There’s No Bad Timing For Love (When You’re Truly Ready)

♦◊♦

More and more I’m convinced the success of intimate relationship strongly depends on … timing.

I don’t mean perfect accidental timing, like where you just happen to be at the post office on the exact day, at the precise hour, minute, second that The One needs stamps.

I don’t mean bad circumstantial timing, like your co-worker crush finally confesses to their mutual crush a week before you’re leaving for a new job in Asia.

No, I mean internal developmental-stage timing, as in you are genuinely, deeply ready, no matter your external circumstances, to both receive the vast riches and lean into the intense rigors that come with any truly worthwhile intimate relationship.

Many people say they are ready … but they’re just … not.

I thought I was ready in my 20s. I thought I was ready in my 30s. But the disastrous results I repeatedly experienced as I tried again and again to do committed relationship with a human woman, revealed that I was in fact not ready.

From the perch I sit upon today, I see clearly that I was not genuinely, deeply, unwaveringly ready for a committed intimate relationship until my early 40s.

Even then, upon meeting the extraordinary woman I’d waited a lifetime for, I would soon face difficult challenges for which I did not feel prepared, and sometimes felt still unwilling to face, and so almost walked away from.

But I was finally, truly ready for intimacy with another human – and so was my partner – which is why we made it through.

For many people, this is what I’ve discovered “I’m ready” means:

“I’m ready for someone to give me everything I dream of having – all the love, sex, affection, validation, good times, and whatever else I want from romance. I am sooo ready (for all that)!”

That’s not “ready” for intimate relationship – not with another actual human person, anyway.

That’s adolescent fairy-tale fantasy refusing to grow up.

Being truly ready for intimate relationship means more than getting your needs and wants met. Surely certain needs and wants must get met to have a healthy experience.

But make no mistake:

Being “truly ready” also means being willing, now and forevermore, to stare down and best the ugly dragons that live inside you.

Because “the one you’ve been waiting for” will also likely be “the one with both the maps and the keys to the dark, dank dungeons where you keep those dragons hidden and locked away.

They’ll also have the willingness, maybe even the desire, to unleash those dragons to wreak havoc within you, whenever you resist offering your love out of some ego-centric fear that doesn’t serve.

In other words, true intimacy will require of you the endless, and sometimes excruciating, inner work of removing obstacles that prevent you from more fully opening of your heart.

This is no quick journey for the faint of heart, but a lifetime adventure for the courageously willing.

Relationship is your heart-work forever in progress.

No one outside you will ever “complete” you. No one is going to show up with giant palm fronds to fan you and silver trays filled for years with all those juicy, plump grapes you crave, despite the promises of your fantasy.

You’re already complete, with or without a partner.

You’re a living, breathing cosmic progeny of this infinite Universe, born at the leading edge of all creation! Whatever in creation’s name has caused you to believe the story that you need something outside yourself to be complete … has been lying to you.

Until you get that – at least intellectually, if not in your bones – you will endlessly, unconsciously, seek outside your own heart for a “bigger, better deal” than what you now have.

Which will be an ongoing nightmare for you and your partner – particularly if they, too, are endlessly seeking a “bigger, better deal” outside themselves (and if you are, they are).

In other words, you’ll just end up blaming your person for the havoc caused by your own dragons, and you’ll eventually have to replace them with a new person you (foolishly) hope won’t discover you have any.

So … consider that “good timing” just means you’re finally ready to make an outrageous, courageous stand for love.

Love is messy.

Love is challenging.

Yet how else can we expand our capacity to love if not for life’s messy challenges that force us to confront the limitations of our loving?

So beware:

Until you are willing to fully face the challenges and embrace the messy, you won’t be truly ready for intimate relationship – your “timing” will somehow always just seem off.

♦◊♦

What does this inspire in you? Please leave a comment below! (I read ’em all!)

NOTE: This is NOT advocacy for staying in abusive or unhealthy relationships in which your partner ain’t willing to grow. I’m a huge fan of learning (and teaching) how to keep your heart open even as you walk out the door to exit an unhealthy situation!

Related Posts

  • That went right in my heart as it expresses in plain words what I can feel as my inner truth. I am deeply moved. Thank you, Bryan.

  • I appreciate you and your messages so much, Bryan. This one really resonates with me as I have just met someone I like quite a lot, yet have already caught myself second guessing something he has said a few times and wondering if that will be an ‘issue.’ This helped me realize the issue is in me! I love your phrase “Relationship is your heart-work forever in progress” and will use it to help keep my focus on my growth. Thank you!

  • These things I totally see in my relationship, she came from an abusive place and is always trying to force me to shrink as a person to build herself up. She reacts out of “her normal” even though I’m trying to lead us into a healthy relationship, which she has never had it seen from childhood. She refuses to grow as a person, and it’s draining me to convince her to do so. I’m lost, my friends say leave her behind, but my own insecurities ‘dragons’ won’t let me do so. I’ve never been respected by her and I’m beating myself up to find the ‘why’. I’m exhausted from being the guide so she can face her own dragons that mine are growing and getting stronger, almost like they are being fed by her energy. I understand having the keys and having the road map, but does that mean sacrificing myself yet again for others?

    • I have experienced something similar, Claxton. I know how difficult this can be to change. If you’re not already getting professional support, I strongly encourage you to do so. The two of you got yourselves into this together; you’re not likely to be able to get yourselves out of it … not before things get worse, anyway. Also, always remember this: You can’t help someone else get well by making yourself sick.

  • Gosh I really love reading this over again it makes so much sense and how I knew at times I wasn’t ready so hence I chose partners that were harmful to me in EVERY sense, trauma trauma trauma and I suffered tremendously in each one. Realising now one of my requirement boundaries is choosing someone who is also active in reflective work and going onwards to explore more. Through your workshops online I now have a list of requirement and request boundaries until I did your workshop I didn’t realise I could have requirements !!! Massive realisation and a great help to me and my inner children ! I love this post feels really organic as in let things happen but use and trust my inner wisdom more so now. I love being with myself now this way loneliness has become a friend who needs nurturing and anger has a tear to show at times. I don’t blame, guilt or shame myself for feeling any part of these friends now thankfully and yes finally ! Coming home ❤️🌷thank you for being part of this for me. I really value the work you and Silvy do.

  • Being “truly ready” also means being willing, now and forevermore, to stare down and best the ugly dragons that live inside you.

    Because “the one you’ve been waiting for” will also likely be “the one with both the maps and the keys to the dark, dank dungeons where you keep those dragons hidden and locked away.”

    They’ll also have the willingness, maybe even the desire, to unleash those dragons to wreak havoc within you, whenever you resist offering your love out of some ego-centric fear that doesn’t serve.’ I’m gasping for air to breathe after this statement. Thank you .this really reaches the depths of me. I love your work. Thank you thank you thank you

  • This is one of your best ever, and I say that having read, re-read, and bookmarked a lot of your posts, videos, etc.

    I’m in the process of a divorce from a man who sounds so much like the old you – it’s incredibly traumatic and painful for many reasons and on may levels. Your stuff is always helpful, so thank you for that.

    I have one question stemming from part of the post. You say (and I agree) that “You’re already complete, with or without a partner.” But the next part is more difficult for me: “Whatever in creation’s name has caused you to believe the story that you need something outside yourself to be complete … has been lying to you.” Perhaps it doesn’t apply, but I am a woman who has not had children (& never will > age) and I still have a biological yearning to be a parent. I guess I feel a bit incomplete not having had that most natural of experiences. Just a thought, not criticism or question. I appreciate what you do, and Silvy too.

    • Apologies for typos and also the contradictory question/not question. I meant that it raised a question in my mind, not necessarily a question for you.

    • What if you could allow your “biological yearning” – whether or not it ever gets satisfied – to simply be part of your “completeness” as a human being?

  • >

    Get 7 FREE (short) VIDEOS to better understand your partner