The Transformative Power of Brotherhood: Reflections on The Annual Elevate Men’s Retreat

As I sit in the serene quietness of North Carolina’s Blue Ridge Mountains, the memories of these past five days flood my mind.

Our annual ELEVATE Men’s Retreat has ended and everyone is returning to their lives, yet the electric energy of countless profound moments linger in the warm summer mountain air.

This retreat was more than just a gathering of men; it was a journey into the heart of authentic manhood and trustable brotherhood.

A long-awaited rite of passage, 10 men of diverse ages and backgrounds showed up to discover larger capacities within themselves, break free of sabotaging patterns, kill off old stressful stories that don’t serve them, and step more fully into the powerfully enlivened men we are born to be.

The power of men coming together in a safe, supportive, and still challenging environment is unfathomable until you’ve experienced it.

And to do it while surrounded by white-fur mountain goats, ponds teeming with croaking frogs, lush woods, cool crickling creeks, and quiet star-shimmering nights, all standing guard as protectors at the gates of this work … is just sublime.

ELEVATE is a year-long coaching journey – a rare structure in the transformational coaching world – and this retreat marks the halfway point.

These men have already been doing deep work together for 6 months prior to ever meeting in person. So from the moment everyone arrives there’s an unspoken though still fragile trust amongst them, as well as a deep recognition of the shared burdens, longings, and aspirations all men carry.

It’s difficult to articulate the wonder of witnessing the transformations that can occur for men when they feel deeply seen by other men.

Over the course of 5 days these men dove even deeper into the most essential conversations every man must have. They courageously confronted the parts of themselves that harbor anger, fear, unworthiness and shame. They willingly gave themselves to discomfort by taking both their minds and their bodies to the edges of perceived limits.

Each year we do this work with an inspired group of men, and every year we see that what becomes possible for a man on this journey is nothing short of an entirely new and enlivened approach to life.

I wish I could share details. It can be healing to hear the stories of men breaking free from old paradigms of half-baked masculinity and making new commitments to themselves and their loved ones. Out of respect for confidentiality (and to not ruin any surprises if you’re a man who might join us for ELEVATE 2025), I won’t share details.

What I can say is that this 5-day retreat, and the entire year-long journey with 10 men, can occur like a full-blown revolution in the lives of men.

It’s an epidemic in our world that men are either painfully disconnected from their power, or they wield power in ways that at best serve no one and at worst cause great harm.

Many so-called “masculine leaders” in the world are tragically only reinforcing old adolescent and disembodied paradigms of “power over” vs “power with.”

In ELEVATE, a core transformational focus for men is learning what it means and looks like to tap into authentic masculine power. Power, in our context, isn’t about dominance or control, but about authenticity, integrity, self-awareness, and attuned awareness of “other.” It’s about relatedness: being relational, moment by moment, with oneself, with others, and with the world around us, in ways that bring us into direct partnership with life.

Authentic masculine power in a man looks like knowing how to skillfully navigate disagreements and conflict in ways that leave everyone feeling respected, seen, and appreciated. It looks like a man knowing how to be a heart-connected leader in his family, who always seeks to make decisions that ultimately benefit everyone in the family system. Authentic masculine power isn’t measured by bank accounts, muscles, or notches on a bedpost, as many men these days still (absurdly) insist. Rather, it is sourced from within, by his being willing to confront himself, know himself, embrace his flaws (and the flaws of others), and courageously strive only to be a fuller, more integral version of his authentic self, whatever that means to him.

The impact of this retreat, of the ELEVATE journey, extends far beyond the mountains of North Carolina. As these men return to their homes as reinvigorated men, they carry with them new insights and fresh wisdom. The ripple effects of their work will touch the lives of countless others as these men step ever more fully into being better partners, fathers, friends, colleagues, and bosses.

In this way ELEVATE is a catalyst not just for individual transformation, but for the betterment of entire families and communities.

The deepening bonds of brotherhood forged in these mountains will continue to provide support and encouragement to the men long after the retreat is over. For this is only the halfway point of our formal journey, and beyond that these men already have a new brotherhood that can last a lifetime.

As I reflect on these past five days, I am simultaneously exhausted and filled with pride and gratitude. It is an honor to witness and guide these men on their journeys.

The power of men coming together in this way is transformative for everyone, certainly including me.

I encourage all men to seek out opportunities for authentic connection and inner growth. The journey may be challenging, but the rewards are immeasurable. Only by men committing to deep inner work alongside other men can we ever hope to build a better world for everyone.

♦◊♦

​p.s. Although I can’t share other men’s stories, if you’re curious, you can hear straight from the mouths of past ELEVATE participants (click here).

📸 by David Tosti @ ELEVATE 2022 Retreat