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I still sometimes say “yes” when I deeply want to say “no” (and vice versa) … and then resent others/life for my choices.
I still sometimes walk paths that feel heavy because logic says this will get me the love, validation, etc. I want … which is mostly always wrong.
I’ve been taught that love, peace, fulfillment, affection, validation, etc. comes from the world around me, and to get it I must dance like a monkey on a chain crashing cute little cymbals together for crackers.
Sure, I get my crackers, dancing like a monkey for others’ pleasure.
But I’m tired of crackers!
Where’s the Feast?
I am discovering the Feast is in living self-love everyday, regardless where it takes me or what it gets me … in loving and honoring my deeper knowing so completely that I am not willing to move into any experience that feels heavy, regardless what my scarcity-minded, fear-filled ego-brain tells me about it.
Throughout my life, when I’ve felt compelled to move deeper into some darkness – into heaviness – it always turned out that I needed to learn something massive for my evolution … and suffering is a great teacher!
I’m done suffering intentionally for the sake of “growth.”
My current practice is self-love.
It’s perhaps the hardest practice – and often the most terrifying, too, for it threatens everything we’ve been taught about how to get love and acceptance (from the outside world).
But I ache for the Feast.
So my moment-to-moment practice is to honor what is deeply true for me by speaking / walking / living / breathing / fully surrendering to my deeper knowing without often knowing “why” it’s true or “what” it will get me.
Sometimes the practice is just closing the gap between the moment I sell myself out and the moment I adjust by coming back Home to myself.
A big part of this practice is also not making others (life) dance like a subservient monkey to please, validate, or take care of me, either.
There’s another name for practicing self-love everyday:
Letting go.
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Hi Bryan,
I’m really curious…..how did you happen to creep into my soul and join my journey? I guess it’s true. It’s not my journey. It’s the journey of all souls who choose experiencing themselves as All That Is.
Gorgeous. Delicious. Truth. For me anyway :))
Thank you again.
Sabiha xx
I just pretty much know your vibe, Sabiha 😉 I’m tuned in to you, woman! I’m honored to share the planet with you. Bryan
Thank you so much for this post! I’ve been struggling with this myself lately, so it’s always nice to hear a reminder that there’s an endless well of love inside that I can connect to without doing anything special other than recognizing it.
An endless well. That’s right. Always there. You don’t need do anything other than simply notice it, and keep going about your day. Magic. : ) Thank you, Jessi. Bryan
So good…YES! The reminders are coming to me from all directions. Will pay attention. Live in LOVE… Feed the LOVE. And I will use my 8 year old son’s new favorite line directed straight at my FEAR “Hasta La Vista Baby.”
Thank you Bryan. I enjoy all of your posts.
Hello Bryan, I just discovered your blog, and have now whiled away a glorious hour of reading your posts, while all the things I “should” be doing lay scattered around me on the floor. You have reminded me of what is possible – sometimes I just forget, or I allow “what is” to take up so much energy, that I no longer have room for “what can be”…Thank you for baring your heart for all the world to see. I appreciate you.
Delicious article ! Thank you!
This post hits me deeply…..perfection
This showed up exactly at the right moment for me, as your posts often do. I was contemplating running after my boyfriend to catch up with him to spend the day. He doesn’t want to wait to drive together. Didn’t connect earlier to invite me to be part of his adventure. And said yes leaving now, sorry see u there. There being some place I’ve never been and not even certain where “there” is. After reading your post I see myself being that monkey. Scrambling to accommodate someone who clearly is just taking care of himself. So why am I left feeling hurt? Heavy? Not considered but for the “meet me there”? How do I care for myself, and is it my ego I’m taking care of? The part of me that wants to feel wanted? He did ask me to go after all (more like an after thought as he was picked and ready when I reached out.) I guess I’ll have to decide what Best cares for me. Staying home or finding him. And is staying home being a martyr and wanting him to be the monkey for my love? All I know is I’m left feeling confused and not taken care of.