Have you encountered the man (or been that man) who emphatically claims, “I don’t want drama!”?
Swipe right … or left … I don’t know … whichever way you swipe to pass on someone you don’t want to date, because pass on this man you must.
“I don’t want drama” is what the perpetually confused and frustrated man puts on his dating profile – or repeats in conversation and often with a fair amount of drama in his voice – who is nonetheless irresistibly drawn to women with whom he will co-create “drama” until he is one day finally willing to learn how to EMBRACE the fullness of a woman, or the fullness of life itself!
Because when a man says “I don’t want drama,” he is essentially saying, “I am terrified of feeling out of control, and I cannot be with anyone who feels feelings or acts in ways that are beyond my current capacity to feel or simply outside my tiny stress-free comfort zone.”
Which means he will inevitably reject any woman who feels more than he does or who acts in ways that aren’t easy for him to be with, which is pretty much every woman, and certainly the women he will be drawn to.
That’s the nature of life itself!
For every man, in his deepest heart, ACHES to be held accountable to showing up fully in his life, and fully for love. So actually, a man requires an intimate partner who challenges and inspires him to grow everyday more into his masterful self.
And yes, every man yearns for an intimate partner who loves him profoundly despite his imperfections, one who can consistently see through his human flaws to the very best of him.
But no man genuinely wants an intimate partner who will just let him get away with living and loving small, with playing safe where nothing is at stake.
Which is why a man will often stop choosing a woman who stops challenging him by not being true to herself.
In other words, no man truly wants to live anything less than his full potential as a deep-souled human being who is every day committed to giving his greatest gifts to the planet, to his community, to his family, and to his intimate partner.
Whether or not he is conscious of it, a man needs a partner who will challenge him, because challenge is the only thing that inspires a strong, masculine-identified man to rise into becoming his best self every day.
I’m not saying every man responds so well to a challenging partner. Of course not! Many men clearly don’t.
Many men choose a perfectly challenging partner and then soon lament their choice. He’ll even blame her for making his life more difficult, all the while ignorant of or just in outright denial of the fact that he is choosing this experience!
But only because no one teaches us men why we would actually choose – can ONLY choose – a woman who challenges us.
And I want to clarify, there are countless unskillful ways that women challenge adult men that will only cause even the most self-aware of us men to drive that “no drama” stake deeper into the ground!
So I encourage anyone who wishes to partner with a strong man to learn skillful ways of offering him the more wild and unruly passions of your authentic heart … in other words, you can learn how to challenge him with love, with respect, rather than merely mirror his “no-drama” neediness with your “emotional-connection-at-any-cost” neediness.
Always remember this:
Until a man can just embrace that a partner who lovingly challenges him is what he REQUIRES to help him live into his mastery as a truly powerful, authentic, heart-centered man, he will continue his futile quest for that mythical woman who is BOTH mysterious and alluring enough that he wants to have sex with her AND who will somehow give him “no drama.”
Thank you for saying this, currently back in the dating market and getting really frustrated with all the ‘no drama’ lines in mens profiles. What I hear when I read ‘no drama’ is ‘I can’t handle any emotions, especially not YOUR emotions and when we inevitably break up because of my inability to handle an adult relationship I’ll call you a crazy bitch to all my friends’
I’m glad I’ve never met you Jane. No, an “adult relationship” doesn’t equal drama. A teenage relationship probably does. Thank you for letting guys know right off the bat that you’d be a horrible girlfriend. We appreciate you not wasting our time.
John, I bet you are single. And you need not wonder why, especially with the attitude you gave Jane. Your angry temper tantrum proves her point perfectly. You are immature and missed her point entirely. Oh btw I’m sure the feeling of having not met her is mutual
Wow. John actually just proved Bryan’s point to a T! For a while I have been believing someone telling me that I am “drama” and it took me a while to figure out that having feelings and emotions is not drama. Shutting someone down who has said feelings and drama is the problem.
john is triggered lol hi snowflake
Yes – please pass on me because I don’t want drama. No, I won’t be begging you to have sex with me. If being with you is miserable, I will dump you. Yes, I am prepared to be single forever rather than allow drama into my life. You’re welcome.
Have fun making sweet love to your laptop until you’re a desiccated shell for the mortician clean up crew.
Sounds like you have issues and no respect for women. Your loss. If sharing how you feel is drama then I wouldn’t want to be with you.
He would seem to have no respect for the emotional baggage of others, as I am sure you feel the same way. If he was to say, “I do not want to date someone that smokes”, then logically the only people “crying foul” would be those who smoke. Oddly, such a move (in both cases), is for the overall health (be it mental or physical) of the individual making their standard known.
John this is drama! You just created drama by the way you’re responding hun
I know right! And he’s the one saying no drama! Lol Irony at its best! ????
Thank you for this, Bryan. I’ve felt shut down and invalidated when a man has said this to me. Is there a female equivalent of this that I can bring up to this kind of man, to illustrate how it makes me feel?
I’m a hetero female and agree with this article, but would like to note that it works just as well with the sexes reversed. My first boyfriend was a veritable King of Mountains from Molehills, and Lord of the Nonexistent Crisis. Being with him was exhausting, and I dumped him because I couldn’t take his stupid anxiety-driven outbursts anymore. His behavior was childish, effeminate, and completely off-putting. I am into stability, harmony, and calm, not a perpetual freak-out over nothing.
Ultimately, EVERYTHING I write can go both ways … and every which way.
Depends on what your definition of “drama” is. Maybe some of those men (like “John”) have had unpleasant experiences with drama queens.
But many–I fear–are like the narrator to the song, “Gentle on my Mind” by Glenn Campbell. Any emotional bonding or hint of long term or even temporary monogamy makes him run. Upset at how “ungentle” you are. They also get angry if you get pregnant with their kids or have the bad taste to come down with cancer. Too much DRAMA!
He only wants fun and chuckles. No strings attached. All the candy in the store without spending a nickle.
You are so right! I had a guy tell me this and I swear he had a girlfriend the whole time. I saw them out together when COVID was really bad. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy for them if there happy. However, I asked for just small stuff and it was like too much to ask for! I eventually just stopped asking. We dated a short time but he did want all the candy but wanted to stand by the candy store door to collect. It was weird to me cause it kills the chemistry and just makes you uncomfortable around them. I think he felt like a dumbass when I said I had mentioned it a couple times politely and in an adult mannered conversation. It kills the chemistry for me!
Fantastic blog! Do you have any recommendations for aspiring writers?
There are three types of people: One have an “avoidant” personality, another one have “anxious” personality and the last ones are “stable”. People that don’t like drama usually behave in a way that lure drama into their life. They give their partner mixed signals, they are emotionally unavailable. They are “avoidant” or stable relationship. They like to keep their partner within arms reach. If you have stable personality, you’ll just leave, but anxious wants to fix the relationship, so when they and avoidant get together, they create drama. Both of them. I would say that avoidant has more problems than the anxious type, because anxious type just want to make it work and too weak to leave the unhealthy relationship. When an avoidant type has a HUGE problem and if he’s not gonna let people into his life and allow intimate relationship, he might stay signle for the rest of his life.
I would say, if a man says that he has never been in a long term relationship, don’t even think that you will be different! Save your time, girlfriends!
Bryan thank you for making me know today that I’m no drama queen and thank you for describing my ex. After our break up I thought to myself what I would have done to make things right, from the beginning he told me he didn’t want drama, called me a drama queen but This was the first time someone was calling me that in a relationship. Instead of leaving I stayed on, I was disrespected, abused, taken advantage off but continued to hold on and swallow it all. I found myself breaking up and going back, he too same thing. Until finally he ended it and I accepted. Looking back he was completely the person fueling the drama, he was the drama king. Everything you described Bryan is who he is and what I went through in my past relationship. God give me the strength to move on
Drama is usually nonsense. Any man who welcomes this into his life is a woman trapped in a mans body. BETAAAAA
Spoken like a true 15-year old boy who knows nothing of what it means to be a Real Man, and so must put down Men who thus threaten his fragile existence.
Bryan, your article is terrible. You make so many leaps. And guesses. You are drama. Sitting here making comments like the above comment, on your own article feedback. You’re a punk and it’s obvious from your article that you are extremely fragile. For some reason, you seem to know EXACTLY what dramatic men are like. Hmm maybe because that’s you? Lol, you wrote an autobiography. 2 thumbs up
Bren, I’m curious, how do you think your long-term partner would describe your intimate relationship?
I can tell it sucked! Talk about a chemistry killer!
Well said! You should want the best relationship and chemistry in your relationship whether your a alpha male, beta male, female or etc…
So you call out a guy who ‘must put down men’ by putting him down and calling him a ‘true 15-year old boy’ and inferring he is not a ‘Real Man’? Is this what ‘Real Men’ do?
Sometimes stress and overwhelm looks like drama. Drama you can stop… overwhelm you can’t. If a man (or woman) can’t deal with it then you’re better off out!
you are delusional bro! What a terrible article. And John you are a LOSER.
Ma’am, you are justifying “some” women’s poor behavior (and the poor behavior of men too). A gentleman is basically saying, “I am not here to be your emotional door-mat.” Nor is anyone responsible for fixing a “Drama Queen ZOR Drama Queen.” The need for attention and the determination to have it through creating drama (negative actions and behavior), through emotional tirades, equates to “poor life choices” or unresolved pain from earlier experiences. This is the self-evident baseline of BPD. Such is especially true when the “drama” individual (man of woman) refuses to take responsibility for their actions. If either partner gravitates to danger, negativity, etc, it is not the responsibility of the viewer to “fix” them. Therapists are available to make such an individual “whole” again, hopefully before said person goes out and abuses someone with their uncontrolled emotional tantrums and tirades. Connect with positive people, those who does not drag “negative unresolved issues” (which are usually the foundation of the “drama”) into your relationship. Anyone should have “standards,” and trying to “shame” an individual for having them (be it man or woman), telegraphs that the “shamer” not only exhibits the characteristics, but condones them. Again, therapy is required for this “drama Queen (or King),” not a human doormat.
Thank you for such an insightful and well written article
It depends on what you mean by the term. A lot of guys do not mean anything like what you’re talking about here. If you’ve been in a relationship with someone who is emotionally manipulative, or who creates problems as some sort of silly game, this takes on a completely different meaning.
Any advice that runs along the lines of “if he/she says X, run away!” is simplistic. You’re going to have to do the work of getting to know someone before you really know what you’re dealing with. A paragraph on a dating app isn’t necessarily going to tell you much.
My god! I have just ended a relationship with a mature male 16yrs older than myself, thought he was amazing, he said face timing his ex he has kids with was normal, chatting about what they are up to etc, then laying in bed with him and his first ex wife face timed him from work, chatting! He said do you have an issue with it, I’m friends with them, his ex constantly dictating saying after two years with him he’s not allowed to introduce his kids to me, she has 6 kids from different dads, he’s been married and divorced twice and cheated on every woman he’s been with hence failed marriages and ex relationship, he is totally avoidant of responsibility even his 28yr old has daddy issues and constantly on FaceTime with issues..needing his attention because he doesn’t give a crap, his step kids said they don’t want to meet me..their grown ups :/ he’s always falling out with his mates..and he had the audacity to say He can’t do drama! Wth did I get myself into! All because I wanted a bit more commitment after two years…then he created arguments from no where…told me I was fat, I’m a size 12, told me I’m pathetic…on yer bike mate..see ya wouldn’t want to be ya! And defo don’t want your drama! Horrible how they turn their crap into you..
Look you are a moron, men who actually work and not sit behind a desk like a lazy entitled bum HATE drama! Drama meaning: starting B’s just to have B’s running, which isn’t caused by an action. Women are known for gossiping and talking trash about others. Most men dislike this type of behavior. Liberalism seems to have ruined your brain dude. You sound so immature to me, men who work real jobs give their all to that job to provide for women and children. And you expect them to come home and listen to a bunch of crap. Telling your man how you feel isn’t the problem,the problem is when you start crap over nothing!