3 Categories of Male Sexual Disorientation

January 11, 2016

painting-of-lovers

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Most men have no idea of the true power of sex.

Most of us use orgasm as a means to merely release tension in the body, to get out of our heads for a few minutes and relax our restless brains.

We too often use women, porn, or other men, to distract ourselves from that deep unfulfilled longing inside our hearts that would have us fully surrender to love.

Most men are heavily burdened by the sexual shame and disorientation that runs rampant through our modern world. What we do inside that shame and disorientation is tragic for everyone.

Most men are burdened by sexual shame & disorientation. Click to Tweet

Such disoriented men generally fall into three categories:

1. The Apologist

For much of my life, I wasn’t always clear what to do with the sexual passions that would rage through my body like wildfire. The world mostly taught me to hide them lest I be discovered for the perverted creature I apparently wasn’t supposed to be.

So I often hid these passions from women, worried they would be frightened by me – at least until their tongues in my mouth gave me reason to suspect otherwise.

I was deeply ashamed of my sexuality despite my vanilla tastes (attracted to women my age with vaginas).

As a result, I let countless amazing women slip quietly away who might otherwise have fallen in love with me had I shown them in healthy, heart-connected ways that I was, in fact, affectionately hungry for them.

Even inside relationship, I was always hesitant to “take” my woman sexually, living in perpetual fear of her rejection, or – ironically – of making her afraid.

Little did I know that every feminine partner I ever had hungered on a primal, deep level for a man who knew how to feel her, how to read her, and thus how to masterfully penetrate not just her body, but her mind, heart and soul, too … with the deepest depths of my love.

2. The Exploiter

Many men thrust themselves towards the opposite extreme of the sexual-expression spectrum, becoming predatory in their approach towards women (or other men).

Too many men expressing that version of sexual disorientation are all too willing to use and exploit a woman’s sexuality for his own selfish end. He wants that momentary, shallow hit of masculine freedom and control, and he can’t rest until he tastes it.

Ignorant to any other way forward in life, such a man will use woman after woman after woman, easily discarding each one as she loses his sexual interest. He’ll use deceit, intimidation, manipulation and whatever other means he has to satiate his sexual hunger, and not only will he not apologize for it, he may even use shame in controlling or dismissing his sexual partners, too.

I always avoided being this man, because I hated this man. I hated him for what he was doing to women, to the world.

But I also hated him for how easy it seemed for him to get the sex he wanted. I wanted it to be easy for me, too, but my shame held me back.

Little did I know, this man couldn’t fully enjoy the depths of sex, however, and especially not the true gifts of relationship. He could only lose his mind for a few minutes of shallow bliss until he ejaculated and was immediately reminded of the heavy mental burdens he was always carrying. He’s a junkie. He always needs another hit.

The exploiter is a pick-up artist: He knows how to get and bed the girl, but he never knows what to do with her afterwards.

Pick-up artists may know how to get the girl, but they have no idea what to do with her after. Click to Tweet

3. The Shut-in

This third category of sexually disoriented man is the one who’s sexually checked-out. Turned off. Shut down. He’s usually in a long-term relationship, and his shallow experience of sexuality has left him bored and disinterested. Rather than cheat on his partner and express his sexuality with another person, he’s found other outlets for his sexual energy – work, exercise, TV, watching sports, or anything that helps him numb out his feelings.

This man is living inside a cold, intellectual reality, disembodied and afraid of life.

His partner suffers, and so does he, though he’s so checked out he may not even know it (or be willing to acknowledge it).

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Many men, in our shallow understanding of sexuality, can switch between all of these categories at different times and in different contexts in our everyday lives.

Regardless how it looks, our collective sexual shame and disorientation clearly costs way too much – only our joy, enthusiasm, authenticity, freedom, and any chance at profound, authentic love.

Sexuality is a wondrous gift. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

The way out of shame is learning how to BE with our sexuality without needing to actually DO anything about it.

Just because a man has an erection doesn't mean he has to do anything with it. ~ Byron Katie Click to Tweet

Learning how to wield our sexuality responsibly, ethically and in ways connected to heart, is an art form.

When embraced and perfected, this art form can inspire the most intimate parts of our being to arch backwards in eye-popping ecstasy and dissolve us blissfully into love … even before actual physical intercourse happens.

What’s your experience? … Did I miss a category? Let’s continue the conversation in the comments below! (I read them all)

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  • I have a question, in wich category can I “put” a man who is addicted to porn? He is in the shut in department, but insted of just watching tv he watches porn. What is your out take on that?

    • Hi Ana, for what I can call my own experience and understanding upon this matter, an addiction to porn reveals a fear of dealing with one’s own sexuality in real life circumstances. Porn is a clear cut straight to the perceived physical end result of the “exploiter”, an orgasm (pleasure, release, bliss), without the need to deal with any interpersonal interaction which encompasses possible rejection, inadequacy or even humiliation. So it can be the “exploiter’s” outbreak of an “apologist”. To me it seems that a “Shut-in” kind of guy will want to stay away from porn as it stirs up a very powerful energy that he has worked a lot on suppressing.

  • Great article, great joy. Very inspirative. Thank you, Bryan. I met the guy “Exploiter” the most closest….unfortunately. It broke my heart. I was a good fit, a too nice, phantasy girl…but true, on the whole it led me to distrust men, to view them as shallow, with little depth, boring, dangerous even. I had not experienced the two other types, as I am not married, and who knows, perhaps there was some apologist, as I never experienced an interest into me. Perhaps it was a colleague. I felt very confused about it, little torn apart. I wanted to ask directly this collegue why he was being so kind, nice, attentive towards me..and never makes any other move, does not ask me out… . I made some steps to show more clearly my interest in him, but finally I did not had the courage to ask that whether he liked me or not. My intuition tells me that perhaps yes, he did like me, and it would have been a great fit to me, eventually, if we had the chance to know each other…but it was also a phantasy in my mind as nothing really happened. It does not feel well to me to make the first move, to ask the guy where I stand with him, however to receive clarity next time and move on faster, I dediced to do so in similar situations.

  • How is the man supposed to not carry shame around or live in fear of her rejection or making her afraid when all his life all he has had or seen is women shaming men especially about sex to the point where men are getting suspended from school for looking at a woman too long. Why is it no not something the woman would actually have to help with and realize the part she could play in the process? Nope the woman’s role according to this article is to (a) wait for Bryan to finish tell men how useless and worthless and defective and wrong they are and then (b) let them try to figure out how to become a mind reading genius at how to “feel her, read her, and thus how to masterfully penetrate not just her body, but her mind, heart and soul, too.” This shows really that the directive to men in this article is to do that – that is the purpose of a man – to serve the woman’s needs. But if so, then how is it that this is packaged as a supportive article for men?

    • I think Bryan forgot to properly name his blog post… It should read “Most men have no idea of the true power of sex – according to needy whiny selfish women who demand submissive men.” There. I corrected it.

      FTR, I’m a woman. And anti-feminist.

      • I’m very open about sexuality and consider myself a feminist. I prefer my man to take control in the bedroom. Feminism to me is about being able to do what makes you happy not what others tell you should make you happy. Being anti-feminist is being closed minded and resistant to true connections in relationships.

  • Thank you Brian for addressing this subject.

    The disillusionment of feeling cut off from a higher, purer form of intimacy within relationships has been traumatic for those of us who seem to remember a wholeness from which (perhaps) we have originated.

    The realization of how intensely the ancestral and societal influences around sex have affected our (particularly the masculine) consciousness (or lack thereof) is startling. Rape, incest, adultery, betrayal, sexual promiscuity… and the roles that porn (which is much more widely used than we realize) and even advertising and entertainment have played in feeding and propogating these behaviors within the masses in subtle and not so subtle ways… is horrifying.

    I have been informed that this collective wound has its roots in ancient times… and that the betrayal occurred first with the masculine… and then also, in response… with the feminine… and has influenced the mythology of the masses ever since. Can we educate ourselves to this… and STOP giving our power away to the ancient and current forms of attempted mass manipulation and control?

    Do we really want to continue playing this shallow (and dangerous) game of swapping convoluted energies, projections, DNA, fluids etc… just to satisfy a temporary, perceived “need”?

    How many people understand what we’re doing and creating when we project the intensity of our unchecked desires, fears, thoughts, fantasies and emotions into another person’s field… especially when we are in a “committed” relationship with another?

    To be quite blunt… what may innocently start out as a simple appreciation for the visual beauty of another… often (when we are trapped in the matrix mentality) turns into mental fantasizing… and then can progress with physical self stimulation and release, or even attempted physical contact and/or advances towards the object(s) of our desire. Either/all can take place multiple times in a day/week/month.

    Number one… this is unethical energetic intrusion into someone’s personal space without their consent… EVEN IF it is just fantasizing about them.

    Number two… it IS betrayal if we are in a committed relationship… even if it is only of the mind (which IS feeding our present and future creations and manifestations).

    How present ARE we, really in our relationships? How much do we fantasize/think about our OWN partner vs. how much energy and attention we give to strangers/acquaintances? Are we supporting and nourishing our intimate relationships with our thoughts, intentions and actions? Or are we slowly destroying any hope for deep, lasting, true love and intimacy?

    Thank you, again… for your courage in opening this dialogue with the world.

    Blessings

    ~monique

  • Thank you so much for writing this. I’m divorced and this totally was my marriage and now dating again, I’m running into the same problems! I need to find that guy where this has clicked. Thank you for giving me hope that he exists. ?

  • What about the man who isn’t “bored WITH” sex, but is borING IN sex? When are men going to stop being so afraid of what the newer research into female sexuality has shown, and instead embrace it as a good thing? – that all along, most women have actually craved lots of variety within sex, too. Much like…well, MEN! I have a feeling men like to hide behind the idea that they are THAT “different” from women (because where else did these false myths about women come from, if not from men?), but are actually afraid they may be inadequate to women’s real natures.

    Or similarly, the man who just isn’t interested in exploring or expanding his sexuality within a long-term partnership, even when his partner’s interest and expertise nets HIM better sex? (meaning, he won’t give back as much as he receives) Maybe those men are just too scared this COULD lead to the higher levels of sexual (and relational) union, such as the “mind, heart, soul, and deepest depths of love,” as you described it. THAT’S what underpins real passion, and is what most women really want and respond to.

    I agree with your suggestion that men need to take the masculine lead in the bedroom…not in a brutish way, but in a sexually confident way…so a woman can truly relax into her own feminine energy. Win-win.

    I also think it would be in men’s best interests to at least recognize that their ability to “compartmentalize” one thing from another does not serve too well when it comes to sexual relations. If they DON’T include their hearts during sex, that severely damages women’s cores, often beyond repair.

    I also highly agree with Monique’s comments, particularly “… it IS betrayal if we are in a committed relationship… even if it is only of the mind (which IS feeding our present and future creations and manifestations),” which is directly linked to “Are we supporting and nourishing our intimate relationships with our thoughts, intentions and actions? Or are we slowly destroying any hope for deep, lasting, true love and intimacy?”

    For certain, shallowness and fear of higher consciousness is ripping apart our world and our relationships. So sad, and so frustrating!

  • Wish I could have these conversations with my husband without offending him. I’m the wildfire, and I need wildfire sex. He’s not terrible, but doesn’t get that side of me. Women feel this way too, that’s I ended up here. Lol

    • In “The Boundaries Program: Relationships Suck Without Boundaries!” … we teach you how to have conversations like this (including about SEX) in respectful ways that BOTH honor your partner AND honor your own needs. We give you SCRIPTS – actual sentences, phrases, words, you can use to do this, so you don’t have to guess. Check it out: http://www.bryanreeves.com/boundaries

  • It’s interesting to know but there are 2 dimensions to any intimate relationship masculine and feminine partners. There are 9 possibilities for incompatibility. Where are the positive categories of approach to sexuality?

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