in this deliciously deep appreciation for all these beautiful, sexy women, their deliciously undulating shapes and varying textures, without feeling the need to claim one as my own … and since I’ve never before successfully claimed one as my own, ridding myself of that ridiculous task burden was a MAJOR relief to my whole fucking soul!

I just feel more like a solid man, thrilling in the fiery sexual rhythms rushing through every fibrous tissue in my awakened body, unconcerned whether I or anyone else does anything to indulge their lusty thirst. It’s kinda like walking around with a really scrumptious full-body itch that I don’t need anyone to scratch. It’s quite DELICIOUS.

“Just because a man has an erection, doesn’t mean he has to do anything with it.” ~ Byron Katie

2) I’ve been ashamed of having a strong sex-drive for most of my life.

I’ve always had a very healthy sex-drive, and I’ve been rather ashamed of it for most of my life. Somehow I learned early in life that my sexual feelings were mostly inappropriate. Maybe it was being shamed for looking at nudie mags as a kid, or maybe some authority ordered me with disgust in their voice to stop playing with my own penis. It also could have just been witnessing how girls repeatedly seemed to be repulsed by my innocent playful advances.

I think my lifelong shame is also indicative of a common “spirituality belief” that sex is a “low-vibe” expression of my being, and therefore not to be much entertained. Which itself is partly a New-Age hangover from our puritan Christian roots … as witnessed by the fact that my culture’s mainstream entertainment routinely shows human heads exploding but cannot show the head of a penis rubbing up against a wet vagina … as if THAT’S the perversion!

It’s no wonder I experience shame that I want to thoroughly and routinely enjoy a woman’s entire body.

This fast has really allowed me to enjoy my sexuality without the shame that can accompany it when I want desperately to openly confess it (in whatever way that might be respectfully done), but feel doing so would be socially unacceptable.

I don’t want anymore to be ashamed, in any way.

I’m a deeply spiritual man. AND I love to fuck. I also REALLY love grabbing a woman’s round ass tight with my hands and burying my face deep between her legs. I long to feel her wet vagina wrap itself around my hungry mouth as my soft, short beard gently tickles across the insides of her rich, buttery thighs.

… … look, I’m on a complete woman fast. I’m horny. I feel like writing this Fifty Shades shit all day long!!

The essential point is:


I’m all for the sacred container of monogamy and fully intend to experience the adventure of my lifetime by someday committing to one life partner. I’ll still probably desire other women when I’m in relationship with her. I just won’t act on it, AND I won’t feel ashamed of those feelings. This fast is really deepening my access to both of those superpowers.

3) I really miss the experience of “family”.

I’m 39. I’ve already lived a wildly adventurous life. I live happily in California, and I do not intend to ever move back to the East Coast, where most of my family still lives. I’m lucky to already know so many amazing people here in California. But I also realize I have a bad residual habit from all my years of moving about and living in so many places around the planet: I don’t nurture the majority of my relationships into genuine, long-term friendships. I can go deep with most anyone, and do so easily and quickly, but I don’t nurture that long-term with most people.

I was riding my bicycle alone last Saturday morning in Venice Beach. T’was a sunny, beautiful July beach day. Countless people from everywhere strolling about, playing volleyball on the sand and crowding the eclectic merchant promenade. As I was passing long caravans of families and friends riding their own bicycles, I started to realize that … I’m lonely.

I knew that I wouldn’t comfort my loneliness with a woman’s attention, and my closest friends were all at festivals I chose not to attend. I felt this deep and unfamiliar desire to just run home to mom’s place for some dinner and rolling around time with her 4 amazing Bernese Mountain Dogs. I wanted to crack ridiculous jokes with my step-father and just kind of hang out in that familiar loving space. But they live in Maryland, some 3000 miles away. So I couldn’t escape there. I had to face my loneliness.

As I reflected further on the diverse delightful people I already know locally, I realized that I’m lonely entirely by choice. I’m simply not inviting in those who would be my family if I only chose to create that experience with them.

In the moment that thought really hit me, my chest ached, but I immediately felt hopeful. I turned my bicycle around and headed back to my apartment. I made calls along the way and ultimately created an amazing weekend with my new, chosen and growing California family.

I realize I’ve partly been filling this “family” void with the affections of women. There’s nothing wrong with me looking for the affections of a woman. After all, the survival of our species depends on my success! I’m simply working on clearing out the persistent anxiety and occasional desperation that accompanies the search.

I don’t need a woman to scratch my family itch. The right one will come along whenever she does, and there’s little I can do about her timing. Until then, I’m actually excited to cultivate my new chosen family. That’s actually a big breakthrough for me.

4) My dreams have been really sexual … and reeeeeally yummy.

Yes, I’m having juicy … juuuuuicy … dream sex. No, I’m not resetting the clock. They’re not lucid dreams, so I don’t feel entirely responsible for their fantastic content.


I’ll share more insights soon.

Can you relate to any of this?


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  • Thanks for your honesty and articulation of an experience that starts pretty simply but illuminates these really complex, sometimes conflicting, thoughts and feelings. The quest for a deep, equal, monogamous relationship that includes fuck-yeah! level sex has been both enlightening and self-connective as well as lonely and damn scary for me, and I appreciate virtually sharing your journey.

    • yes indeed, that’s the sweet spot! deep, soulful being to soulful being relating intermingled with fuck-yeah level sex! I know everything waxes and wanes, like the tides, but I fully believe it’s possible to fully touch bliss in every way with one partner, even if not at all times or all at the same time, but if there isn’t fuck-yeah level sex, then let’s just be awesome soul mate friends. And if there’s fuck-yeah level sex but no genuine deep being to being relating, then, well, let’s not lie to ourselves and try to make this last longer than its weekend shelf-life. I feel you Deborah! It’s an exhilarating exploration, and every ecstatic emotion and horrid fear shows its face from time to time along the way. Might as well enjoy it all!

  • You are so awesome for sharing authentically about your journey!

    P.S. Number one made me think of something Kyle says about being able to enjoy the smell of a cheeseburger without actually having to eat it.

  • Interesting I came upon this again. I have been “assigned” to a 90 day man fast. However it is more of an emotional fast than sexual. Though abstaining from sex will be a part of the scenario. Im certain I will have an easier time of it than you appear to. LOL. I am very interested in your insights and will meditate and compare to my own private thoughts as I proceed down this path of self-discovery. I think you’ve started a trend. 😉

  • This is beautiful, Bryan. I love hearing about your experience, and I am learning from it! Fascinating hearing the male perspective!!! So interesting, really. I dont want to generalize, but it seems so true that women want to connect first through words / conversation and then physically and men vice versa? I am realizing that I have felt offended in the past when men have wanted to be physical so quickly. I have felt like they were only interested in that and actually felt insulted – like dont you want to know ME? But I think I am starting to see that maybe men just love women and love having sex. I mean I do, too, but I need to feel a connection with the person to feel comfortable and to enjoy it. Whereas maybe men dont. Who knows. Thank you for sharing so honestly! 🙂

    • SCVerde, mystery woman, yes, us men are severely misunderstood … even by ourselves. We men absolutely need connection, just like women … but so many of us look outside ourselves, and primarily to women, to satiate that intense hunger for connection. Naturally, women look outside themselves, too. There’s nothing wrong with this of course. It’s perfectly human to connect with other humans. In fact, we die faster without it.

      There are many forces at play here. Us men embody a primal masculine drive focused on dominating, conquering, penetrating … note all the jokes about men not being able to do two things at once; it’s in our nature to focus intently on the goal before us. Sexuality is a powerful force, one that our culture still has tremendous dysfunction around. It’s easy for us men to fix our focus on it as a specific, desired outcome. My favorite quote is from Byron Katie: “Just because a man has an erection, doesn’t mean he has to do anything with it.” … most of us men don’t get this at all. If we have an erection, OF COURSE we have to do something about it. We can’t just be with it. We need to fuck, masturbate, or numb it away. And sex is a great distraction from the profound disconnection so many of us feel in our modern technological age. Another way to put it, sex is a quick fix for that “god-sized hole in our hearts.”

      Anyway, I could go on and on … and I’m really only beginning to learn all these fascinating distinctions about masculinity and femininity. Thanks for commenting. I’ll be exploring these subjects much more this year, so please subscribe to my blog and let’s continue this critically important conversation!!

      With love,

  • Ok, wow. So we are talking about a lot of different things here. One thing is that when men feel sexual urges (or erections – i have never felt one, so I don’t know. I HAVE felt sexual urges of course, are erections even stronger, I wonder?) – are you saying it has been ingrained in them, culturally, that they need to act on these?

    Or is this just part of physical impulses that come with being a man?

    I love that Byron Katie quote, too. I am a child therapist, and one of the things I always tell people is, “it is okay to feel _(angry)__, but it is not okay to __(hit people)___.” (insert any emotion / behavior here.

    So this is one thing – and then another is the idea that men also want connection.

    Do you think men have been socialized to believe they don’t need this?

    Because it makes sense to me that they of course do need this, but with the dominating conquering thing, that seems like it could be hard and confusing to seek and want both, because they often don’t go hand in hand.

    Culture is telling men to be independent, aggressive, dominant, yet they seek a connection. In a partnership, you have to also be open and vulnerable. How do men learn to do that without practice and learning, right?

    This is me trying to understand men. ; )

    As a woman, I want connection, a LOT. I think it may be more okay, culturally and socially, for me to want this; however – there has been the HUGE push for women to be “empowered”….. Women have it hard, too. On one hand, we seek connection desperately and are made for it. We are naturally nurturing, open, receptive. However…. many women have been screwed over. By men, by the workplace, by having to live in crappy conditions compared to men, if we are not in a relationship (getting paid less, less career opportunities, etc). So we have work to do here, too.

    Right now I am struggling with wanting to be my feminine self who is sensitive, open, caring, and loving; yet Im single. Im dating (um… you have to have think skin for this) and beginning a business (again, masculine qualities needed). However, I am working on consciously finding a balance, learning healthy boundaries, and staying open. Reading your posts makes me realize that I have actually become harder in certain ways than I want to be. (darn it. time to work on this.) I do want to say this though because I think, for a lot of women, we have had to kind of step out of who we truly are to be successful, too.

    I am really interested in what you saying about the sexual urges men feel vs the connection they seek. These are two different things, right? It seems to me they are, and I think thats why you decided to do this fast. But – it seems like the sexual urges are something you all have and have to simply accept because you are a male human. It also seems like if you just act on that, you may never get the connection piece that you also (and maybe on an even deeper level?) seek.

    I think its important to get to know a person to build a connection and having sex too early can compromise this. It seems like some women may be okay with having sex AND getting to know someone at the same time, but I think for many women, myself included, it hasn’t really worked well that way. Women have this whole chemical thing where if we get involved with someone physically, it blurs our senses and we start to like you even if it isn’t right for us – this is in OUR biology. After we sleep with you, we are vulnerable (more vulnerable than we were before).

    Thank you for explaining the chemistry of what you all feel. After reading your posts, I feel a empathy and compassion for men because you do have stronger sex drives. However, I think we both have the same high need for connection.

    Many women REALLY struggle with this. The need for attention and to connect can be probably as strong as the biological desire for men to have sex. I think this need for connection in women runs so deep. It is awesome, because we also need it for our species to survive (and to evolve!), but it is hard because even though there is this deep intense desire to connect – we have to make sure the man with whom we are connecting is safe, stable, healthy.

    Men have the intense sexual urges and women have an intense biological need to connect – both for the survival of our species. Pretty awesome. One makes you better hunters and providers, and one makes us mothers and child rearers. Both seek a connection that is sustainable, loving, caring and allows us the freedom to be ourselves and intimacy with another (really? men want that too??)

    What is new to me from your blog, and that gives me hope, is that men want this connection, too. I honestly had been starting to believe than men just care about the sex and about being able to do whatever they want. It is really “opening” to me to hear that at least one man out there wants a connection, too.

    Thank you for expressing this. This is really cool, and I hope that there are more men out there who also feel the same way.

    Apologies for the massively long block of text! I think writing this has helped me work through some things. Thank you.

    Yes, I will subscribe to your blog. Would love to be a part of these evolving conversations.

    Thank you again for letting me go off.

    Love & Peace <3

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