MEN … Whether or not you think she has good reason to DISTRUST you, nature didn’t evolve a woman to believe your words, or even your recent past behavior.
Nature evolved her to believe your PRESENT STATE.
She’s constantly feeling you … RIGHT NOW.
No matter what you’re saying or what you did even 5 minutes ago, if you don’t FEEL SAFE to her right now, she won’t trust you, nor should she.
You don’t have to feel “good” (happy, joyful, excited, etc.) … but you do have to FEEL SAFE to her.
She needs you to FEEL SAFE so she can trust you.
If she doesn’t trust you, she can’t relax.
If she can’t relax, she can’t open to you.
Not authentically, anyway.
She might pretend to open to you, but she’ll only be abusing herself by doing so, which clearly serves no one.
If she can’t open to you authentically, she can’t genuinely give herself to you, emotionally, mentally, or physically.
Which means frustration … yours AND hers.
Because she’s aching to open to you.
But she won’t if she doesn’t feel you safe.
Nor should she.
To be clear, feeling SAFE doesn’t mean that you should feel castrated, afraid to show up fully in your passion, your desire.
You disconnected from your desire just makes her feel lonely with you, and ironically, still unsafe.
You disconnected from your desire, your power, signals to her that she still has to protect herself.
From this dangerous world that often refuses to acknowledge her feelings matter. And your disconnected self can’t show up to help her powerfully navigate that unendingly painful experience.
She’ll also instinctively know she has to protect herself from your disconnected self:
That dark shadow she knows will hurt BOTH of you, one way or another, actively or passively, so long as you refuse to courageously (re)claim it.
For as you reject your own desires, you will reject hers, too.
And as you reject your own feelings, you will reject hers, too.
This is perhaps the most profoundly empowering work you can do as a man:
Learn to stay connected to your deepest desires, own your immense inner power – which includes overcoming and integrating the primal forces currently holding you down in shame – then discover how to offer all that to her (and to the world) through your enlivened presence, your gifts of insight and courage, in ways that she understands fully you will never force her (or the world) to do anything against her genuine will.
A USEFUL PRACTICE:
Stop leaning on your words, or your actions, as primary evidence of your trustworthiness and sincerity. Yes they matter, but (surprisingly) less so than the depth of your presence.
Instead, shift your focus to what you’re feeling in your body.
I know that’s a tough one for most men (many women, too). So keep it simple:
If you’re feeling constriction, tension, fear, worry, anger, disgust, etc. in your body, she’s almost certainly feeling it, too … from you AND in her.
Instead of trying to get her (or your bank account, boss, kid, traffic, republicans, democrats, etc.) to change because you think that’s required first to make things better, instead focus on changing your own physical state first.
Go for a walk. Watch a sunset. Eat something yummy (and actually nourishing). Take a shower.
Or just breathe.
Shift your breathing, from short and shallow to patient and deep.
You can allow your breath to be just a little deeper … without forcing it.
Even that can help settle your nervous system, which makes you feel safer, which can make her feel safer, too.
I say “can” make her feel safer because you can only do your part; she has her (inner) work to do, too.
Just don’t fool yourself into thinking you’ve done all you can:
In my experience (personal and professional), I’d say about 100% of the time, we men have yet more to learn, and therefore more to offer, that would make a meaningful difference in helping our intimate partner feel consistently more safe in our presence.
P.S. Do not take this as advice to stay in a relationship that isn’t working. How do you know it isn’t working? Watch this BEFORE you break up: https://youtu.be/_TnXDtnEXD8
P.S. DOWNLOAD “LOVE SEX RELATIONSHIP MAGIC“ … an enlightening 10-hour audio program by Bryan Reeves to help you create the exquisite intimate relationship you deserve. CLICK FOR “LOVE SEX RELATIONSHIP MAGIC“
Our body does speak volumes, as does our actions, probably more so then our words do. I have been in a marriage/relationship for almost 25 yrs. For about 23 of those years….22 1/2 have, for the lack of a better word, Miserable.
Lies, accusations, betrayal, destruction of our vows, manipulation. While he said one thing, his body/behavior said the truth. I have discovered over the years that he learned a lot of it from his mother (based on her behavior over the years).
When they (men or women) lie to our spouse/significant other, 9.9% of the time, they believe it to be the truth, so when we catch them in the lie…..they don’t believe they’ve done anything wrong, or the at ‘we’re’ to blame for their choices & that it’s our fault that our relationship is broken, so if “we” change, then they would stop doing…….lying, cheating, manipulating.
It’s everyone’s fault but theirs.
Trust & safety is hard to have in a person who does everything they can to destroy it & blame the other because it’s gone. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust my spouse or if I’ll ever feel safe enough to share my fears or concerns about our relationship with him as it’s always been a near impossible thing to do during the bad times & he still overreacts & gets defensive & blames me.
It’s easier to give a stranger a chance of me trusting them, then it is him. I have always trusted people until they proven to me that they can’t be trusted, so my circle of friends is very small.
My husband has proven to me over & over again, I can trust him & it is not safe to be vulnerable with him either. His body language to this day causing me hesitation, which I don’t like to feel.
Man, this is gold! I’m right now in the middle of figuring out how it works to help a woman feel safe. Somehow I ended up living with a female roommate that triggers a lot of my old fears I have felt with my parents when I grew up. Perfect place for me to grow into the man I want to be in order to get the relationship I want to have.
And I think the only missing key for me is this! I came from being very unpredictable in my energy. One time I could feel really awesome and safe, and the other time tiny and weak combined with panic attacks and stuff.
What you’re explaining here hit’s the spot! I’m very, very aware of what is going on energetically, which makes it so that most advice I found was kind of incomplete. But then I got here and I felt so totally understood! You get it!
I’m starting to figure out how to feel safe to me and the woman no matter how I feel myself. The idea of being able to do that feels as such a relief.
And yes! I totally agree that women don’t really care about how they felt even 5 minutes ago. I’ve noticed that fun conversations happen whenever I got back into my safe feeling zone. And whenever I’m out she plainly ignores me. Kudos for her to being so good at just picking the right feeling moments. I feel in a way super supported to learn to be my full self.
There’s much more I can talk about how awesome I thought this article was, but I need to round it off somewhere.
Thank you for helping me find many, many gold nuggets of truth on how this all works!