Most men have no idea of the true power of sex.
Most of us use orgasm as a means to merely release tension in the body, to get out of our heads for a few minutes and relax our restless brains.
We too often use women, porn, or other men, to distract ourselves from that deep unfulfilled longing inside our hearts that would have us fully surrender to love.
Most men are heavily burdened by the sexual shame and disorientation that runs rampant through our modern world. What we do inside that shame and disorientation is tragic for everyone.
Such disoriented men generally fall into three categories:
1. The Apologist
For much of my life, I wasn’t always clear what to do with the sexual passions that would rage through my body like wildfire. The world mostly taught me to hide them lest I be discovered for the perverted creature I apparently wasn’t supposed to be.
So I often hid these passions from women, worried they would be frightened by me – at least until their tongues in my mouth gave me reason to suspect otherwise.
I was deeply ashamed of my sexuality despite my vanilla tastes (attracted to women my age with vaginas).
As a result, I let countless amazing women slip quietly away who might otherwise have fallen in love with me had I shown them in healthy, heart-connected ways that I was, in fact, affectionately hungry for them.
Even inside relationship, I was always hesitant to “take” my woman sexually, living in perpetual fear of her rejection, or – ironically – of making her afraid.
Little did I know that every feminine partner I ever had hungered on a primal, deep level for a man who knew how to feel her, how to read her, and thus how to masterfully penetrate not just her body, but her mind, heart and soul, too … with the deepest depths of my love.
2. The Exploiter
Many men thrust themselves towards the opposite extreme of the sexual-expression spectrum, becoming predatory in their approach towards women (or other men).
Too many men expressing that version of sexual disorientation are all too willing to use and exploit a woman’s sexuality for his own selfish end. He wants that momentary, shallow hit of masculine freedom and control, and he can’t rest until he tastes it.
Ignorant to any other way forward in life, such a man will use woman after woman after woman, easily discarding each one as she loses his sexual interest. He’ll use deceit, intimidation, manipulation and whatever other means he has to satiate his sexual hunger, and not only will he not apologize for it, he may even use shame in controlling or dismissing his sexual partners, too.
I always avoided being this man, because I hated this man. I hated him for what he was doing to women, to the world.
But I also hated him for how easy it seemed for him to get the sex he wanted. I wanted it to be easy for me, too, but my shame held me back.
Little did I know, this man couldn’t fully enjoy the depths of sex, however, and especially not the true gifts of relationship. He could only lose his mind for a few minutes of shallow bliss until he ejaculated and was immediately reminded of the heavy mental burdens he was always carrying. He’s a junkie. He always needs another hit.
The exploiter is a pick-up artist: He knows how to get and bed the girl, but he never knows what to do with her afterwards.
3. The Shut-in
This third category of sexually disoriented man is the one who’s sexually checked-out. Turned off. Shut down. He’s usually in a long-term relationship, and his shallow experience of sexuality has left him bored and disinterested. Rather than cheat on his partner and express his sexuality with another person, he’s found other outlets for his sexual energy – work, exercise, TV, watching sports, or anything that helps him numb out his feelings.
This man is living inside a cold, intellectual reality, disembodied and afraid of life.
His partner suffers, and so does he, though he’s so checked out he may not even know it (or be willing to acknowledge it).
Many men, in our shallow understanding of sexuality, can switch between all of these categories at different times and in different contexts in our everyday lives.
Regardless how it looks, our collective sexual shame and disorientation clearly costs way too much – only our joy, enthusiasm, authenticity, freedom, and any chance at profound, authentic love.
Sexuality is a wondrous gift. It is nothing to be ashamed of.
The way out of shame is learning how to BE with our sexuality without needing to actually DO anything about it.
Learning how to wield our sexuality responsibly, ethically and in ways connected to heart, is an art form.
When embraced and perfected, this art form can inspire the most intimate parts of our being to arch backwards in eye-popping ecstasy and dissolve us blissfully into love … even before actual physical intercourse happens.
What’s your experience? … Did I miss a category? Let’s continue the conversation in the comments below! (I read them all)