Stop Fixing, Start Connecting (and Save Your Relationship)

November 12, 2019

Stop Fixing, Start Connecting (and Save Your Relationship)


Not long ago, in a coaching session with a couple, I told a confused man whose wife was on the brink of leaving:

“She will follow you anywhere … if you just stop trying to solve the ‘problems of her’ and instead practice connecting with her, acknowledging her experiences (curious to learn more), reassuring her you’re with her through whatever difficulties.”

When I said this, a wide, relaxed smile broke through like bright dawn on his wife’s previously tense face.

“Yes! That’s really all I want!” (her exact words)

Tragically, this runs counter to everything we men are taught.

We’re taught to solve problems, meet at the level of mind, fix things there.

We know nothing of the body, emotions, feelings, BEING in heart.

Yet a man’s willingness to practice simply BEING with his partner’s emotions – without judging, condemning, dismissing, or DOING anything to make them go away – dramatically increases his capacity to LOVE immediately!

Which increases the connection (flow of love) with his partner (which changes everything).

Ironically, most of those impossibly unsolvable ”problems” he so desperately wants gone – which he doesn’t think exist anyway and are just made up shit – magically disappear.

But we’re never taught this. (It is still sometimes challenging for me, too)

We’re never taught that learning how to just BE WITH HER through whatever challenges, even when they seem to be caused by our actions and words, actually pulls us through faster.

It’s a matter of simply learning how to BE with emotions & feelings – our partners & our own – without trying to make them go away, that can improve a relationship profoundly.

Don’t believe me?

Try it.

For next 7 days, try just BEING with your partner’s emotions, fully present, allowing, even EMBRACING her (his) experience.

No partner?

Try BEING with your own.

TIP 1: Don’t take their emotions personally. They aren’t (really) about you, no matter how hard she tries to convince you they are.

TIP 2: Being with your partner’s emotions will test your capacity to be with your own. Pay attention to (and practice being with) your own discomforts, too.

Please share your experience in the comments below, and send this to someone you know needs to see this!

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  • Thank you very much for your article and video! I will definitely give my husband to watch them. He often tries to “solve” my problems without delving into what I feel. When I share my feelings with him and talk about what is in my soul, he often tries to give me some advice or suggest something, but he never tries just to support me. This is probably the most important problem in our relationship. I often feel depressed because I am alone with my emotions. I even had to visit a psychotherapist. But, I think, it is worth to contact you to understand not only myself with my emotions, but also our relations with husband.

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