"I Don’t Want Drama" (Beware Of The Man Who Says This)


Have you encountered the man (or been that man) who emphatically claims, “I don’t want drama!”?

Swipe right … or left … I don’t know … whichever way you swipe to pass on someone you don’t want to date, because pass on this man you must.

“I don’t want drama” is what the perpetually confused and frustrated man puts on his dating profile – or repeats in conversation and often with a fair amount of drama in his voice – who is nonetheless irresistibly drawn to women with whom he will co-create “drama” until he is one day finally willing to learn how to EMBRACE the fullness of a woman, or the fullness of life itself!

Because when a man says “I don’t want drama,” he is essentially saying, “I am terrified of feeling out of control, and I cannot be with anyone who feels feelings or acts in ways that are beyond my current capacity to feel or simply outside my tiny stress-free comfort zone.”

Which means he will inevitably reject any woman who feels more than he does or who acts in ways that aren’t easy for him to be with, which is pretty much every woman, and certainly the women he will be drawn to.

That’s the nature of life itself!

For every man, in his deepest heart, ACHES to be held accountable to showing up fully in his life, and fully for love. So actually, a man requires an intimate partner who challenges and inspires him to grow everyday more into his masterful self.

And yes, every man yearns for an intimate partner who loves him profoundly despite his imperfections, one who can consistently see through his human flaws to the very best of him.

But no man genuinely wants an intimate partner who will just let him get away with living and loving small, with playing safe where nothing is at stake.

Which is why a man will often stop choosing a woman who stops challenging him by not being true to herself.

In other words, no man truly wants to live anything less than his full potential as a deep-souled human being who is every day committed to giving his greatest gifts to the planet, to his community, to his family, and to his intimate partner.

Whether or not he is conscious of it, a man needs a partner who will challenge him, because challenge is the only thing that inspires a strong, masculine-identified man to rise into becoming his best self every day.

I’m not saying every man responds so well to a challenging partner. Of course not! Many men clearly don’t.

Many men choose a perfectly challenging partner and then soon lament their choice. He’ll even blame her for making his life more difficult, all the while ignorant of or just in outright denial of the fact that he is choosing this experience!

But only because no one teaches us men why we would actually choose – can ONLY choose – a woman who challenges us.

And I want to clarify, there are countless unskillful ways that women challenge adult men that will only cause even the most self-aware of us men to drive that “no drama” stake deeper into the ground!

So I encourage anyone who wishes to partner with a strong man to learn skillful ways of offering him the more wild and unruly passions of your authentic heart … in other words, you can learn how to challenge him with love, with respect, rather than merely mirror his “no-drama” neediness with your “emotional-connection-at-any-cost” neediness.

Always remember this:

Until a man can just embrace that a partner who lovingly challenges him is what he REQUIRES to help him live into his mastery as a truly powerful, authentic, heart-centered man, he will continue his futile quest for that mythical woman who is BOTH mysterious and alluring enough that he wants to have sex with her AND who will somehow give him “no drama.”


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  • Thank you for saying this, currently back in the dating market and getting really frustrated with all the ‘no drama’ lines in mens profiles. What I hear when I read ‘no drama’ is ‘I can’t handle any emotions, especially not YOUR emotions and when we inevitably break up because of my inability to handle an adult relationship I’ll call you a crazy bitch to all my friends’

    • I’m glad I’ve never met you Jane. No, an “adult relationship” doesn’t equal drama. A teenage relationship probably does. Thank you for letting guys know right off the bat that you’d be a horrible girlfriend. We appreciate you not wasting our time.

      • John, I bet you are single. And you need not wonder why, especially with the attitude you gave Jane. Your angry temper tantrum proves her point perfectly. You are immature and missed her point entirely. Oh btw I’m sure the feeling of having not met her is mutual

        • Wow. John actually just proved Bryan’s point to a T! For a while I have been believing someone telling me that I am “drama” and it took me a while to figure out that having feelings and emotions is not drama. Shutting someone down who has said feelings and drama is the problem.

  • Yes – please pass on me because I don’t want drama. No, I won’t be begging you to have sex with me. If being with you is miserable, I will dump you. Yes, I am prepared to be single forever rather than allow drama into my life. You’re welcome.

    • Sounds like you have issues and no respect for women. Your loss. If sharing how you feel is drama then I wouldn’t want to be with you.

  • Thank you for this, Bryan. I’ve felt shut down and invalidated when a man has said this to me. Is there a female equivalent of this that I can bring up to this kind of man, to illustrate how it makes me feel?

  • I’m a hetero female and agree with this article, but would like to note that it works just as well with the sexes reversed. My first boyfriend was a veritable King of Mountains from Molehills, and Lord of the Nonexistent Crisis. Being with him was exhausting, and I dumped him because I couldn’t take his stupid anxiety-driven outbursts anymore. His behavior was childish, effeminate, and completely off-putting. I am into stability, harmony, and calm, not a perpetual freak-out over nothing.

  • Depends on what your definition of “drama” is. Maybe some of those men (like “John”) have had unpleasant experiences with drama queens.

    But many–I fear–are like the narrator to the song, “Gentle on my Mind” by Glenn Campbell. Any emotional bonding or hint of long term or even temporary monogamy makes him run. Upset at how “ungentle” you are. They also get angry if you get pregnant with their kids or have the bad taste to come down with cancer. Too much DRAMA!

    He only wants fun and chuckles. No strings attached. All the candy in the store without spending a nickle.

  • There are three types of people: One have an “avoidant” personality, another one have “anxious” personality and the last ones are “stable”. People that don’t like drama usually behave in a way that lure drama into their life. They give their partner mixed signals, they are emotionally unavailable. They are “avoidant” or stable relationship. They like to keep their partner within arms reach. If you have stable personality, you’ll just leave, but anxious wants to fix the relationship, so when they and avoidant get together, they create drama. Both of them. I would say that avoidant has more problems than the anxious type, because anxious type just want to make it work and too weak to leave the unhealthy relationship. When an avoidant type has a HUGE problem and if he’s not gonna let people into his life and allow intimate relationship, he might stay signle for the rest of his life.
    I would say, if a man says that he has never been in a long term relationship, don’t even think that you will be different! Save your time, girlfriends!

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