Note: As my views on “SURRENDER” continue evolving, I edit this blog to reflect that. Some of the angry comments below reflect an admittedly “less evolved” view of surrender (last edit: 12/5/15).
I hear women these days talk about wanting an evolved, conscious man. I’ve decided that mostly means they want to be with a man who can see a woman’s entire humanity, the profound gifts she has to offer as a feminine woman and a human being, before focusing on her ass. He has also embraced his own internal dose of femininity, so he can truly embrace the feminine women in his midst. There’s surely more to say about that, but I don’t want to make a big production of this point. I won’t claim to actually be an evolved man, anyway, which might disqualify me if I did. I still eat cheeseburgers, so …
Nonetheless, a brilliant mature woman I consider to be evolved recently asked me what an evolved man wants from a woman. So with her inquiry as my sole credential, here goes:
1) He wants her full authentic self.
An evolved man wants a woman who won’t change to be with him, who mostly doesn’t give two sheets what other people think about her, including even him. She isn’t arrogant; she just knows who she is and doesn’t need to prove that she has the right to live however she desires. Sure, they might have to make difficult choices in the details of their life together (aka “compromise”), but she doesn’t shrink or sell herself out to make him happy. It won’t.
He won’t criticize her for being her authentic self, either.
An evolved man longs to see his woman radiant and genuinely happy. If she isn’t thrilled about her everyday life, he won’t be, either. Not because she’s responsible for his feelings (she’s not), but because the second best gift she could ever give him is her own authentic happiness, which brings me to #2 …
2) He wants her authentic happiness.
This is not some sinister desire to capture a woman’s joyful heart in an iron box and isolate her in a household castle. An evolved man just wants his woman so in love with her life that her radiant joy is present in the room more often than not. Yes there will be tough times. He won’t expect her to always be happy – he doesn’t want some spooky Stepford wife with a fake smile. He simply wants her aware enough to know that she’s responsible for her own happiness.
He’ll be doing his best to be a good man for her, but he doesn’t want to be burdened with “making her happy.”
He’s busy enough trying to manage his own experience. Understanding this allows both partners to safely bring their real truths to the relationship every day, which is essential to sustaining real intimacy … which is what an evolved man truly wants.
3) He wants her to love him with wild abandon.
Many years ago I witnessed a new bride gaze with such absolute adoration upon her new husband’s face that I felt the Earth jealous even though it had the Sun. An evolved man wants his woman to radiate her love all over him like that. He will do his best to earn that from her, but then again … what has the Earth ever done to earn the Sun?
An evolved man wants his woman to love him profoundly despite his imperfections, to consistently see through his human flaws to the very best of him.
There’s an important caveat, however, as so many women are great at loving with wild abandon, but in a way that’s often self-defeating. An evolved man doesn’t want a woman to abandon herself to love him or stay if he consistently acts horribly, failing to honor their agreements (an evolved man can still fall victim to messing up big time; he’s human, after all). Which brings me urgently to #4 …
4) He wants her to communicate openly and even call out his bullshit … but respectfully.
An evolved man wants a woman who will speak her truth to him, a woman who knows men aren’t equipped to read minds or even not-so-subtle clues.
He also wants her to hold him accountable to his highest potential as a man, and always with love and respect.
He does NOT want her looking for every flaw in an attempt to make him perfect. That’s just annoying. But he also doesn’t want her to hold back when she sees him acting out of integrity or playing small in his life. An intimate relationship is a powerful vehicle for a person’s evolution, and he knows he’ll always be growing and evolving. He wants a woman who will support him in that evolution, and who’s also learned the difference between healthy, honest communication and needling criticism.
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5) He wants her to surrender … to Love.
When I originally wrote this article in 2014, my ideas on “surrender” were a bit “less evolved” (hence the wild variety of comments from readers below).
At the time, I essentially wrote this: “An evolved man doesn’t even try to possess a woman. He doesn’t want her to abandon her dreams or live only for him. He wants her to live fully in her truth. However, he does want her to relax and trust him primarily to lead their lives together. … An evolved man doesn’t want 50/50 decision-making in his intimate relationship. When two people dance together, only one can lead.”
I understand now that the true power in surrender is never in surrendering your will to another person’s will.
The real power in surrender is in surrendering your will to LOVE.
An unconscious relationship is a battle of egos living together mostly in fear.
When both partners are living in their own ego stories (L.I.E.S. = Living In Ego Stories), it means they are believing fear-based thoughts that create anxiety and stress, for example:
“My partner must act a certain way to prove he loves me.”
“It’s my partner’s job to make me happy.”
“I’m afraid my partner will lie to me, so I need to keep a close eye on his behavior.”
… and so on.
A relationship in which fear-based thinking dominates the dynamic will inevitably create an exhausting power struggle. Things will either stagnate in a stalemate … or outright suck.
What does it mean to surrender to LOVE?
Surrendering to Love means being willing to do the inner work to recognize when you are coming from fear (aka ego), and learning how to shift towards living in a mindset of love.
There’s a lot more to this that I’ll go into here. I support people in doing this fear-to-love inner work in my coaching practice, and I’ve been doing this essential work with my own coach for years.
An evolved man is only “evolved” in that he’s learning to trust in love over ego-fear. Naturally, he wants his woman evolving in the same direction. If she’s not actively learning to trust in love, she’s stuck trusting her own ego-fears.
When you trust in your ego-fear, there’s no room for authentic love. Trusting in love doesn’t mean staying and tolerating abusive behavior. Quite the opposite, trusting in love means trusting that love will show the way forward in every moment that results in the highest good for all. Sometimes surrendering to love might mean allowing the relationship to end.
That’s why trusting in love is so difficult for most of us – and why there are surely so few “evolved men” (or women) on the planet – because it means your ego won’t always get its way. But that’s the only way a relationship can be deeply fulfilling.
A relationship with a woman who trusts her fear and ego more than love can devolve into that pitiable cliche in which she has his metaphorical balls in a metaphorical jar. Her fear controls their lives because they’ve created a pattern in which he needs her permission for every decision.
Eventually, she won’t want to fuck him anymore, because she’s attracted to a man with balls – and a man with balls is fully committed to his highest purpose, which is Love, not her ego. It’s a sad irony.
He doesn’t need or even want her permission to live his purpose everyday, whatever that looks like for him. His woman’s ego and fear cannot ever be his purpose.
Because Love is his highest purpose, it will be excruciating to him to be with a woman who is not surrendered to Love as hers, too.
6) He wants her surrendered sexually, too.
** EDITED TO REFLECT MY ALWAYS EVOLVING UNDERSTANDING OF SURRENDER **
Most evolved men will almost surely want sex. Passionate. Consistent. Unbridled. Anytime. Sex. He’ll want no games (role-playing and other such games excepted), no withholding, no negotiating … Sex.
Culturally, we’ve created immense amounts of shame around sexuality. It’s time we set that insanity on fire, with our loins.
An evolved man would rather negotiate with terrorists than “negotiate for sex” with his intimate partner.
TO BE CLEAR: An evolved man would NEVER take his woman sexually when she doesn’t want him to, whether she says “no” with actual words or non-verbally with her body. That’s called “rape” even if you’re married, and it’s always wrong.
But he will want a woman surrendered to LOVE, which means she is surrendered to her deeply felt sexual nature, too.
Because she is surrendered to Love, she will be so deeply connected to her inner radiant, sensual feminine essence that she can enthusiastically, wholeheartedly and with sincere pleasure offer to him. Sexuality will be a natural extension of her self-love and she’ll therefore likely enjoy sex as much as he does … and probably more!
He accepts that she won’t always be willing/able – when she’s in physical or emotional pain, for example – and he won’t ever make her guilty for it … which turns her on even more.
Because he is also surrendered to Love, he will always be deeply sensitive to her needs. Still, he won’t castrate himself internally to “protect her” from his sexuality. Such internal castration – so common in today’s men – diminishes a man’s power in the presence of a woman, which I believe then causes men to rely on porn, strip clubs, massage parlors, shallow affairs, etc. as substitutes for the “real thing.”
A woman not consistently surrendered to love in her own being – which just means a woman loyal only to her own ego and fears – inevitably becomes a woman sexually shut off from him.
When his woman is consistently shut off to him sexually, there’s clearly a disconnect between them – a disconnect from LOVE – and he’ll want to explore that together. It could be the way he’s showing up in their relationship; it could be bio-chemical; it could be something else. But he’ll want to explore it. He’ll want his woman to want to explore it openly with him, too.
That’s what evolved couples do: Communicate deeply, vulnerably, with appreciation for differences, with the ultimate goal of creating pure fucking magic together, every single day.
One last thing on #6: an evolved man won’t make his ejaculation (or hers for that matter) the point of sex.
But that’s a whole other article.
In the end, an evolved man doesn’t actually want anything in particular from a woman other than her authentic self.
He’s self-satisfied, so she’s free to be whoever she wants to be. He’ll certainly recognize when things are off and want to explore that with her. But he won’t make her responsible for his happiness, either, and he won’t ever ask her to live inauthentically for him. If ever he does, he’ll be aware enough to see that his request just points to some personal internal confusion he hasn’t quite reconciled with yet.
She’s still off the hook for his happiness.
What does this bring up for you? Please leave a thoughtful comment.
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Another excellent article, Bryan. With regards to number four: I find that the most loving thing I sometimes say to my beloved is “You’re such an ass.” It is usually said with warmth and a touch of humor, but it is indeed a response to his occasional forays into assdom. As for number five: I think many men have a misconception about the whole willingness to surrender thing. Yes, contemporary women can be quiet independent when need be, but I think many of us recognize safety in numbers and the value of a trusted partner. I can’t speak for everyone, but I don’t think all women who have trouble following a lead have an unwillingness to follow a lead. While taking tango lessons, my instructor often stopped to remind me he was the man and he was in charge. Although we laughed about this, I learned that my problem was not my desire to lead. I did not want to lead. I am a romantic after all who prefers to be swept of her feet. However in Tango (as in life) I am always trying to anticipate the lead. I want to know where we were going next so I can prepare myself and properly execute the next move. It’s not about trusting the man. It is about trusting ourselves. It is about blindly taking the next step and knowing you can rise to the challenge, whatever it may be, without tripping yourself, your partner, or the entire relationship.
i love that … it’s about “anticipating the lead” … beautifully articulated. it’s about “trusting ourselves.” So true. When a woman finds she can’t trust a man, especially for good reason, and so can’t relax and let him lead, she won’t be able to leave unless she trusts herself enough to know she’ll be ok when she does. Awesome share. thanks.
Great one! Love it!
Thanks Fernanda! Nice to see you here.
Great piece. With regard to #2, I sometimes don’t express my inner feelings to my boyfriend of 6 months because I’m scared I’ll appear needy… but I’m realizing I need to be vulnerable because you can’t have true love without giving true love… so last night, I sent him a text that simply said, “you make me happy. I just want you to know that. xoxo” <—is this a turnoff to him? What's a better way to express this to a man?
I don’t think an evolved man want’s to have anything to do with the word happiness. He just want to see it, feel it. Once you put it into words, it ruins it. I truly humbly think.
Like everything else. Once you say a moment is romantic, it looses all that is romantic. It becomes a role-play rather.
Thank you Laura 🙂
I totally agree …. I long to completely surrender but struggle with trust. Feminism has it’s place but it totally sold women out in regards to our feminine core … birthing, mothering, gender dynamics, sex ect ect
hi jane. thank you for sharing your experience. feminism was a strong masculine response by (mostly) women to oppressive social conditions. It was necessary to address the longstanding imbalance, but clearly disorientating at the same time. I believe we have an opportunity now to return home to our core essence, men and women, and with a far deeper appreciation for the gifts we each have to offer.
Your path to discovery of a profound relationtionship within two evolved energies have inspired and helped me returned to my essence in very practical ways. I honor with gratitude your article. If you have any others books on understanding of men and women in an intimate relationship please let me know.
Much love to you,
Valentina! Hi … I haven’t written any books on this subject YET … but here are 3 that have been profoundly meaningful to me recently:
1) “King Warrior Magician Lover” (about masculine archetypes)
2) “Women Who Run With The Wolves” (about the feminine wild woman archetype)
3) “Way of the Superior Man”
I loved reading “Women Who Run with the Wolves” When I was in college. I will certainly check out “King Warrior Magician Lover.” I have been looking for resources that addresses masculine archetypes. My I also suggest “The Heroine’s Journey” by Maureen Murdock.
I read Way of the Superior Man twice…as a woman, I learned a ton and where I was in my life, I read it from a different point of view both times, I highly recommend this book for men and woman. (Also know about KWML).
Excellent article, I totally enjoyed it!
Who are you? I’m inspired to see that there are men on this planet with such wisdom! I’m excited about my next, more evolved, relationship might look like. 🙂 peace out! 🙂
Hi Claudia. There are more and more of us waking up. Promise! Such men hang out in the places you do. You just gotta believe they actually exist, or you won’t be able to see one even if he’s standing right in front you 🙂 I’m excited for you, too.
Excellent article. I get your points and I agree with them. One point, important enough that I overcome my shyness and write this here is that: In order for a woman to surrender sexually to a man she shares her life with, is his ability to ‘fore-fore play’. A day that goes by without a sign of affection, acknowledgement or even the most subtle reminder that she is a woman and she is beautiful, will leave the man very likely unfullfilled later. Never underestimate the power of opening a woman’s heart and soul with little random gestures to have her want you even more.
So true Uta. That’s why this article was titled for the “evolved man” because he will know exactly what you’re talking about.
Don’t see what’s so evolved about this, this is just called being a roughly decent person.
Also what the hell is with the “the man should lead the relationship” thing? I’ve literally never heard that someone has to lead the relationship, like dancing. And if one person does have to lead (doubtful, probably unhealthy) then why do you just assume it should be the man? I’m not saying it should be the woman. Why can’t they just both make decisions that only effect them, and make larger decisions together, after rational adult discussion?
I also thought the over-generalisation about men wanting loads of sex all the time and women not being too interested in sex was a bit off. It’s just a stereotype… In reality it depends on the individual, not the gender. But I guess I’ll let that one slide, as it’s such a deeply ingrained cultural norm,
Basically I’m glad you said at the beginning you don’t claim to be an evolved man, because this is just not very evolved at all. You just took the most sexist belief possible (the man should be in charge) and added some fluff about living your truth and authentic joy and whatever.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Tegan. I know what I’m pointing at is fairly foreign to so much of what our culture has been teaching us for a generation or so now.
Although I wrote this article using “man” “woman” (because that’s how the question was posed by my friend), I’m really addressing the deeper masculine and feminine energies that animate people in different ways.
I grew up with really powerful women (mom and stepmom) mostly keeping my two families together. They were feminine women who had to step up and energize their masculine energies more because the men in their life (my fathers) struggled to step up as mature men in various ways.
That’s a common experience these days as so many of our men have been conditioned to either live in their feminine energy or check out and leave women hanging … or just remain perpetually adolescent (consider how many of our “adult” male leaders, celebrities, athletes, etc. consistently act like children).
I titled the article “evolved man” because I’m writing from the perspective of a MASCULINE Man who has grown beyond his adolescence, who is worthy of a woman’s trust, with whom a FEMININE Woman can relax and know she’s safe with him. A masculine man doesn’t worry if he’s safe with his woman because it’s his role to provide safety to his woman. It’s his LONGING to provide safety. As it’s her longing to be kept safe by her man.
There’s so much more to say, which is why I do this blog. It’s an important conversation we’re having, and I really appreciate your input.
I see what you’re saying, (you’re a good writer) – it’s just that I disagree with it. Why should it be the man’s job to protect and the woman’s to be protected? Why should the man ”handle things” and the woman trust him to make good choices for them both? That just seems like an outdated philosophy to me, something that is actually quite un-evolved. Something from our cave-man past, rather than our future.
Tegan, as seen through the eyes of our current cultural understanding of equality, you’re right, this seems like a step backwards in evolution.
We’re also recovering from two thousand+ years of oppressive behavior by men, towards women. So I get your objection. And I’m NOT arguing for a return to that way of being.
I believe there’s the possibility for a third stage in our evolution, however. If the first was aggressive oppression of masculinity towards femininity, the second is the feminine uprising into its own expression of masculine energy to assert its own rights because it’s tired of being oppressed, I believe the third stage is the restoration of full and proper respect for the gifts that both femininity AND masculinity have to offer the planet, which are different. In other words, people who are more feminine (could be women or men) are fully loved and cherished and empowered to give their full feminine gifts to their intimate partners, their families, their communities. And likewise for people who are innately more masculine (men or women). Two masculine people in an intimate relationship, who are both acting from their masculine consistently, does not flow very well. Electricity (energy) can’t flow without two opposite poles in proximity. This holds even in same-sex relationships.
Anyway, I can see this deserves a lot more blogging!
No man has a right to decide what is best for a woman. My article doesn’t argue for that.
I’m not calling for a step back in time. I’m actually calling for a big leap forward.
Hmm… If you’re talking about masculine and feminine, rather than man and woman, then I kind of see what you mean. But surely our understanding of these terms has been coloured by our patriarchal past. For example, would you still say an authoritative woman was expressing her masculine energy, if maleness and authority has not been linked for so long?
However if I’m wrong and what you describe is the third stage of our evolution, then I would advise you to back up a bit. The second stage (feminine uprising, call for equality) is nowhere near finished yet. On the global level, it’s only just getting started. As you say, we’ve had 2000 years of patriarchy. It’s a little unaccommodating to only allow the feminist movement a few decades before looking towards a new stage where men and women are equal loving partners but ”masculine energy” is prized for leadership.
To be clear, I’m not giving masculine energy the exclusive “prize of leadership.” Feminine energy has its own way of leading. Feminine-style leadership emphasizes relatedness and consensus over competition and achievement. We need both masculine and feminine energies in leadership roles.
Hillary Clinton is a great leader as a feminine woman who has learned to harness a great deal of masculine energy to get shit done and cleverly navigate an immature masculine world. But it’s not likely that any human being functioning in their own masculine power would find her sexually attractive.
I’m writing from the perspective of having vibrant, thriving intimate personal relationships.
As a writer, it’s my role to write what I see. Now. I accept that not everyone will see what I see. I accept that I’ll even be wrong sometimes. But I would be doing you a disservice if I were to “back up” and write from a perspective I don’t identify with, even if I’m wrong. How would that help anyone evolve in their own ideas about the world? … even if that means they simply get clearer by disagreeing with me?
Disagreement is healthy. In fact, our world would be much safer if we were all more ok with disagreeing.
Yep. What Tegan said.
An “evolved man” would be a decent person. … What are we disagreeing about here?
Yes. What Tegan said.
Assertions and convictions are two distinct things. A person’s conviction say much about their character if action follows words and beliefs. An assertion says much about what the person aspires to be. The hardest part is knowing which is which. IMHO, this article had misogynistic thinking at its core. Empowering to women, not sure. Growing up with powerful women is often how alpha males who had a strong father figure are made. An alpha male like this never has to assert they are a masculine man. They have the inner conviction that its a given. My last two relationships are where I am basing my comments on. Neither one of them asserted they were a strong masculine man, they didn’t have to, and surrender wasn’t the right word, but respect and relaxation because I knew the man had it handled.
I’m not sure where you’re experiencing misogyny in my article. I’m super clear about the need to fully honor and respect feminine energy, and women in general.
I’m a writer. I write about ideas. One of the primary ideas I’m exploring right now is masculine / feminine dynamics.
The vast majority of men in our culture are disoriented around their masculine energy. They’re stuck in very immature expressions of masculine energy (and likewise for women in their feminine). I’m not sure what you’re point at about the “asserting” stuff … I think having this conversation openly is essential … for the evolution of humanity!
So thanks for adding your voice. 🙂
I loved your article except i agree that you need to find another word for surrender. To be very sterile, the dictionary defines “surrender” as:
1, stop resisting to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority.
synonyms: capitulate, give in, give (oneself) up, yield, concede, submit, climb down, give way, defer, acquiesce, back down, cave in, relent, succumb, quit, crumble; More
antonyms: resist, withstand
(in sport) lose (a point, game, or advantage) to an opponent.
give in to (a powerful emotion or influence).
2. give up or hand over (a person, right, or possession), typically on compulsion or demand.
“in 1815 Denmark surrendered Norway to Sweden”
There is nothing positive about this word.
The masculine and feminine both have leadership qualities, and both need to be incorporated into any balanced, healthy relationship. The feminine intuits, feels in to, dreams, creates, it is about receiving from a deeper place and birthing that energy forth. The masculine rationalizes, focuses, directs, it is about action. They say a woman has 18 tracks running in her mind, the man has 1. The masculine contains and directs the expansive feminine. Without the masculine, the feminine is ineffective in the world, and even overwhelming. Without the feminine, the masculine is all single minded action, no consciousness. They need to marry.
In our world right now, we see the masculine energy totally out of balance, pillaging and killing the earth with single minded purpose- to seek power. Without the feminine energy of empathy, compassion, feeling.
I completely disagree with your point about the man having to lead in the relationship, and it contradicts your first two points about a woman Knowing who she IS and being responsible for her own happiness.
As you stated, being in a relationship is about compromise, and that means both parties surrendering to one another for the greater good of the whole.
I think what you meant to say is that the woman needs how to learn to trust her man, and allow him to provide a container for her to expand and create in. This is very different from allowing him to take the lead in their relationship. It’s allowing him to play his part in their relationship- a relationship of equals. The woman leads by inspiring the man, the man leads by focusing the woman.
As for your dance analogy, a man traditionally leads, but he has to read the woman’s body and energy to do so well. She is also leading him.
The Maiden King by Marion Woodman and Robert Bly is also a good book.
Wow, I really like what you wrote Rebecca 🙂 Well said!
I love what you wrote here Rebecca! “a relationship of equals” and I also see it as a relationship inside me of both my masculine and feminine energies. And these will show up specifically in unique ways in and through me.
I’m not in the “a relationship is about compromise” camp. Compromise has a “give in” energy for me. I like to see relationship as a co-creation opportunity. Two equals bringing both their feminine and masculine energies to the relationship. This is a space where both people can explore, expand and evolve, individually and collectively.
I’m loving the conversation that’s happening on this blog and I’m excited to hear what you and others have to say. Brings new ideas and possibilities into the light for me to explore and play with.
Many thanks to you, Bryan, Kim and all the others who are willing to play here.
Beautifully articulated, Rebecca. Like Bob, I too, love the conversation happening here. I think we should clarify what “lead the relationship” means. As well as what it means for us to be in balance around our masculine and feminine energies, as I notice that coming up a bit.
I am a predominantly masculine man. For me to be a healthy masculine being, I absolutely agree that embracing my own internal feminine energies is essential (I can’t embrace that energy outside me if I can’t embrace it inside me). However, “balancing” my internal feminine does not mean I become a 50/50 masculine/feminine being. I am predominantly masculine, and so I will have different gifts to offer than a predominantly feminine being.
You’re right, by “surrender” I’m largely implying trust. And so by “lead” I do mean, trust me to create the container for our relationship. I was with a strong feminine woman once who would have followed me anywhere for the sake of staying together. If my personal mission would have taken us to the ends of the earth, she was prepared to follow me there. One of her passionate feminine gifts was the gift of relatedness (clearly not a gift of the masculine). She even asked me when our relationship was in chaos, to lead us into calmer waters. Problem was, I simply wasn’t worthy of the task at the time. I was way too much identified with my own feminine energies (like so many men these days), and not enough identified with my inner masculine energies to even know how to create a safe container for us. She was also way too identified with her masculine energy (like so many women these days) to actually allow me, anyway. We were so ignorant, both of us, to the dynamic happening.
I did speak of compromise in the article, but I think when a masculine man compromises against his own masculine sense of mission-orientation to satisfy his woman, this can be dangerous to the relationship. As the man starts to unplug from his masculine core, by compromising against it, he will feel the disconnect, and so will his partner. It’s the same as when a feminine woman is asked to compromise on her feminine by acting in more masculine ways, perhaps she’s expected now to be more business-productive to simply help fill the family bank account (I see this a lot in women I coach, and it’s almost always demoralizing to the woman’s spirit, which quickly shrinks under this pressure, and thus it isn’t healthy for the relationship).
There’s a wisdom in masculine/feminine both wanting to offer different gifts. Culturally, we’re so disoriented around all that.
I’m really grateful we’re having this conversation, which clearly deserves much more exploration.
I’m launching two online programs in the next few weeks to explore all this. It’s so important. If you’d like to stay informed about those, please subscribe to this blog at the top of the page.
I love Robert Bly. I look forward to checking out the Maiden King. Thank you, Rebecca.
I also think it’s important to get caught up with gender generalizations… Whether you’re empathetic, action-orientated, inspirational, assertive, focused, etc etc, is down to your personality. You can’t just say that men have one job and women have another, (even if you think the jobs are of equal worth) because that might not fit. For example, many women are full of focus and action and many men are poetic dreamers, kind artists, inspirational speakers. It’d down to personality, not whether you’re a man or a woman.
This conversation is showing me that language is so crucial to effectively communicate an idea or feeling in writing, especially with people you don’t know well or who have different backgrounds/ references from you! 🙂
Like Bob mentioned, when I use the term masculine or feminine, I am talking about the principle or energy, not the gender. I know I used them interchangeably to some degree in my post which was too bad. I agree that men and women can identify with different levels of their own inner masculinity or femininity, it is not something that is necessarily prescribed by our biological sex. However, for the most part, men do tend to be more masculine and women more feminine. Whether that is indoctrinated by society, influenced by the form and function of our bodies, or reasons xy&z, I have no idea.
I personally think the whole point of our little stint here on earth is to learn how to marry those two energies within ourselves. I agree Bryan that that doesn’t mean balancing them 50/50, but harmonizing them in a way that suits one’s own personal journey. While relationships are very clear and real mirrors of our own inner workings, I don’t believe we have to depend on another person outside of ourselves to feel fulfilled in any way- including fulfilling our own sense of femininity or masculinity. If we know who we are as a woman, man, or soul, it’s hard to be put off balance by someone or expect them to change for us. It sounds like the dynamic with the partner you described just wasn’t the right mix for either of you (or maybe it was just perfect for the learning!)….but I wouldn’t make that particular experience true for every relationship out there. Some men might need a woman just like her who has stronger sense of masculinity to balance their own. I totally get what you are saying about conscious men stepping up and reclaiming their inner masculine in a healthy way, and conscious women allowing them to do so without reverting to old wounding connected to a history of abuse and repression- machoism masked as masculinity. Unfortunately societal understanding of masculine and feminine is way off base, and the gender roles have really caused a lot of pain for men and women, a huge barrier to over come. If we each truly embrace our own divine mix of inner feminine and masculine energies as I feel you are suggesting in this blog, we can start to heal that!
I think what any conscious or evolved person wants in a partner is simply another conscious/ evolved person- someone who has self awareness, is consciously evolving and includes points 1-4 in your blog. We could swap out the she/he/his/her in any one of those headers. But like Tegan says, I don’t think we can get too caught up in gender roles here, our sex certainly plays a part, but everyone has a different make up and journey to honour within themselves and their partner.
Rebecca, my thoughts on “surrender” continue to evolve and I made some distinctions in the original post to reflect that. This is a real powerful area of exploration, and I don’t have it quite all figured out (not sure I ever will). If nothing else, perhaps it speaks to my credentials as an “evolved man” … I’m always open to further evolving. 😉
Couldn’t agree more with the above. When I saw ‘surrender’ I was hoping he would show some true evolution and go on to say something about how cool it is being with a woman who can truly surrender to her sexual, sensual self… rather than going on some unreformed some masculine ego trip demonstrating someone who still has a need to feel ‘in control’ or ‘in charge’ or that he somehow is better equipped to lead…
The 50/50 thing is only a problem to men who are scared of feeling emasculated and the whole tone is one of ‘self satisfaction’ which is not a trait I think of as positive (similes include smug) Baby steps Bryan… baby steps.
p.s. by the way, I do not think the 50/50 thing is a problem to men who are scared of feeling emasculated. Not at all. I think the 50/50 thing simply doesn’t work, not in the long-term, and not if you want to maintain a passionate experience. If comfy and luke-warm is your thing, a relationship that doesn’t fully challenge you to bring your full unique gifts, then sure, 50/50 is great. But if you want an experience with a partner who can parry you and challenge you to stay in your brilliance, simply by their full authentic presence, inviting you to step deeper and deeper into a bolder version of your true self, then 50/50 is insufficient, boring even. At least in the way I have experienced it. We might need to define some terms to make sure we’re both speaking of the same ideas, though.
Thanks Nick. That’s kind of you. The fun about “evolving” is that it never ends … as far as I can tell, anyway. I might even be wrong about that. There are always deeper layers to explore, deeper truths to uncover. Perhaps I should have titled this article “6 things an evolving man wants …” 🙂 … I get what you’re pointing at, and yes, I agree, I do want a woman who has surrendered to her “predominantly feminine” sexual essence, which as long as I can meet her there in surrender to my own masculine essence, her sexual surrender to my masculine presence will be natural and divine and fantastic and essential. At least that’s what I see today. I reserve the right to evolve my point of view 🙂
*Further, and in a less snarky tone… 😉 I understand where you are coming from with your fear of a ‘comfy’ or lukewarm’ relationship but I believe a true ‘partnership’ allows 100/100. Each person 100% true to their core nature and following their path.
I simply disagree that it is a masculine quality to ‘lead’ a woman as this notion precludes from truly relating without prejudice. This notion is in fact merely a reflection of the cultural assumptions built in to a paternalistic, military social construct and since we are evolving out of a time just over 100 years ago where a wife was considered a man’s ‘property’ (in the same way that money, land or slaves were his property) and to have no rights of self determination, it behoves evolving men to deconstruct this most fully and redress the balance by surrendering their ego drive to ‘lead’ or somehow control the destiny of another.
The masculine is creative and the feminine receptive but this is too simplistic and the fact that yin includes some yang and vice versa…. Carl Jung understood the alchemical nature of male female relationships and the evolving man would do well to connect with his inner female as well as recognising the inner masculine within woman. Surrender to the masculine is totally where the evolving man should be heading, but perhaps you should remember that this devine masculine resides also in your female partner…? But what IS this notion you and I have of masculine, what is ‘I?’ For men born within a culture where masculinity is often defined in ways that include aggression, possesion, control, we of course hope instead to demonstrate the truly great qualities of man, such as; compassion, kindness, gentleness, strength and fairness. When we look at these higher qualities we of course can see they are not masculine or feminine, but simply human.
nicely articulated, Nick, and I do essentially agree with you. However, there is even more to this that I think is worth considering.
Yes, we all have access to the entire range of masculine-feminine in our own bodies and experiences. However, a predominantly masculine man is not looking for a woman who can match his masculinity.
I wrote this article from the perspective of what a predominantly masculine man who has learned to deeply cherish the feminine within and without – hence all the parts about wanting her to be her brilliant self – wants from a woman.
You’re making beautiful points from the spiritual perspective of the whole circle that encompasses the yin-yang/masculine-feminine energies. In that place, yes we are, each one of us, everything, masculine AND feminine. However, I’m playing with ideas INSIDE the circle, where yin is black and yang is white. They are clearly very different in their symbolic representation, just as masculine and feminine are clearly very different in the way they express themselves on planet earth.
I’m simply writing at the level of those differences. Notice how in all the comments, no one argues about points 1-4. All the triggering is happening in 5 and 6.
You’re right. We have clearly not yet emerged from a brutal history of masculine forces oppressing feminine forces. So people get triggered when they read 5 and 6 through that lens.
But I’m very clear that it is no man’s right to control a woman. If she’s deeply connected to a mission that takes her away from me (which is her masculine speaking), then it’s my duty to let her go. But a woman more connected to her feminine core will not be mission oriented. She’ll be surrendered to living as love, as I’ll be surrendered to living as truth.
Could go on and on …
There’s an interesting blog I wrote recently about how I thought women were always afraid of aggression in me, and so I did my best to unplug all the aggressive parts of my masculine nature. I went too far. I wonder what you’d think about that blog.
Brilliant! It makes my heart (and face) smile knowing you men exist. Very healing words. Thank you.
Thank you, Sylvia. I really appreciate your acknowledgment.
I’ll start by saying I love this article. Nothing in it that I disagree with and I see much of myself and my relationships in what you’ve written. It’s nice to read this at a time when my current relationship is ending to remind me of what I need in a man.
I think where this kind of writing loses some people is in the words ‘man’ and ‘woman’. Most work and writings on the subject talk about feminine and masculine. Some women might be more masculine, some men more feminine. I think unless you fall into the category of feminine woman and masculine man, you could easily be put off by these ideas of the ‘ultimate’ evolved man or woman. What I think is truly evolved is to not hold anyone to a particular level of masculinity or femininity based on their gender. Simply to recognise that if you want to have that delicious magnetic charge that really makes you want to fuck your partner, it’s best created when one of you sits towards the masculine end of the spectrum and one of you sits in a feminine space. It might be more convenient if the body parts match the energies, but I like to think that these ideas can be expressed in a way that’s a bit more inclusive of those who don’t match with what we understand.
I’m quite sure your intention is not to exclude or alienate, I simply express this to remind us all that in the end we’re talking about expressions of love, connection and spirituality which is beyond ‘man and woman’.
Having said that if you have an extra one of these evolved men sitting around- I’ll take two.
Now this I do agree with. I am, by nature, introvert and more in touch with my feminine side, So maybe a more masculine woman would suit me? Lol who knows :o) I do struggle with some of the expectations of men, even the expectations in spiritual circles.
Perhaps, Andy. There’s nothing wrong or inappropriate about a more feminine man being attracted to – and happily partnering with – genuinely masculine women.
Thank you for this thoughtful and evocative article. It captured so well what I have been struggling to communicate about my needs as an evolved female. My desire to find a man who can be his authentic, true self and love me for the same, and who will lovingly and respectfully stand up to, and for, me is powerful and I know when I find him, it will be wonderful.
It will be exquisite, indeed, Karen. Here’s to us all evolving together!
Karen, I totally agree, I loved this article and what you said speaks for me as well. Bryan thanks for this thoughtful and insightful article! Keeping the faith alive…
Another great blog Bryan! And as you state in your replies here, this is an important conversation to be having. What I appreciate is that you’re offering your opinions and inviting others to see what resonates for them.
I also appreciated your clarification that your blog is written from the perspective of a masculine man for a feminine woman. And I can see you also possess a strong knowledge of feminine energy through your responses on this blog. Thankfully we all have both energies and choosing our energies in the moment is one of lifes great pleasures.
Looking forward to reading more from you!
Hi Bob, I really appreciate you showing up and offering your thoughts. Not too many men have commented on this blog … in fact, you’re one of the few.
Some of my recent blogs have been triggering men much more than women, as some think I’m throwing all men under the bus as I write about restoring appreciation of the feminine gift. This is the first blog that’s triggered women a lot more than men – in fact, I haven’t had one negative comment from any man on this blog, which I find fascinating. … are they agreeing with me but just don’t want to publicly admit it? I can’t quite figure it out. Women are all over the map on this one, from relieved and excited … to angry and offended.
But you’re definitely right that I’m pointing at masculine feminine energies more than simply man/woman … and above all, I simply want to help restore complete appreciation for the unique gifts that each expression, masculine and feminine, has to offer the world.
Wisdom only happens when masculine and feminine come together to offer their full gifts. Anything less and the world shows up funky, which it does in so many ways right now.
I am a man, and have found that while smart women allow their partners the illusion of leading, male ego demanding it softly and caringly as in this post or roughly and violently as in primitive patriarchal societies, women get their way through less overt, linear methods.
Women have their weak spots, and I’ll leave it to them to trust us men enough to share honestly what they can be, but for men to surrender is a lifetime challenge, just as it is for women to asset their right to lead.
Both genders have so much to learn about the other, and you are spot on with the realisation that we hold the opposite gender in our souls, giving both involved the unique and sacred opportunity to learn vital secrets of ourselves from trying better to empathise with the other.
You cannot be an evolved man until you surrender to the feminine inside yourself and come into balance, male body, female anima. We are all fusions of the both, in so many ways our bodies are only half the story, (and the more temporary half at that!).
So beautifully articulated, Michael. Surrender is a big topic for me right now, as a masculine man working to be in harmony with the way of things. I’ll be writing about that as it’s such a powerful lesson I think for all humanity right now. Thank you for taking the time to share your insight.
Absolutely loved your article. Thank you.
Thank you, Louisa. 🙂
Thanks a lot Bryan,
It’s very clear and resonating. I feel inspired after reading. Wouldn’t be able to express it better
Hi Kat, thanks for sharing your inspiration. Love, B
Great article 🙂 And I see you know David Deida’s stuff – he’s great! In reading the comments, I want to add my own two bits about feminism and the note about our “caveman” selves one of the comments mentioned. I’m a big fan of Alison Armstrong’s stuff as well, and I like her approach to “celebrating men”. Evolution doesn’t necessarily mean we ignore the primitive parts of ourselves — I don’t think that’s possible, nor should we ignore them because this is how humans propagate and how are bodies are made for survival on this planet. But evolution comes in how we approach and use these parts of ourselves.
One of the things of stereotypical feminism, is that in some ways it has created a divide. Us and them. Women and men. Feminism is such an important movement for human rights and justice, as so many women in the world are not treated as Western woman are, and a very strong stance is needed for those kinds of changes. (and throw in LGBT, and what you talk about gets more complicated to describe)
But in Western society, though there are many things that are not ok, one of the benefits of where we are at now, is the having the luxury to now work on the subtlety between the genders. I don’t feel the endpoint should be — men have done wrong, they should apologize, and they should change. That’s adversarial, and not looking at men for who they are and what they offer as gifts to work with. Men’s bodies are made differently, and I think having 10 times the amount of testosterone in your body is just going to make you think and act differently in some ways. Alot of men just innately have that protective side to them — it doesn’t feel right to tell them to stop doing that, when it’s part of who they are. It does not feel right to feminize men, nor to tell them to change parts of themselves that just are. So as some folks start moving towards this “third stage”, what would we want that to look like?: true authenticity and celebration of all genders seems like both the logical and heart-felt conclusion.
I feel a good approach is understanding and appreciating eachother. Yes, not all people are at this point, and it’s hard to look at someone cat-calling you with this kind of compassion (nor do I think that kind of behaviour from men is appropriate and should be ignored). And I like that roles and tradition is questioned.
However, the article is about “evolved men”. They don’t do that kind of stuff and use their sexuality in a healthier way. If you had a man that didn’t have a list of things that are inappropriate about them, and instead he’s loving, strong, has done inner work, uses his life for good, knows himself, etc. — how would you interact with him? With respect and reverence, and I too would step up my game to match this. 🙂
So beautifully articulated Kim. Yes, exactly!!! Thank you!!
I think that 3rd stage of evolution that you are referring to, within the context of feminism and patriarchy, is not just to acknowledge the positive aspects of femininity and masculinity within each of the genders but to harmonize both of those energies within all of us. That is the essence of the yin-yang philosophy: they both occur in a balanced nature within both genders. This is why I experience resistance to your idea of one partner leading the relationship, and then you go further to state the more ‘masculine’ partner should naturally take the lead. I’m not sure that is an evolution. The evolution is balancing our masculine and feminine natures and a relationship that flows back and forth like the tides. That’s my idea of an evolved relationship.
It is so good to have the possibilities of this kind of relating articulated. We can do it!! Thank you Bryan. Most conscious women would look for the same in men apart from the surrender points which on a deep level I felt relieved that you expressed. That speaks to me of a man being comfortable with that side of his masculinity and that in itself would allow a (conscious) woman to trust him to take the lead and willingly so. Equality doesn’t mean that we need to be the same. We are not we are complimentary. Thanks for your writing.
Thank you Emma. I get that many people are afraid of opening up to this deeper experience of surrender, largely because the collective history, particularly for women, has been one of abuse and oppression. But I’m pointing at what is possible for us BEYOND that painful history. I know more and more people are moving into readiness for this experience … Yearning for it, even. Your comment is further confirmation of that. Thank you 🙂
Mmm… exceptional luscious Truth. Thank you Bryan.
Hi Bryan. I really enjoyed reading your article. Thank you for sharing it. I read it a few weeks ago and it resonanted, as did some of the comments like Tricia’s.
And this week I was reflecting on if it would resonate equally if I was to swap the pronouns around (he for she, her for his etc.). It’s the last two points that I’m intrigued about…I wonder what you make of them now:
5) She wants him to surrender.
6) She wants him to surrender sexually, too.
What is it for the masculine to surrender? And are you saying it’s the masculine energy in me that wants a partner to trust my clarity and direction when it’s present for me? What does it look like when a woman expresses her ravenous sexuality (…without fear that the man will be intimidated by it)?
i.e. She’ll be deeply sensitive to his needs, but not at the expense of castrating herself internally to protect him from her ravenous sexuality.
Would love to hear your thoughts 🙂
It is a beautiful experience, some would call it reversing the polarity. It also has the instantaneous effect of recharging his batteries. It’s win win, simples!
WOW!!!! Where can i find one of these men? Lol. But really…….. Sounds like my ideal relationship! Thanx for sharing that Bryan! At least now i know that there are in fact men like that out there. I will work on attracting my most compatible partner.
Thank you tha you thank you thank you thank you.
I feel so reassured reading this from a man, and one who feels authentic.
As an authentic woman who gets what youre saying about being happy, about surrender and about letting the man lead, i have been doubting myself for a long time because i have never heard a man express what you just said. Its not the same coming from all these demanding, bitching and whingeing women. Even though i have been cultivating these feminine elements in myself for years because that is the relationship i long for. You have inspired and affirmed my deepest longings beyond belief with your writing and im grinning from ear to ear, dancing a little and really relieved. You do exist after all. I always knew it.
Keep writing and sharing. We need more men like you. I am so excited to meet a man like you who is not afraid of my authenticity. Then i will not be afraid to let him lead. When i feel that he enjoys and embraces my essence and is sure of his own masculinity then surrender is the logical conclusion. I know that i can only become fully expressed as a feminine woman with a man who is fully in his masculinity and willing to go deeper and deeper step by step, and i yearn for that experience. How wonderful!
Thank you, Mira. This blog has sparked a lot of conversation, being quite controversial on some of the points. I don’t profess to say that I’m absolutely “right,” but clearly I’ve hit on some deep, powerful, even primal yearnings that ring true for so many … women AND men. So thanks for sharing your experience with reading this. …. most of us modern men are only able to come to this realization through years of ignorant behavior, causing a lot of pain in the process, so I can understand your joy at finally reading something like this. I did it “wrong” with women for so many years (which you can read about in some of my other blogs), thinking I was supposed to be more sensitive … the “modern sensitive man.” Yes, sensitivity is important, but in becoming sensitive, we men often displace our masculine core, which just doesn’t work for anyone.
Anyway, thanks for saying hi and commenting. We’re here. And more and more we’re waking up.
Ive been reading comments and your replies and enjoying hearing some of the viewpoints ive tried on over the years, and am delighted to hear you talking about archetypes. Having grown up under Thatcher in the uk it was a mystery to me for decade how to be a woman, because all i could feel around me were men (in energy terms). I found my way by listening internally to archetypes. I found no living example near me so i had no choice. Similarly i have used archetypes to explain to parents how if for example, the mother who wears the trousers is able to give up or hand over her masculine role to the father in the family, and become more feminine, her 3 daughters will benefit from growing up with an embodied knowledge of the archetypes that will mean they dont go through total confusion about their own roles later on. Plus this gives the father the chance to grow into his masculinity – as if it opens a space for him to step into. This lead me to the perspective that women can somehow be instrumental in helping and supporting men to find their masculinity, one which may be true but i have recently ditched. It just seems to come from from a broken paradigm or lack of faith that men can find their own way into their masculinity.
I find it a very odd expereince to be feminine and stay in the feminine energy consistently and radiate it regardless – its very vulnerable even after years of practice – and yet the response of masculine men around me is magnetic. Its like a whole other reality that many people simply dont know exists. Now why werent we taught these principles at school? Maybe because so many people dont know about archetypes and have never experienced them first hand. What im really trying to say is that youve been giving words in your answers to things i have felt often but never dared to say for fear of being shouted down by feminist friends. So important not to confuse archetypal energy with aspects of patriarchy and control. They have nothing to do with each other, and some of the reader comments and your replies make me wonder how there can really be any dialogue between the two levels of awareness or understanding, for they are so different. I think educating people about archetypes can lead the way to deeper communication and understanding because they can be experienced by individuals rather than learnt conceptually, and yet their truth is inarguable and inviolable. They give us somthing to navigate by that cannot be reduced to politics or distorted through conditioning. So this awareness gives me hope for us humans. And the depth in your article that resonates and rings true for many is i think partly because of the archetypal aspect. Thank you, its so great to be talking about what really matters to me in this forum. I feel so alive.
‘Why weren’t we taught these principles at school’
This is heresy in today’s education system, everything they teach now is about destroying these archetypes. It appears that they only need the mass feminisation of men to solve the worlds perceived problems. What Bryan has very nearly woven into exactly what an evolved man (and obviously this resonates with actually, rather than allegedly, evolved women) desires in a partner: is considered hate speech!
Good luck, we are out there.
Hi Bryan, while this article is awesome, and totally resonated with me, one thing you said I wholeheartedly do not agree with–and that’s the part about a woman not making herself available causes a man to turn to porn or strip clubs…As a consciously turned-on woman, I’ve been with a few men, including my ex husband of 15 years, and a super erotic-filled relationship after that in which these men simply were inclined to search that stuff out, despite my huge open sex drive (I never once turned sex down, nor have I ever been uptight in bed, but very open and exploratory…). I think men that use porn or strip clubs are disconnected from their own intimacy and project it outside of themselves, not aware of the amazingly intimate and erotic relationship that’s possible. Apologies if this topic has already been discussed in previous comments. Great article.
I definitely agree Colleen, and don’t mean to blame women for anything. Sincerely. I don’t blame women for anything men choose to do. Men do indeed live often disconnected from their own authentic being, which has all kinds of consequences. One of them is not knowing how to be powerful and masculine in a healthy way with their women, which is definitely a significant contributing factor to then checking out at porn sites and strip clubs.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Lol….. When i red it all, i thought to my self, are you married? 😉 😀 I totally agree with this! <3 😀 LoveLight-Hugs sent You, All! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Ha. I’m not, Connie. I was once, though. I’ve seen up close and dirty just how these dynamics are skewed in our intimate conversations, and thus why there’s so much widespread suffering … Or even simply widespread “not deeply thriving.”
Hello, this article is interesting but there are a few things that I am not entirely convinced. I have four children (2 boys and 2 girls) and when I was pregnant I was sore all over and exhausted it was impossible to surrender to my husband’s sex desire. It would be unfair on me and him. He would feel guilty, demanding me for sex when I am unwell or sad. After birth I was focused on my newborn baby and also recovering from birth. Ideally new mothers shouldn’t have full sex till after 6 weeks or 8 weeks if she is poorly. Fathers should be able to nurture new mothers by giving her massage (massage can encourage milk hormones to make milk flow better and unblock the blocked duct – the blocked can cause infection and mastitis can make her really ill) and cook healthy food and feed her so she can concentrate breast feeding the baby. This way he can stay close to her without demanding sex. When she is completely recovered and she would feel really appreciated and can really appreciate his caring side and she would be open to him again. Pregnancy is a big demand on her body. He should massage her and try to bond with the unborn. Mothers run after kids, look after old people and the sick ones should be also nurtured by partners. I do not want a flowery man but a man who knows he is but be sensitive to others’ needs.
Hi Tania. I really appreciate you sharing your experience. I know there are a lot of nuances to this exploration. One thing you said, though, which I find interesting, though I believe it can actually be very destabilizing in some relationships if played it too long, is your expectation that men should be far more nurturing to their wives after childbirth.
Just be aware that what you’re essentially asking of men is to express more feminine energy in the relationship. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, and many men would surely love it. (and masculine feminine is beyond gender, anyway, just to be clear).
But it CAN very quickly lead to a deeply dissatisfying experience for both partners.
For the man who is more masculine at his core, consistently expressing his feminine energy in an intimate relationship is likely to cause him to feel disoriented and disconnected, and eventually resentful, at least towards himself if not his partner.
His partner, assuming she is more feminine, doesn’t actually want her man to act more feminine. She’s with him for his masculine presence, not for his feminine presence. She might think she wants him to do all the things you insist upon, and you’re right, she’ll probably even love it for the most part, but she’ll also begin to soon miss her man’s lack of masculine presence, and there’s a reason she didn’t marry one her girlfriends.
Of course, as I said in my article, any evolved man will be respectful of his woman’s state and support her in reconnecting to her own feminine core self when she feels depleted or disoriented.
But the risk of having two feminine presences in the relationship, or perhaps worse, when you become more masculine because your husband is in his feminine … well, it’s a real cause of stagnancy and dysfunction in relationships. I’ve lived it. Repeatedly, in my ignorance.
I know this all may sound neanderthal on the surface, but I don’t mean to present it that way. There’s some deep archetypal energies at play for us here, and we’ve been ignorant for a long time on this.
I’m just working to educate people on these. However you apply them, or whether you discard them entirely is up to you! Thank you!! Bryan
Thank you for your comment. I didn’t mean to imply that men should be nurturing all the time. Mind you with the foreplay side women need help with warm up and he has to take part. It’s not nice and sore when she’s not ready. So, strangely enough he has to get in touch with his feminine side to get her to surrender to his desire. (Nurturing can mean massage, stroking and so on with a long list). But when she is ready and he can go back to his masculine side. Anyway I took my time to reply as I was contemplating about what you have said in your blog and comments. I studied Zoology (specialised in animal behaviour) for my honours. I was brought up in a strong masculine environment. My father is Italian, old fashioned and traditional. He was in the army. My mother was very submissive. Somehow he taught me and my two sisters to be independent and competitive. But I was the black sheep in the family. I was a tomboy and I loved my freedom to roam about with my bmx, playing outside all day and I hated wearing skirts because they were restricting my freedom. I am profoundly deaf and a sign language user. Now I love being a mother to my children and I am a homemaker. I do not care what others think. People often comment I am a strong woman who is in touch with her feminine side. I have to balance two energies in me because being a single mother is not easy. My ex husband failed to provide for his family. He has drink issue. He was abusive and bullying. He failed to take his responsibilities. I feel fathers should take the lead, provide for his family and support their wife. But if the wife wants to work, then it’s their choice. I do not judge. I do lots of volunteer work for the community. My best friend is very masculine and her husband is in touch with his feminine side. They have a happy marriage. What about gay/transgender people? My other friend is lesbian. Her partner is staying at home looking after kids. She goes out to work to provide for the family. I think it is more interesting to have the variety of different people with their choices. I passionately believe in the freedom of free choices and it’s their right to express their choices. Some men make excellent nurses. Some women are amazing at directing. I abhor any abuse and violence from either side. I think we are in a very exciting time where people are evolving into expressing who they truly are. In the past, we were not allowed to express.
Tania, the interesting aspect of all this is the polarity of masculine-feminine energies (which are at play inside each of us, as well as between our partners). Yes, a predominantly masculine man (or woman) is deeply served by connecting to his (or her) feminine expression, as well. However, a man only need “get into his feminine” to seduce his woman IF she is expressing more masculine energy. A woman relaxed into her feminine isn’t going to experience sexual attraction to a man also expressing feminine energy.
I completely agree with you that there are as many ways a relationship can work as there are relationships on the planet. I wrote this article with predominantly masculine-feminine polarities in mind, and I wrote it from the perspective of what a healthy masculine man generally wants from a feminine woman. It won’t apply to everyone quite like this (which is why you see such a variety of comments here), although it will apply to what the masculine energy of a man/woman wants from feminine energy, in general.
Amazing! It is been years that i read tons of articles and i never usually leave a comment but your article spoke to me, every single detail here. I saw that these things make or break relationships and how people never look at themselves first but always want to change the other. Again excellent article and i am very glad to see people thinking like this exist. Keep up the good work
Thank you Giulia. I really appreciate you taking a moment to share your inspiration. Bryan
I’d agree with most of it except the ‘sex’ part: evolved man will not just put up with sex, for sex is only a dim twinkle in comparison with the bright light of MAKING LOVE. Woman yearns to continually ravished, open to God, open to her deepest feminine self (even though she may not know this consciously…). An evolved man knows that though, his mission may be higher that what his woman knows, for he sees the goddess waiting to be awakened, with his third eye seeing beyon the illusion he sees the potential that lies before him, the amazing gift of a fully awakened woman. He too yearns to be blessed by seeing and feeling his woman to be full, open to love by he too yearns to be blessed by the radiance of the awakened goddess, the greatest gift man can ever receive from a woman. That is what woman yearns for, and she’ll know man’s intent the moment the moment he’ll enter her, her body will tell her the difference between making love and having sex and respond by opening or closing.
A woman who is truly made love to will radiate with love and happiness, and it will naturally reflect in all the other pointers: she’ll be carrying herself in her true, authentic self, she will be naturally happy, she’ll be demanding her man to live in his highest truth and call him on his BS, she’ll adore her man with her open heart, she’ll be in devotional surrender to him, trust in him to lead their life to their highest light…..So men, do not go for less, women, do not sell yourself short!
Well said, Shakti! Thank you for sharing your insight. I totally agree.
Very much with Tegan. There are some pretty heavy flaws in your reasoning here and all I see beneath the flourish is same old same old patriarchy; men taking control of their delicate women. You can’t cover up the misogyny by saying masculinity and femininity are ‘essences’ or some other such non-thing. They are social constructs. A set of characteristics lumped together as being admirable and desirable for men or for women. They are not even biologically defined. You leave no room here for gender fluidity. Are you someone who asks of same sex relationships “who is the man?” or “who is the woman?” Relationships don’t need a leader.
And this stuff about sex and surrendering? You have got to be kidding. “This is often what makes men turn to porn, strip clubs, massage parlors, affairs. Feeling his woman consistently shut off sexually from him is aggravating beyond description.” Man, the insatiable sexual animal. Hurting, uncontrollable, in the face of cold woman depriving him of access to her body whenever he wants it. You’re as offensive to men as to women here. And talk about blaming women for the actions of their male partners. How abut this is why men often stray into another woman’s arms? Or this is why men sexually assault?
“He wants no games; no withholding; no negotiating.” This is compatible with being deeply sensitive to a woman’s needs, how exactly? That you can’t see the misogyny in these statements and claim to be an enlightened man beggars belief. No man EVER deserves access to a woman’s body “anytime”. It doesn’t matter how “evolved” you are (and don’t even get me started on that bullshit, as a scientist the abuse of this term seriously gets my goat), how sensitive you think you are, how much you believe you respect a woman. Apparently you believe that if a woman likes sex, and likes you, she will automatically want to have it with you whenever YOU ask for it. Because a woman can have nothing else going on in her life that may come between the liking sex and liking a man and make her not really fancy it tonight. I wonder if you have a female partner? I wonder if you have ever had children? I wonder if you have ever demanded your NOW sex from a woman who has just had a baby and felt there must be something deeply wrong with her chemistry or something else to make her not fancy it? The belief that a woman will be always available to you if only she is happy and “authentic” enough is the height of male privilege, sexism, patriarchy.
Clearly this post triggers some passionate anger in you. I can understand why, if you read it through the dirty filter of thousands of years of male oppression and abuse of women (and feminine men).
However, I’m no misogynist. I have 2 strong mothers and 3 powerful sisters, and I have been in relationships with extraordinary women throughout my life. But given all the ignorant mistakes I made in my intimate relationships, the one thing I am 100% clear about is they did NOT need MORE sensitivity from me!
We live in a world of duality. The terms Masculine – Feminine are merely symbolic representations of that duality. They simply enable us to communicate about ideas.
Life is paradox. It holds opposites in ways our brain can’t always make sense of. I know I’m pointing at some perplexing paradoxes here, but do notice that nowhere in this blog did I say it’s ok for a man to control a woman or do whatever he wants to her, or even that he owns her. In fact, I I’m pretty sure I say the exact opposite a few times. I’m completely for woman’s liberation.
But I’m also for restoring awareness around our true masculine-feminine cores. Though I too was trained as a scientist (electrical engineering major and an Air Force Captain in the US Space Program), I can’t deny they exist. I’m predominantly masculine. It doesn’t matter whether I’m intellectually aware of it, but it does matter whether I act in alignment with that masculinity.
In the end, that’s all I’m really pointing at in this article. If you read my other articles, I think you’ll get that I’m the last person one could accuse of supporting patriarchy, misogyny, etc.
In any case, thanks for sharing your perspective. I do understand your upset, but there are other filters you could read this through.
Reblogged this on African by Default and commented:
Oh my… ♡
I cannot agree with you that an evolved woman would always be up for sex. Women’s sexuality is cyclical and is deeply connected her womb which moves with her menstrual cycle. This is different to men and the fact that she does not always want sex does not mean there is something un-evolved about her. Quite the contrary, women have been taught for thousands of years that if she is not always up for it she has a problem. And we are all still being fed this idea through the media.
A man who wants his woman to always be up for it is not an evolved man in my view, but a man who feels insecure about himself and needs to feel wanted by her to sooth his insecurity. His inner work is to look at that insecurity and find ways to feel his worth without the sexual affirmation of woman. And women’s work is to stop using their sexuality to ‘keep men interested’ as this is also rooted in the lack of self worth wound and find their worth without that. Bith men and women could then truly evolve together in mutual respect
I do not disagree with you, Jewels. I think you bring up some valid points.
But notice in my article, I’m pointing at the scenario where a woman is consistently denying her man sexual contact with her. Not simply where “she doesn’t want it all the time.” That’s very different to what I’m talking about.
It’s a bit nuanced, I agree, and surely there’s a place for men to work with their own sexual energies in ways that are not dependent on the woman always doing something about it.
… but I’m pointing at the experience where a woman is consistently cut-off sexually from her man. That’s a very different experience. (I know, I’ve been there!)
Thanks for sharing your insight. Bryan
I completely agree with you. This article is way too simplistic about the sex thing and totally contradicts itself! You can say you’re an evolved man who is all for women’s liberation all you want but by following it with something like a woman should be up for sex any time the man wants it is ridiculous. If you don’t want it to come off all rapey and misogynistic then word it differently. People have all kinds of different sex drives and things in their life that get in the way. I can’t imagine being married for 20 years with kids and wanting sex more than once a week and I’m sorry but if a guy has a problem with that he can shove it. Love and sex are not the same and unconditional love for someone should not depend on their amount of sex. Wanting sex and being open for sex are mostly physical and I can’t control my hormones or if I’m sore or tired. It’s not like I can just decide to have sex even when I don’t want it because I love my guy and want to make him happy because it HURTS if you are not in the mood! I have no control over this! I don’t like being penalized for things that are out of my control! Yea sure most guys WANT a woman who is ravenously sexual for the next 40 years but like, come on. I’d love a magic unicorn as a pet but sometimes we need to be realistic.
“if a guy has a problem with that he can shove it.”
I clearly wrote that no evolved man would want his woman to ever do something she doesn’t want to do.
I did write that if their sexual experiences are consistently out of sync, then that man would want to explore it openly and courageously, together. And he’d want his woman to explore it, too.
How is that “rapey” or misogynistic?
I would also say that “shove it if you don’t like it” is not generally a helpful orientation to satisfying long-term intimacy.
Thanks for sharing your insight.
I’m backing you Brian. On the word choice surrender and that the masculine energy needs to lead. I agree because for me as a libra my life goal is to find my perfect partner and aid them with love and companionship. I find life’s meaning in building them up to be there best. Not loosing sight on my own dreams is of course important, but finding a true companion I can fully submit myself to emotionally, spiritually and faithfully is my ultamite quest . Much love!!!!! Going to share this article with my partner soon 🙂
Apologies for typos***^
Hi Miranda! Thanks so much for sharing your perspective. You are appreciated! I’d love to know what your partner thinks, too.
Thank you so much for writing this. I want a man who wants a woman who embraces this list. It’s so frank and full of love at the same time!
Thank you Annette. I wrote this article with so much love coming through my fingers!
I like what you’ve written. Youthful and feisty woman like to be in control , I imagine. There comes a time though when a woman wants to be led – but only by a man who can out-man her. I will not step aside for a boy who with no direction or one who less capable than me.Trust is the operative word here. I married a slightly younger man and had to take on the masculine – the job of leading. He is slowly evolving but interestingly , by imitating me. A bit creepy , and certainly a turn off. The loss if femininity in role reversal gets tedious . I wouldn’t mind being met by an equal amount of masculinity so that i could reclaim the mystery of the feminine. I have not been with such a man, but then again , I suppose its because I have not been fully evolved. I will know him by his love of my authenticity..yay , can’t wait
Absolutely. Many (most?) predominantly feminine women have never been fully met by a mature masculine man worthy of their complete trust. Generations of men have never been shown how to be that man. It’s not surprising that your husband is learning by your example. He probably never had another example. He likely married you because he unconsciously wanted connection to more of the divine masculine he was seeing in you. I’ve done that a few times with women. Now that I’m connecting more with my own mature masculine, I’m far less attracted than I used to be to strong women who animated a lot masculine energy, even if they were still actually more feminine.
It’s quite fascinating to see how my attractions are also evolving as mature masculine forces come more online in my own body.
Nice article, and I agree with most of the points until number 5and 6. I feel more comfortable with both members surrendering leadership, allowing the partner whose skills are best suited for the condition to lead at that specific time whilst fully recognizing that at another time they will be following. Same applies to sex, each partner should be open and trusting enough to ask for sex or postpone. I’m not talking about a silly power point refusal or demand, but a respectful union when simutantiously opportune.
Leslie, what you’re suggesting is something many in our current culture will identify with. What I’m hearing you say is you want a 50/50 style of partnership in the relationship. If that’s so, that really works for a lot of people … but only to a point. This “split-share intimacy” doesn’t work for people who are actually more masculine or more feminine at their core. Masculine and Feminine (which is not strictly correlated to man and woman) do not bring the same gifts to relationship. A woman deeply connected to her feminine expression does not want a man to “ask” her for sex. Her feminine nature desires a masculine man who is worthy of her, a man demonstrating integrity, presence, valor, and who has her complete trust, to take and ravish her.
Many women in our culture today, even if they are predominantly feminine, have learned to express strong masculine energy (for all kinds of reasons). Likewise, men in our culture have learned to express more feminine energy. Thus this 50/50 ideal we claim for ourselves.
But it doesn’t work for many people. Relationships become stagnant, boring, two people whose once-juicy sexual polarity has diminished and no longer attracts them sexually to each other.
For some people this is just fine. For many, it’s clearly not. Boredom in monogamy has become cliche. This is partly why.
These are my views on it, anyway.
This was a great read. It’s sad to me though that we’ve come to a place where just basic loving a person for who they are and accepting their innate power has become exceptional. Good on you for writing this up.
Evolved, no one lead the whole time – it is a collaborative balance of ebb and flow of both – that is what ‘partners hip’ is all about and if a man want s a woman to surrender he has to be willing to do so, as well. Being fully present, along with genuine caring and interest can ignite anyones “fire” and keep embers going.
I think there’s a lot more to be said about that, Kate. We are an entire culture of people striving for a 50/50 partnership arrangement, and yet it’s become cliche that marriage is boring. I think there’s yet another evolution in our journey of intimate relating that oppresses neither partner, but also doesn’t soon bore them, either.
I dance tango and there can only be one leader, usually the man. However it’s always a conversation, without the conversation it just two people doing their own thing and then you have to ask why are we dancing together …. but oh god, I love the word surrender, when making love or having sex, there are times when I want to surrender to my lover and to be done to by her…. and at other times I want my lover to surrender to me and allow me to do her!
if you are wanting to surrender to your partner half the time, and have her surrender the other half, then you may very well be equally balanced in your experience of masculine-feminine energy in your body. There are a lot of nuances to this exploration, and I’m painting in broad strokes with this article.
More gynocentrism…. This article has little to do with what men want or need to evolve. It is a thinly veiled list of things totally focussed on women’s needs and wants.
Love this article. I was beginning to think the evolved man was some kind of mythical creature! 😉 Thanks for giving me hope, needed that today!
Hi LJ. That’s funny. I hear that observation from women a lot these days … that of the mythical evolved male creature … I promise you more and more men are waking up to what it means to be mature masculine beings. So be patient! There are men doing the necessary work to learn how to fully show up for extraordinary women. With love, Bryan
Nature only cares about survival and procreation. Humans have made a sensual movement out of relationships – sex is only means to procreate but people want to prolong the sensuality. Also, there is no such thing as evolution towards a progressive side. Its all a figment of the mind. All this material is fodder for new age BS which folks from west coast US buy a lot. It is no different than watching kardashian style reality shows. These folks thing they are evolved but they are as much pleasure seekers as anybody else. The folks who create this content end up creating an audience who pay money to them to sustain their business. David Deeda is one such guru.
I’m from the East Coast USA.
Too simplified of what Nature “cares about”. There are 7 billion people on the Earth — we are not hurting in the procreation department. And Nature seems to take care of overpopulation (and add on environmental contamination by humans) in many ways – disease, sterility, etc. We could say having larger populations study the philosophy of life, and being more careful in how procreation happens, homosexuality, as an evolution as Nature’s way of compensating and leveling out the population. Humans becoming stewards of the Earth and mindful seems like a very logical evolutionary next step to help our species survive.
And making dramatic comparisons isn’t necessary – Kardashians vs books which people choose to buy and use it to think about life and their actions is no comparison. Who cares if people choose to pay people for their ideas? This has happened since humans have been alive and that is their contribution to society. Like a modern day shaman or medicine person or philosopher, in a sense — they have always been revered by mankind, as new ideas and thought is also what keeps mankind alive.
I also struggled mightily with #6. Sexual politics have no place in a romantic relationship, but at the same time “man want sex all time” isn’t really the right place to come from either, because a woman’s body is not a man’s property, no matter how intimate the relationship is, and should not be expected to be available on demand. It might only be that you didn’t articulate that bit as well as you might have, but a woman’s agency over her own body is a HUGE hot button.
How about this: an evolved man wants *agreement* with his partner about when an how sex occurs, and that they are both healthy enough to acknowledge that their desires may not always be equal.
I’m not suggesting men want (or even should want) sex all the time, and I clearly state that no man should ever force a woman to do something she doesn’t want to do.
However, what I’m pointing to is that these 50/50 relationships our culture idolizes where everything is negotiated, including sex, can be detrimental to long term monogamous relationships in a number of ways, including and perhaps especially sexual intimacy.
I get that, seen through the eyes of a patriarchal system where men have mostly forced and abused the surrender of women, this would seem distasteful and even a step backwards.
But I believe when people are deeply connected to their true sexual nature, very different yearnings emerge. I know that not all men are masculine and not all women are feminine. You might be a predominantly masculine woman, and so what I’ve written here wouldn’t make any embodied sense to you.
But ask any predominantly masculine man who is connected to the fullness of his masculinity, which includes even the aggressive, dominating aspects of his masculinity, and he will not be excited about a relationship in which sex is 100% negotiated.
There is a yearning in his masculine heart, in large part, to passionately ravish his woman. He can’t fulfill on that yearning through a negotiation.
Likewise, a woman deeply connected to her mature, wild femininity doesn’t want a man who always asks permission to make love to her. In fact, her feminine heart yearns for a man who is bold and courageous enough to cut through her resistance, her testing, with ABSOLUTE LOVE, and sweep every cell of her being of their stubborn cellular feet.
This is not about possession in any way. I make that very clear.
This is about surrendering in love, with complete self-determination paradoxically intact. It is a paradox full of potential riches, the relationship with one so connected to love (and trust) that she (or he, if he identifies more as feminine) would willingly surrender her body to her chosen partner because he (or she, if she is the more masculine) has shown himself worthy of her love and trust, that she implicitly knows her would never heartlessly abuse her surrender.
Neither was I suggesting that sex should be 100% negotiated or that a man needs always to ask permission. There are times when such words are unnecessary because passions are awake in both of them, and they know it.
But again, you use a phrase that is troubling: “… her feminine heart yearns for a man who is bold and courageous enough to cut through her resistance, her testing, with ABSOLUTE LOVE, and sweep every cell of her being of their stubborn cellular feet.”
Um. Whose feminine heart? If there is resistance and testing there are reasons, and not merely to be cut through–but to be explored, learned and put away ONLY when the time is right.
There are so many assumptions here, mostly gender-normative, that still play right into the idea that man is the dominator and is the one who should “cut through” resistance. You need a different model, sir.
I use gender-normative terms because it makes the conversation easier. But I know this isn’t merely a man-woman thing.
I intentionally made it very clear in the article that no man has a right to own or dominate a woman, nor would a good man even want to.
Ahhhh but regardless, I accept that what I’m pointing at isn’t going to connect with everyone. Clearly it doesn’t with you, Rebekah. Surely we can both be ok with that.
Hi Brian, thanks for sharing, i enjoy your clarity and care expression, also the interactivity of the comments.
Reading about the controversion about ‘surrender’ – i can imagine rephrasing to ‘open up deeper and deeper’ – more the benefit, less control.
Looking forward how this thread evolves further 🙂
As with many other commenters, I agree with the spirit of the article, and I’m so VERY glad to know that “evolved men” exist.
Also like many other commenters, however, I’m struggling greatly with the word “surrender”. Although perhaps it’s appropriate when both people *want* a single leader, I disagree that there *must* be one leader in a relationship, as in a dance. In a true partnership, whether it’s a working relationship, or a romantic relationship, there must necessarily be an immense amount of trust and respect, and there is give and take on both sides. The people involved recognize that one has certain strengths that the other does not–AND VICE VERSA. In other words, there’s not one leader, there are partners, each of whom leads when their strengths are needed, and then defer to the other when it’s acknowledged that the other partner is stronger is something. Or in an area where they are both strong, they work together.
I am a very strong willed woman with a great many strengths and yes, a great many weaknesses; while I recognize in myself that I would like to partner with someone I trust enough to let go, I also maintain that I will only let go when I trust the other person enough to be strong where I am weak; and would hope that my partner trusts and respects my strengths in the same manner. I don’t always need to be in control. But I refuse to be with someone who always needs to be the leader.
So, no. Not surrender. Mutual trust and respect.
Yes, we have cultivated a world of strong women who have learned to express strong masculine energy. I think in many ways that’s a good thing. I’m all for women’s empowerment.
However, after coaching 90 women the last year of my coaching practice, I see over and over how frustrated so many women are because they must constantly express masculine energy to survive, to make money, to simply be taken seriously by men in the workplace.
Our world doesn’t need more masculine energy. We need women (and men who identify as feminine) living in their fullness as radiant thriving feminine beings.
Yes, we all have access to the full range of masculine-feminine ways of being. And when it comes to intimate relationships, it’s often helpful for both partners to be able to access both, also.
But I am a predominantly masculine man who has been living my life more in my feminine. And I have seen how detrimental that has been in my relationships with women, whose femininity had them aching for me to express more direction in my life, in our relationship, that would have allowed them to relax and trust my presence.
Clearly every couple has to decide what works for them in how to make decisions. I see clearly that the 50/50 approach plays a part in creating legions of eventually dissatisfying intimate relationships for people in our culture. I think that’s worth exploring.
I’m not even sure how to respond to this. You’re speaking of YOUR experience, and of the experiences of women whom you coach. But that’s not the totality of the feminine (or masculine) whether in professional or personal settings.
The issues with a woman “expressing masculine energy” aren’t about the woman, but the society in which she must function. Our world doesn’t need more masculine OR feminine energy. What it needs is AUTHENTIC energy, whatever gender it comes from.
How many times do you hear that when a woman asserts herself in the workplace, she’s called “bitchy” or “bossy”, whereas when a man asserts THE SAME MESSAGE, he’s esteemed for his leadership qualities?
And again, you’re still coming from the point of view that “masculine” and “feminine” are somehow absolutes, when in fact gender and what we consider to be gender-based characteristics are sociological constructs, propelled largely (though not exclusively) by, yes, religious expectations of male and female. Gender is a continuum, and characteristics such as compassion, leadership, negotiation and stubbornness are personal traits not bound to one end of the gender spectrum or the other.
I disagree that 50/50 is automatically ultimately dissatisfying. You’re talking about a single leader in what should be a partnership, and with that I disagree. Power imbalances are deadly to most relationships and to the people involved. TRUST is critical, and vulnerability is a necessary component. And it’s even okay to surrender–ONCE IN A WHILE. But to *expect* surrender at all times, that’s when I call bullshit, and you’re still living in modern gender-normative roles.
Now all that said (here and elsewhere), I’m grateful that you’re willing to explore the topic. We might agree to disagree on this point, too, but I recommend that you continue giving this concept–and your notions about what constitutes “masculine”–further thought.
I’m looking forward to the day when Deida’s noxious pseudo-spirituality stops infecting the “enlightened” man conversation.
Saying, “This isn’t repackaged patriarchy,” doesn’t apply if it is, in fact, repackaged patriarchy.
I’m not sure how you can call it patriarchy when I’m fully supporting a woman’s right to self-determination, making very clear that no man has the right to dictate what a woman does with her body.
But I get that people seeing this blog entirely through the ugly filter of ages of repressive patriarchy would be disinclined to see through to the heart of what I’m really pointing at in this blog.
But I appreciate you taking the time to voice your annoyance just the same. It’s all welcome.
You know what fascinates me? You wrote a wonderful article, Bryan. Filled with tremendous important words that we truly need in this new age of time. We (and yes, also women!) need men who are balanced, open and true to their ‘manly energy’. That’s exactly the reason why I loved your blog so much! I can only be a strong and vulnerable woman, next to a man who embraces his own strength and vulnerability. So, to sum up: Your article is doing the world a favor!
And yet. Al these women are responding to the point of having sex – or not. I could feel it is not even related to this article anymore. It is a fear that’s grown through decades. It’s a collective fear that I recognize being a woman. However, your article is so delicate and pure that I could heal that collective wound. Maybe I sound to ‘spiritual’ at the moment, but what I am trying to say is, that I’m extremely surprised that women respond this extreme way to that single point of ‘having sex or not’.
You explained yourself so, so, so, so, so well. And as a woman I would like to tell you: Sex has absolutely a place in a relationship. Duh. Otherwise we would call it a friendship!
It is amazing how deep a collective wound can be, that all these women only focus on this point, while you wrote a masterpiece of love from a man’s perspective.
Dear women, Let’s celebrate the WHOLE article instead of finger-pointing on some details that are not even that serious. Are we really want to put this nice man in ‘that’ box? Come on! This is one of the good guys out there.
I just realize, reading all these comments from women who are finger-pointing on your article, maybe I see it different because I’m from the Netherlands. Cultural differences always play a part in relationships. I wonder how Dutch women respond to this article – I will share with some of my friends this week!
Yes this article definitely triggers women in different ways. I find women who are more dominant in their lives, and clearly want to be, can even get a bit angry at what I suggest here. I’d love to know what you find amongst your friends, Annette. Thank you!
Ravishment doesn’t involve negotiation in the world of romance novels, which is what Deida and his army of high performance men’s coaches espouse as desirable gender roles.
You repeatedly imply to women who disagree with your assessment that ambition and leadership is anathema to feminine energy that they are simply misunderstanding you, and failing to recognize that you are different than all those oppressive dudes from before. You may be saying the same exact thing (submit, relax, let the man call the shots, be happy with what we tell you makes all women happy) but you are different because you are enlightened.
Do you realize that every religious man who oppresses women in the name of his spirituality considers himself enlightened within his spiritual context? I know you probably don’t realize this since you’ve been raised in a generation where women had career options and legal rights, but this doesn’t mean the modern woman isn’t still being oppressed by the same line of BS you’re spinning here, just repackaged for the New Age community who is too triggered by Abrahamic signifiers.
Honey child, David Deida is a sociopath who objectifies and hates women (actually he hates men, too.) Any enlightened woman who reads his crap knows this by page 2. It’s my sincere hope for you that you come around to a more balanced, individual acceptance of human beings’ drives and valid pursuits of self fulfillment and happiness.
Ladies, if you’re relaxing into your feminine energy and some dude doesn’t want to have sex with you all the time still, it’s probably because you have better things to do with YOUR purpose than wait around to be some “enlightened” man’s helpmeet. Your purpose in life is about more than feeling safe.
Just living in my truth. My sexy, driven, on purpose boyfriend agrees with me, by the way. Somehow he still has his balls AND respects me as his equal.
I don’t claim to be enlightened in any way. Yes, the title of this article says “evolved man,” but clearly there is no end to any person’s evolving, including you and your on-purpose boyfriend fortunate enough to know where his balls are in this otherwise disoriented world.
I respect women as my equal, and nowhere do I suggest otherwise. I’m simply saying we are not “the same” … I’m also telling this through the perspective of a predominantly masculine man and predominantly feminine woman in relationship … not every couple fits that description; and I know that some women are more comfortably masculine in their orientation.
Equal AND Different. Which pretty much applies to every single human being. We’re all equal AND different.
However, Deida’s work resonates deeply with many, many thoughtful people, as does what I’m writing about. I’m no Deida defender. Hate on him if you want. What I’m writing about clearly does resonate deeply with women and men alike, which you can find evidence of in the other comments to this blog.
We’re all always evolving. This article is not going to resonate with everyone.
This article isn’t the final word, either. Nor are your opinions … which, by the way, your snide way of engaging me is an angry arrogance that leaves little room for enjoyable discussion. So I’ll leave it at that. No sense further wasting each others’ time at this point.
I get that you’re not a fan, but since you brought up his name, when David Deida says the only difference between rape and ravishment is love, I think there’s something deeply powerful in that observation and all that opens up within it. Our world, and women everywhere, will continue to suffer at the hands of men disconnected from their hearts, as long as we continue dismissing this conversation as “noxious pseudo-spirituality.”
The only difference between rape and ravishment is CONSENT. Full stop.
Of course. Ravishment still doesn’t happen in a two-sided negotiation. There is room for evolution in our experiencing of each other.
It doesn’t seem you can accept that I’m completely against doing anything against a woman’s will.
I used the word “surrender” on purpose. In the context of a loving relationship between two people (whatever gender mix), surrender of one to the other, even if they take turns surrendering, is essential for deeply passionate love making to even happen. Without surrender, there are two people whose bodies may touch but whose impenetrable psychological boundaries prevent either one from truly being sexed into bliss.
It’s just my view, it doesn’t have to work for you.
This all speaks truth to me – the final surrender on the dance floor tells me I am not there yet but long to get there in this lifetime. I long deeply to be met by this depth as I know I can offer it in everything except the above. Where are these deep men – claim me deep masculine
I am a more masculine energy woman in general, and married a man who was not evolved and as Bryan describes. After my divorce, I dated a man for a short time where I was given the gift of learning how to surrender and how passionate that made me feel about myself, him and life. That experience was the start of my growing, amazing femininity in ways I never had known–I was in my 40’s when that happened. I believe once a woman feels what it’s like to surrender to a good man, she always wants to repeat that experience–there’s no going back. So young ladies, consider opening your mind to the truth in this article, reduce resistance. Which leads me to my next point…
I’m not sure why there is angst or sadness of the absolute beauty and perfection of nature, and how men and women were designed to fit together perfectly. Let’s celebrate the deliciousness of that, not go looking for problems or ‘issues’. Revel in the power women yield, dance in the light of womanhood and all the gifts we bring to the table, learn to love self with wild abandon. Then see what is attracted as a result <3
I love articles that leave me thinking…..feeling. You have beautifully and eloquently described what for me is a “Manly Man”. There are some out there and I hope another one crosses my path again (my ex-husband was one, but there was too big of an age gap between us)….and then surrender to love. Thank you for your insight Bryan
I feel somewhat astonished that so many people with so many great things to say,all of whom have something to offer including the original author,- especially around 50/50 as not the best answer and that we are all equal AND different that haven’t mentioned the understanding I have of surrender. To me it is never surrender to the man but surrender of my head/ego into my heart/my soul self.
When I do this there is trust, truth, ease, flow and pleasure present, beyond attachment to the identities of gender and masculine/feminine qualities. There is just beingness.
Sometimes it means I open myself fully to my man sexually, sometimes in yielding, sometimes I ravish him, other times I nurture him if he is unable to meet me or call him out on it depending on where he is coming from or nurture myself if I am unable to meet him. At others we meet each other in total passion or sublime nothingness. At still others I go for a coffee, meet my friends or go to work….
Surrender is always for me an internal experience that externally shows up as human (or Divine depending on your bent) openness, trust, love, creativity, gratitude, compassion, passion etc.
I appreciate the concepts of masculine and feminine, which my man and I have been exploring, yet sometimes they seem a bit harsh and limiting without the heart which for me is where they dissolve from the egoic concept into the reality of humanity.
Beautifully articulated, Annette. I agree there is no “final word” on this. We are each exploring what is true for us individually, and that is the only meaningful final authority for any one of us in any moment … and even that “final authority” is always evolving. Thank you 🙂 Bryan
Holy f**k, did you really write that? I don’t think I have ever had my own thoughts, feelings and point of view so brilliantly put into words. I read this article and thought; “that’s it!” This grabs at the core of who we are; powerful, loving, and alive. very enlightened perspective!
Totally agree, Kelley, this article was beautifully, thoughtfully, articulately written and expresses everything I’ve come to believe. Now, I’m just hoping to create this kind of deeply authentic and intimate relationship with the soul partner of my dreams!
The problem I have with this article is something I don’t think many people have discussed yet, which is the idea of choice. When I dance with a partner I prefer to follow, but I do not consider this the same as surrendering. Surrendering is by definition a coercive act. It is not a choice. To surrender is to give something up, usually because there is no alternative. To me, this is not a healthy foundation for a relationship.
Even if your definition of “surrender” is different from mine, I would argue that by insisting that the “evolved man” lead everything in every relationship, you are denying women an important choice. Some women like to lead all the time, some women like to follow all the time, and some – like me – prefer to lead in areas where they are confident but follow in situations where their partner is better suited to lead. All of these preferences are completely normal and should be equally valid if the man is sufficiently “evolved”.
Just putting that out there.
I agree. As I have written more in the comments than the actual article, I wrote this really from the perspective of what a predominantly masculine man wants in intimacy from a woman. Actually, it’s not about man-woman at all, but masculine-feminine. This article won’t specifically apply to everyone, but it will apply to the dance of masculine-feminine energies inside us all.
Admittedly, what I’m about to write may be off base a bit from the article itself and the commentary though, this is what the article inspired me to write so, please allow me to share the thoughts in generated within me:
I remember when the world was flat. Do you remember that? Then one day we started sailing the seas and someone noticed that the ships in the distant horizon fell off the edge and were lost forever. They then realized, when those same ships returned from the cliffs of a flattened world, that the world must in fact be round for such a thing to be possible. I’m sure you know the story better than I.
Up until this point the whole world in general thought the world was flat and that was okay. It wasn’t disputed; although later it was proven wrong of course. This was THEIR truth at the TIME and it was RIGHT for a time.
It sounds funny to us now but, if we were to time travel back before this discovery, there would be no way in hell, for the most part, we’d convince someone that world wasn’t actually flat. The people of the world needed time to grow and evolve their understanding and eventually that is what happened naturally.
Why do I bring this up you ask and what does this have to do with this article?
I bring this up because part of being an evolved man/women/masculine/feminine/person is understanding that not every person on the planet is evolved as much as another. Not every person is in a position to write an article like this; let alone read all the amazing commentary it generated. I read about half of the comments myself and I learned allot. Well, at the very least I understood allot. We’ll see how much I’ve actually learned and am able to put into practice going forward.
Anyway, the article says absolutely nothing about having an understanding, a willingness to accept (acceptance of) another’s current level of enlightenment and evolution. Nothing about the fact that different people may need time and the right brew of circumstances to grow and evolve.
We, especially in the western world, often make the mistake of thinking that our beliefs are evolved and therefore the rest of the world’s beliefs should be as well. That one should be more evolved and therefore one’s beliefs, one’s social position in time, should be more inline with our own.
Now, I’m not saying we should continue believing that the world is flat. No, people will need to evolve or they’ll be left behind; at least under the current “system” of human evolution.
So far I’ve spoken of things on the large scale though, I see it happening on the small scale as well; right down to personal relationships. The “issue” arrises in that we’re not allowing people/relationships/groups/countries/world time to evolve “naturally” in many cases. If you’re more enlightened then your partner then the responsibility falls on you to accept (there is that word again) the current position of your partner. Help where you can but, accept their position as a human being in time.
I think we often times get lost in our search of perfection and forget that accepting people for who they are is often times the best way to accept ourselves for who we are.
Again, I’m not saying we need to roll over and play dead and if you know yourself well enough to know that your partner isn’t a good fit because of what ever reason then by all means move on but, again, I did want to touch on the thought that we need to be more accepting of our partners and of ourselves. Such acceptance can go out a million different ways like a web built from the fibers of love.
With out acceptance of the “un-evolved” rather, the “less-evolved” (I couldn’t come up with a word that didn’t have such negative condemnation so I apologize in advance) then we don’t deserve the “right” to be evolved ourselves; no matter how hard we think it and or will it.
To accept is to love…
Wow! This article is so incredibly misogynistic.
Where do you see “hating women” anywhere in this article?
Sooo in the author’s opinion, a 50/50 relationship is actually an UNequal one because the man is entitled to more say in the relationship simply because he is a man? That is sexist. Sexism and misogyny isn’t just about “hating women” . It’s about believing that as a man, you are entitled to lead in the relationship, have the final say, that you are entitled to her body whenever you want her, it even covers your entitlement to write articles about what men want. Hey, news flash! Women don’t care what men want. We already know what you want as you have been reminding us of how we don’t fit the mold every day we’re alive on this planet through movies, tv, magazines..ect… How about you listen to what women want for a change, and this woman wants you to stop spreading poisonous misogynist garbage !
No … a 50/50 relationship is perfectly equal. And nowhere did I say a man is “entitled.” In fact, quite the opposite. I say very clearly that women are free to do whatever they want, and any “evolved” man will respect that.
However, what I AM suggesting is that there’s another evolutionary step possible for us beyond so-called “50/50 equality” that can bring many of us back home to the deeper experiences stirring in our core. We live in a predominantly 50/50 society, and our divorce rate is still sky-high, and possibly even rising (according to a recent study released by demographers at the University of Minnesota)
50/50 isn’t the end of our evolutionary story. It’s the beginning of a new chapter.
For most people, deep within our being are expressions of a more masculine or more feminine nature. Those expressions of being are very different from each other, and so they each have different gifts to offer the world and each other. They are equally valuable and essential to the health of humanity. We need them both, in the world at large, in our intimate relationships, and even in our own selves. But they are very different expressions from each other.
To clarify, some women will be naturally more masculine and so won’t identify with surrender the way I’ve written about it here. Also, that more masculine woman won’t be as attractive to a man who more naturally expresses healthy masculine energy. She’ll want a more feminine man, or feminine woman, anyway, whose femininity is yearning to surrender in trustful embrace to a masculine form of love. That’s how polarity attraction works, in gay or straight relationships. These opposite energies attract each other.
I don’t mean “surrender” in this article as a synonym for give up your power to me. I know some are having a hard time seeing past that, given so much history of masculine abuse of the feminine. But I’m pointing beyond that. And my article doesn’t say anyone is entitled to tell other people what to do.
all I’m saying is that when we pretend those primal differences between masculine and feminine don’t exist, our intimate relationships suffer. That’s all.
I do not sense misogynistic undertones in this at all, at least not intentional ones. And the author made it clear from the get, that he was not trying to; A) upset the strong female readers, or B) define himself as an “evolved” man. If one finds sexism in this mans honest words, then in my personal opinoin, they didnt read it thoroughly, (or maybe just read these words without the open mind “evolved” individuals need, in order to learn more, love more, and thus evolve even more.)
I for one understand, in probably my own way, what he means speaking of building out of the 50/50 into something more spiritual and intimate. The Tao Te Ching says (and im sure im mildly misquoting), “a womans greatest purpose is to walk a man down his spiritual path, and a mans greatest purpose is to protect that woman, so she may walk him where she pleases”
There is a definite difference in a man holding a woman in the confines under his thumb, and a man holding a gentle and trusting feminine woman (because he is indeed a trustworthy man) under the safety of his masculine arms.
Thank you for your perspective. Your words are thoughtful and insightful. May I ask you; however, to correct the anatomical reference made in trait number 5? A woman would/would not strap balls to her vulva (external anatomy of female), rather than her vagina (internal anatomy of female). I realize this may be regarded as insignificant details, yet there is value in all evolved beings to empower themselves by correctly addressing anatomical structures, especially those that are often intrinsically linked with identity. Sat Nam.
I certainly don’t mean to propagate anatomical impossibilities. However, I meant it as metaphor (which I know you know), and sadly more people would be distracted from the point and confused if I used the word “vulva” (what/where the heck is that? too many would surely say). And since my intent for this article isn’t an anatomical lesson, I’ll let your comment stand as the anatomically educational clarification for all those similarly concerned 🙂 Satnam back to you!
I have so much to say and yet nothing at all, because I am tired of saying and doing- I just want to BE! This was a great article and I look forward to reading all of the responses.
Masculine and feminine are very challenging concepts for people in our culture to comprehend, myself included. We live in a masculine culture and the women in our culture live in a masculine paradigm as far as how we measure what is good and bad. I have written a bit on this and hope to write more between being a single mother, a doctor, and a business owner who spends all of my free time attempting to cultivate my feminine 😉 Here is my blog- it is sequential so it makes the most sense if you start from the very first post. http://tobeawoman2013.wordpress.com/
Cheers! I very much look forward to reading more of your work.
I have been married for a few years (I’d definitely consider it to be a happy union), and I love this article. Having been raised in a progressive, feminist, matriarchal environment, I understand how difficult some of these ideas can be for modern women. In fact, at the beginning of our relationship I had my own struggles letting go of the “i need to make sure I get my way because he’s a man and will probably take a mile if I give him an inch” mindset. But when I was able to relax and trust in the vision that he has for us as a couple (now as a family), I became more patient and flexible. My opinions and suggestions still matter deeply to our family, but I don’t feel the need to dictate every turn this ship makes. And guess what?! Our relationship is stronger than ever. We are happy. I was initially attracted to him because he was a strong man in full possession of himself. Why should I strip away that sense of purpose and usefulness from him now that he has committed himself to me? And the crazy thing is that we usually end up taking the course of action that I suggest! He trusts me because he knows I trust him. I don’t fight him for control, so he doesn’t obsess about who has the control. It’s nice; it works for us.
Yeah I love the paradoxes that arise in this exploration. You articulate one of them beautifully. Thank you Camille.
I pretty much agree with your article and she buys into point five. The problem is that she wants to have sexual relationships with other men and says that is important for her to be truly authentic and truly happy. My truth is about monogamy and that feels fundamental for me. So for us points one and two seem to conflict with point five, any suggestions?
Hi Danny. Thanks for reaching out and asking. In order for your any relationship to be successful for more than a short-term duration, you need more than just chemistry. You also need compatibility. Just beyond the initial relationship phase of “let’s hang out together because this feels great” is the second phase: “let’s talk about building together.” … This is when you get clear about whether or not you both want to build the same kind of life, and whether you’re both even ready to start down that path.
From the little information you provided, it seems you have a fundamental difference in the kind of life you want to create. At least today. Your girlfriend may grow out of her desire for polyamory in the future, or you may grow out of your desire for monogamy in the future. But today at least, it seems like you have an unbridgeable difference.
Unless one of you is willing to dance with the other’s lifestyle desires, or somehow you come to a clear agreement that lives in some lifestyle variation that works for both of you … in other words if you are both simply committed to the different lifestyles you now envision for yourself, then you’re simply not compatible with each other right now. You may have great chemistry, but great chemistry isn’t going to sustain you through the pain and resentment that is sure to build if you stay together with this incompatibility unresolved.
I.e. If you want different things, you want to different things. Genuinely loving another human being means giving them the space to live the life they are yearning for. Which sometimes means letting them go.
It’s hard I know. I hope this is helpful in bringing you clarity in some way.
Everyone is at different levels of moving into a “mature Masculine/Feminine” relationship with themselves and life. I use this term as it is used by Jungians to describe people who are well balanced in their own male/female aspects. This is a LIFE LONG process and extremely demanding on individuals, couples and society at large. Marriage with ones self can occur within the context of a stable relationship or not, but Marriage is the greatest form of psychotherapy that exists.
This kind of relationship cannot be found: both members of a couple have to grow into it. Some folks cant wait for the other to catch up and ditch the thing…which is good and bad.
This article is very interesting and I agree with it. If you’re not in this place within yourself it can seem confusing, but if you’re already in this mindset and seek these traits in a relationship it is awesome to want this. This is what im seeking, it’s finding it with the right person that makes it challenging. Finding like minded people to sustain this kind of relationship would probably be a journey, worth it though. 🙂
Yes this can be quite a challenging conversation depending on what you believe about masculine and feminine roles and dynamics – and what role you’re genuinely called to play – in relationships. Thanks Believe!
Wow! This moves me so deeply!
really insightful and well thought out. Not completely sold on the “surrender” part about evolved men not wanting an even playing field in regards to decision making. Open communication is ultimately key.
I understand your hesitation on that one. I think it’s mostly a question of who in the relationship carries more masculine energy, and of course partners could both carry masculine energy in different aspects of the relationship (e.g. one partner could be offer more masculine direction around child care while the other offers more masculine direction around finances). Masculine energy naturally resists being contested. In a balanced relationship, where both partners are expressing equal feminine-masculine energy, this might be avoided, but then something else important may be lost as well: that juicy polarity that keeps us hungry for each other. I’m evolving in this exploration, as well.
I was really enjoying this article, it’s insightfulness and how much it resonates with reality until I got to #5. If you think by not leading 100% of the time you are not an evolved man or your “metaphorical balls are in a metaphorical jar,” consider this: Since the dawn of time women’s metaphorical balls have been castrated. If you have to lead 100% of the time you’re not Evolved. Those who are evolved understand no one can lead 100% of the time and that the best results come from trusting, following, and leading based on the strengths of the individual *partners* and never on a constant contract of one person being in the lead. Like Canadian Geese flying in a pair or a flock – they take turns in the lead spot based on their skill levels so everyone leads and everyone rests and drafts off the leader to stay healthy and energized for the full flight. Just as I have to trust an evolved man to have my best interest at heart he also has to trust me to have his best interest at heart and that I do have the skills to lead in my areas of competency. To say anything else is to keep us all trapped in the patriarchal system where women are oppressed by the simple fact that their leadership is not valued.
I don’t disagree with you, Kellee. If my partner has an aptitude, expertise or simple passion in some area of living where I don’t, I’d be an idiot to insist she follow my lead. Indeed, we’d both be much wiser to follow hers.
In fact, I added this sentence today, because what you’re pointing at needs more consideration in this article: “He’ll also wisely defer to her direction when she clearly has the expertise, aptitude or passion for an aspect of living he clearly doesn’t.”
Thank you for being. 🙂
Awww thank you so much for that 🙂
I fucking love it! Love all of it 🙂 Especially no.s 3, 4, 5 & 6. All the points are right on point, but I totally get those ones…and writing some of this stuff is going t flip some folks out. I know exactly what you’re talking about b/c it’s precisely how I feel. It resonates right through to the core of my deepest longing for the way I connect and dance with the sacred masculine. Perfect, thank you. Please continue writing.
PS. My take on surrender…Surrender is stunning if you really know how to let yourself experience it in a state of grace…it’s more of a melting into the space of spiritual transcendence of the mind and ego….and that is so fucking sexy & beautiful!
You fucking get it. I fucking love you. 🙂 Bryan
ha-ha-ha 🙂 Fuck yeah! Thanks for everything Bryan, keep doing it – all of it. You’re creating the most sublime expression of the most perfect creation imaginable.
It’s a brilliant article and very well written! I really understand Tegan point. I’m a very strong, independent woman and a feminist and until not long ago I would have had the same reaction as Tegan and wouldn’t have accepted what this article says. However, this is because due to the hundreds of years of oppression women have endured, the women’s movement has made us more masculine as this is what was needed to prove equality and to have our own place in a world that was basically a mens world. However, this is not actual equality. Mirroring men to be accepted and respected doesn’t make women equal to men but makes us a faulty copy, hence inferior as we still look up to men for approval. Being what you are, accept what you are, and demand your place in the world, independently from your gender and whether this is in accordance to being more feminine or masculine.
Being a feminist, strong woman doesn’t mean you can’t be feminine. But this sometimes it’s difficult to accept.
Thanks Bryan for the great article! I haven’t had the chance to meet many people so evolved.
Hi Delilah 🙂 thank you for your beautiful insight 🙂 Bryan
As a independent woman and very much intuned with her feminine energy… I get exactly what you are saying here. I particularly don’t believe in 50/50 when it comes to showing up in a relationship. I believe in showing up 100%…. I grew up in a household where my father did not work, because he just didn’t want to. He felt a woman should do everything. He never provided. What a lot of people have to understand is, (and set their ego aside and stop thinking that you are talking about a woman being subservient to a man) and realize that it is not about a step back, its about a huge leap forward… I’m probably going to get some flak about what I’m about to say but here a perfect example of a woman being more masculine…
I personally know and see women who are very masculine now, this hasn’t always been the case. These women used to be very feminine and girl and exude femininity then as time progress, these women morphed into men, their whole persona, became masculine because they took on masculine traits and their testosterone kicked in, in high gear. We’ve all seen women or know women that are very masculine and call themselves “aggressive ” or “butch” lets just keep it real here…. I know someone who so convinced she’s with a man because her lover is very masculine. Even in a same sex relationship, there is a need for masculine energy and someone has to be the female and feminine. This friend of mine, because her lover is so masculine and her physical traits is shorter than her, she lets her lead because of her dominate aggressive nature.
I’m trying not to let this be long, lol but I know exactly and innately how this ting and yang is suppose to play out. When a man is confident and evolved and knows who he is and the qualities he exudes. The women would know how to follow. It’s an exchange of Mas-Fem energy.. I too have been told, when it comes to dancing to let the man lead. When I have danced with men who let me lead, it felt fine, but when they didn’t step up and lead or know how, it felt awkward. When I did come across a guy who knew how to lead me, I felt safe and confident and learned better and enjoyed dancing as oppose to a man who had no clue , how to spin and turn me. I think the “dancing analogy” is a perfect example. I been to countless classes and schools, in search of the perfect partner. If the school didn’t have great students, I simply left and went to find another. By the way a man moves, believe it not tells me a lot about it, in so many ways. The best love making experience I had was with a man, who loved music, he could sing and he could dance. Very intuned with his emotions. That man made love to my body like as if he was an artist and I was a blanked canvas. He got into my mind and brought me to ecstasy…
He led me and I followed. I trusted his unspoken words just by a simple touch or look.. words are not always needed. I know that when it comes to men, yeah you have some that will express themselves but men like to be shown, women too! Some women just talk to much, lol… I’ve been told that I act like a man sometimes because I don’t get to emotional, when it comes to certain things like most women do. I don’t have time for that, lol. I think there is a time and a place to tap into masculine and feminine energy when needed. I know when to turn it on and off. To me, theres nothing more calming and to know thyself and to surrender to myself first… as far as what I exude and then offer that, gift to an evolved man and trust him ( a good man of course). It’s not putting him on a pedalstool or bowing down to him.. (that would never happen with me, not in this lifetime, lol) It used to turn me off that I would meet so many horn dogs and they felt they were worthy or my body and they were not. Yes men are horny most of the time…. but that’s the way men express themselves and at the end of the day a man wants to revel around his women (some feminine energy ). I’m not saying women should give their partners sex everyday, thats just insane but there are other ways to make love to each other and to balance each other out.
There is nothing wrong being strong and wanting to be equal, but we cant be equal in everything or else we would look the same and there would only be on sex on the planet. Some women just go into masculine mode but with a female attitude. I study people, (no degree) and I see how arguments are escalated and I see the deeper issue. Women claim to want equality and want to be seen that way but they have to be evoed too aswell. If you want a man with certain credentials, make sure you have them too, If you want your man to be a MANLY, MAN, Let him exude those qualities and don’t emasculate him and being an example of what you want to attract, love, kindness, a woman of high value and worth and most of all be a woman, not a man. Don’t try to get on his level to prove your equal, yes equal as far as humans but but not as a man. I don’t know about other women but there is something sexy about a man, who knows how to lead and who is confident and a man that consults and cares about what his woman thinks. There should always be a power struggle is what I see a lot.
My ex used to lead and then somewhere along the way the tables turned and I hated it. I felt my masculine energy kick in, it even got to the point where i was breaking out because of a hormone imbalance. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, until I did some research. I was used to handling things on my own and taking care of myself. I even got a bit physically ill doing everything and not being able to be the woman and relax and feel that balanced. I think a lot of what is being said, sometimes, people need to literally hear it, because the tone of this article can be misconstrued in some way, no matter how many ways you write it. I pay attention to how men handle the most simply task, driving, dancing. Their body movement, walk, tone of voice, I pay attention to everything. The way a man drives and dances. I can tell the way they, how they will handle my body and if they will lead and protect me. One of my male friends, his driving skills is a complete turn on to me, the way he handles the wheel. How he’s in control but not to aggressive with it. His quick reflexes because out in public he would handle me the same way if he saw danger coming. One time we was out and someone dropped water on the floor, I didn’t see it, he did and out of nowhere, he just picked me up real quick so I wouldn’t slip. He had on the rugged boots and it was ok for him to get wet but not me. I think if most women are just intuned and pay attention, they will get the man they want and innately know and intuitively know when they come across such a man. Surrendering will not be a problem!
“One last thing on #6: an evolved man won’t make his ejaculation (or hers for that matter) the point of sex. But that’s a whole other article.”
Where’s the article?
Haven’t written it yet … it’s coming … so to speak. 😉
I left a comment on another post but completely forgot the title so I can’t track it. It was something an ex-fiance said and what happened afterwards. Would you mind to tell me the title, if that’s possible? Wanted to know your PoV.
Hi Jenny … it’s here: https://bryanreeves.com/why-every-couple-should-break-up/#comment-2410
I really enjoy reading your blog and this post has touched me! I just wrote about a dream I had, that very much revolved around the same topic. It’s in this blog post:
Thanks so much for this! Spot on and I’m looking forward to reading more… Maybe an article on how to early on identify weather a man is fully standing in his masculine presence?!
Love & peace
This is a beautiful and true article. I am fortunate enough to have an evolved man and although I know I have some work to do to improve myself, I’m getting there to the point of an evolved woman.Keep making us think and improve ourselves Bryan.Thanks for the inspiration.
Such a beautiful piece…very few men would be able to apply these!! How I wish…
“I’ve decided that mostly means…”
No. You’ve lost all credibility with that statement. You don’t get to decide. You get to do the (hard) work of exploring what that means to the one woman in front of you and then deciding (honestly) whether or not you’re up to the task. From the rest of your list, I’d question whether this is truly evolution or simply the repackaging of masculine privilege in a more acceptable wrapping.
Any man who wants an evolved and authentic woman to surrender leadership (in dance or in life) has to 1) do the work to be competent and 2) prove every day that he’s worthy of such trust in matters both small and great. The men who are don’t yearn for women to surrender. They simply make it safe to do so. Every. Single. Moment. And we do. And, in doing that, they make it perfectly okay for themselves to not always make the right decision – and they assure that we will be forgiving. Because we know, visceral knowledge based on experience, that, more often than not, they make the right choices, with our happiness in mind. And, on the rare occasions when they don’t, it is a genuine mistake and not a repeated behavioral issue that they try to justify.
“…he’ll want a woman who has cultivated a healthy enough relationship to her sexuality that she can enthusiastically, wholeheartedly and with sincere pleasure offer herself to him most anytime he wants her”
No. The idea that sexual desire originates in the male and is succumbed to by the female is the very antithesis of evolved.
You know what most of us want from a man? The understanding that obligation is not a convenience or a burden in a relationship, but a joyful necessity. The willingness to do the hard work even when there’s something much more fun or entertaining around the corner, if they could only get us to shut up and leave them alone or, more often, even when we’re not liking one another very much at that moment. Consistency. Reliability. Kindness. Generosity. It’s not that big a mystery. It’s just a lot of hard work and a lot of genuine selflessness to actually do.
I’m really glad you commented. I completely rewrote these 2 sections on surrender just now, because my views on surrender have evolved considerably. I will point out that I never even implied that sexual desire originates in the male. But anyway, thank you for reminding me that this part definitely needed updating. Grateful 🙂 Bryan
You say: “Infidelity, porn, strip clubs – these are deficiencies of character” …… Bummer, you completely lost credibility with me there.
You say: “Love is Obligation.” …. Jeez, that’s an awful definition of love. I totally disagree. Prison is an obligation. Taxes are an obligation. Death is an obligation. But Love is a celebration, and sure, devotion, a commitment to simply not live from fear. Obligation reeks of fear and ego.
You say, “Love is putting another’s happiness and well-being ahead of your own.” …… Again, completely disagree. That is the same recipe for disappointment and resentment that countless couples follow straight into relationship exhaustion and dissatisfaction.
I do agree that women are ravenous about sex, though. We are in agreement there.
Well, we’ll have to agree to disagree regarding deficiencies of character. Infidelity, in the absence of consent from one’s partner, is always, always a deficiency of character. The others could quite possibly be viewed as negotiable behaviors, but none of them are ever justified as behaviors in response to not getting what one thinks one deserves in a relationship. If you are a porn-watching, strip-club-attending man when I meet you, then I accept those behaviors as part of your character or I move on. But, if you turn away from honesty in the relationship and turn to those things as a response to sexual dysfunction or unfulfilled sexual expectations, then you are part of the problem and that is where I see an issue of character. Again, please note that I’ve said that withholding or misrepresenting one’s sexual nature as a controlling mechanism is also a character flaw.
Obligation is definitely an awful definition of love if you view obligation as fear and ego. Prison is a punishment set down by a legislative authority. Taxes are a necessity decreed by a government. Death is an inevitability that no one’s figured out a way around yet. Obligations are simply duties and responsibilities that are freely taken on and should be joyfully met. I trade my hours for pay. That’s an obligation. I can be resentful about it, bitch about how badly I’m used, piss and moan about how others get more recognition than I do or, I can find a circumstances that best fits me (by knowing myself and being honest about the other), determine and communicate my level of commitment with my behavior and choices, accept the consequences of those choices and then go about meeting that obligation with good will and good character.
People hate the idea of relationships being like work, but they are. Work. You make an obligation to another human being to band together as a pair by whatever definition the two (or more) of you determine and agree to. You give up a certain amount of autonomy and choice for the opportunity to know another human being intimately (and have them know you as well), for the comfort and convenience of the known over the unknown, and for the rare privilege of witnessing another’s journey through life with a close-up view. You take on the duty and the responsibility of providing whatever it is that the two (or more) of you have decided you need from one another. You can rail against those obligations and the work involved, or you can choose a circumstance (though knowing yourself and being honest about the other) that best fits you – that allows you to meet those obligations in celebration, devotion, and commitment. It doesn’t occur without periods of tedium, a certain amount of self-sacrifice, and, certainly, obligation, as when you do the things you’ve agreed to do even when they aren’t that much fun at the moment. Perhaps it’s just semantics, but I’m a communicator by trade, so semantics matter to me.
Putting another’s happiness and well-being ahead of your own doesn’t mean giving in to another’s fear, ego, or petty whims or being some kind of doormat. Sometimes, it means sitting down and having those hard talks about fear and ego, about obligations not being met and behaviors that aren’t serving the relationship. But, it also means having those hard talks with yourself when your first instinct is to say yes to yourself and no to the other. It means giving up the need to control the small things, giving in on things that don’t really matter, trading graciousness and gratitude for gratification more often than not.
And hey, I don’t have any answers, any more than anyone else. All my words are just opinions, based on my own experiences and observations. There are plenty of women out there who would agree with you that a man is perfectly justified in seeking pleasure elsewhere if he doesn’t get it at home, and that everyone should just do as they will and it’ll all work out and, if it doesn’t, it wasn’t meant to be. That could just as easily be right.
So, we agree on at least one thing. 😉 And it’s more fun discussing the nature of relationships with you than meeting my own obligations of the moment, which include the tedium of housework. Fortunately, this weekend, I’m the only one to be inconvenienced by my own character deficiency.
One more thought before I at least make an effort to tackle housework. I think there are two very different schools of thought about love. There is the idea that love is a feeling and that all actions flow from that feeling. That, if one can simply keep the fount of that feeling renewed, the actions that follow will be loving.
Then there are the contrarians like me. I think love is a verb. An action (oh boy, the word obligation is bubbling in the back on my mind again) that one chooses. The feeling is lust, or desire, or attraction, or chemistry. And those feelings are not unimportant in a relationship. But I really do believe that love is acting in loving ways, regardless of feelings.
Okay. Dishes. And perhaps a glass of scotch. Cheers.
“I understand now that the true power in surrender is never in surrendering your will to another person’s will.” Not quite. Not really. I would argue that true power in surrender is never surrendering your will to another person’s will unconsciously or resentfully. In the past, it has traditionally been women who surrendered in order to preserve the relationship. Evolution is not men figuring out a way to not do that in return. Evolution is conquering your own fear of metaphorical castration in order to offer that kind of conscious and joyful surrender to someone else’s happiness ahead of your own. To do the tedious maintenance portion of a relationship, even when you don’t feel like it. To both be and see an equal.
“I don’t mean to infuriate traditional feminists, but an evolved man still does want sex. Passionate. Consistent. Anytime. Sex. He wants no games; no withholding; no negotiating … Sex.” Newsflash, Captain. There are many women for whom this is true as well. Again, you approach this as though sex is something men want and women give, apparently with great reluctance (and I’ve certainly known a lot of women of whom that’s true, or at least whose idea of sex is considerably different from that of their men, who seem to think I’m an appropriate confidante for such disparities). That’s not evolved. That’s a very old fashioned “men give love to get sex and women give sex to get love” approach.
I call bullshit. Women also have “ravenous sexuality” that doesn’t always get met. In many cases, it looks different than the masculine version (or so I’m told – my own appetite is less delicate and more anytime, anywhere and I’ll-be-better-able-to-give-a-fuck-about-your-bad-day-after-you-fuck-me in nature, much to my own and my partners’ occasional dismay). And the “no games; no withholding; no negotiating” bit is privilege, plain and simple. I am not entitled to your balls. You are not entitled to my vagina. All of life is a negotiation if that life consists of equals.
Infidelity, porn, strip clubs – these are deficiencies of character, not natural outcomes of not getting what you think you deserve from a relationship. In fairness, withholding sex or misrepresenting your level of desire for sex in order to win someone’s love – also a character flaw.
I sense that you are sincere in your desire to help people, but I do believe that a lot of this rhetoric that we should all just follow our bliss and never have to do anything unpleasant or ask permission of anyone about anything is truly just a whitewash on traditional masculine privilege. Love is obligation. Love is acting in good character even when it means giving up something that matters. Love is putting another’s happiness and well-being ahead of your own. Love is making that relationship and that person a priority over your own wants and desires (which sometimes means asking permission or at least gaining consensus). Good sense is choosing someone capable of the same.
I am going to wish you the best and leave you to it.
Will give my male perspective here…
I really like and resonate with this article mate. Some valuable insight for both men on this path and the women in their lives. And many more women too… Will be sharing with my partner 🙂
I’m typically uncomfortable with the word “surrender”, but I was very surprised when reading your article just how very comfortable and safe I felt with “surrender to love”.
It is refreshing how you really “get it”! Thank you for sharing your knowledge with the world. I, for one, am benefiting a great deal. <3
I would edit it again, if I were you. It would say ” Whatban Evolved Person wants from a partner”, because everything you wrote is applicable vice versa, too. Thanks. It is a quite awakening.
That would be so less sexy a title! 😉 (I prefer to leave it to the reader to make those obvious mental adjustments.)
???? You are right
Regards, “However, he does want her to relax and trust him primarily to lead their lives together. … An evolved man doesn’t want 50/50 decision-making in his intimate relationship. When two people dance together, only one can lead.”….Is there room in your thoughts for co-creation? That each can lead depending on the moment? Have you read The Blind Horse Story? https://cloakeynotes.wordpress.com/2012/01/14/the-blind-horse-story/
Yes I agree that both want to relax and trust….. the other to lead. My comment is that in relationship the Bell can move from one partner to the other seamlessly Simply by listening. This is the awakened state of mind to know when it’s best to follow or lead. To give or receive the Bell. It’s the internal sound of the Bell that determines the lead in the moment as each remain listening to their higher selves. This is my goal in relationship. As my grandfather told me “Two heads are better than one even if there both cabbage. Then ther’s more sauerkraut”, George S. Rank
Tomas’s comment sits a lot better with me. I crave to relinquish control and let him take the lead on some things, but I know there are things I can naturally lead better. I like to take charge sometimes. That dance-leading-man talk sounds like too much David Deida (who, imo is 85% amazing, 15% ‘fuck off’)
I do love it when my girlfriend wants to step up and lead at times when I clearly don’t have the inner resources to do so. 🙂
Brilliant article. It takes a life lived well and fully to find contentment to understand. Truly appreciating the opposite sex, not in competition but in compliment to ones own life helps. Finding personal joy in being sexual and sensual……now there is goal vs counting coin, winning battles, holding power!
thank you 🙂
I’m teetering on my tipping point at this very moment. I’m ready to let go of my ego fear and surrender to an amazing man. It’s terrifying and exhilarating, and in that rush there is the recognition of impermanence. In surrender, if I’m grasping this concept correctly, I must be open to losing everything, or not. Ah, the agony/ecstasy. Deep breaths…
Thank you so much for sharing this. IT Speaks!
You’re welcome 🙂
I found this searching about dating as an evolved woman. I, too, am looking for the same thing in a male partner. I have found many “vampires” that are attracted to your energy and authenticity because they wish it for themselves. I don’t need a man in my life….I would like to share my life with a man….and learn how to love and be loved. I am finding dating very difficult.
love it…I might add a resolved man wants to be in good standing with previous relationships/ex’s…a resolved woman will not be threatened by this but support it…
Sure, though I offer that “good standing” doesn’t require you be “in regular contact” with an ex. I’m not “anti” contact with exes, but it can actually be very damaging to your current relationship depending on a variety of factors. Bottom line: if you’re in a relationship you actually want to be in, then it doesn’t serve either of you to dismiss your partner’s upset over your ongoing contact with an ex as “evidence” they just don’t support you.
#5 & 6 yes! There is a such grace and femininity in surrendering, the more feminine she is the more masculine he can be. By giving up control she allows him to be assertive and take lead. Then she can just relax and receive. Perhaps Christianity had it right, surrender to god and thy husband.
Well said, although I urge caution and discernment, for if you surrender to a husband who is not himself committed to surrendering to love (a loving God), then you are likely in for a deeply painful ride with that man.
lovely article! thank you!
You contradict yourself repeatedly. You keep saying that there’s masculine and feminine energy and you cater to equality when you say those aren’t necessarily connected to man and woman. But what you are really doing is creating boxes for people to live in. You really are insisting, if you are honest with yourself, that “men” live in the masculine box and “women” live in the feminine box. When you say men need to lead and women need to be led (no 50/50) what that means, at it’s truest level, is that women are INCAPABLE, LESSER, and DEPENDENT. Nicely done, you’ve managed to say yes, women are “equal” or maybe just valuable, but they are children. Stop using double speak. What you are saying, plainly, is that men are at the top, women are at the bottom. Clearly, you and everyone who agrees with you, think this, stop lying to yourselves. When you label and judge feminine energy as creative, not productive, nurturing, not mission focused, you are clearly creating a hierarchy where the feminine becomes a privilege and ultimately superfluous. Masculine, in your wisdom, is what actually makes the world function and feminine is fluff that can’t exist without the Almighty masculine to teach it how to be feminine in the first place. What you are aiming for is a return to the horrors of patriarchal oppression where women actively want it and celebrate it instead of fight it. You want women to happily submit to patriarchy and sexism this time around and you think that is evolved and enlightened.
Finally, in terms of sexuality, what you are asking for is permanent and automatically assumed consensual non-consent from the female partner.