You Do Not Serve Anyone By Shrinking Yourself For Love

April 3, 2017

Robyn Chance Woman Painting


Woman, I know you have been hearing for a lifetime that you’re too much …

… too needy, too loud, too opinionated, too demanding, too happy, too sad, too large, too emotional, too expressive, too whatever. So you learned to shrink yourself in countless ways, to disappear or somehow deny your true full expression as a woman.

Which only always then makes you somehow not enough.

It’s tragic. You can’t win. So why not stop trying?

Please hear this:

You do not serve a man by shrinking yourself to fit inside his limited capacity to love you.

You cannot scare off a man – or anyone – who is genuinely ready to learn how to love all of you.

You’re perfect as you are.

Which doesn’t mean you don’t have your own inner work to do. Of course you do, we all, men and woman, act unskillfully out of fear and old false-self limiting beliefs that just push love away.

But never forget that you’re here to express the FULLNESS of you, moment by moment, from your agony to your ecstasy.

If you really are too much for someone – and you will know because they’ll be constantly fighting to shrink you into something they can understand and manage or they’ll just keep running away – then you do not serve that someone by shrinking yourself just to keep them close.

Anyway, why would you want to be with someone who keeps showing you they aren’t at least willing to learn how to love you?

You aren’t here to just be easy to put up with.

A man truly worthy of your heart is one who is willing to show up and fight whatever dragons arise inside him that disconnect him from his heart and prevent him from offering his love.

Look, none of us have been taught how to love. Actually, we’ve been taught the opposite; we’ve been taught that logic and reason – but only our own – should take priority over emotions and feelings which are just obstacles to progress and productivity, which is why we dismiss you when you don’t act the way we want you to (which is only almost always).

It’s your willingness, your courage, to offer all of you, even the uncomfortable parts, that is our invitation to get out of our heads and drop into our hearts.

If a man is clearly committed to resisting the fullness of you, don’t suffer yourself till he figures it out. Let him resist and let him go. Letting him go just might be the wakeup call he needs to figure out he’s only here to learn how to love, anyway!

And if he is genuinely ready to love you, he’ll be willing to fight those fire-breathing dragons that guard the gates to his heart. For that’s the only way he can ever claim the massive treasures hidden inside yours.

We need you awake and alive and lit up in the fullness of you. Don’t shrink yourself just to get love. You didn’t come here to play small in love. You didn’t come here to enable others to play small in love, either.

You are humanity’s invitation back into heart.


[artwork credit: Robyn Chance]

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  • Beautifully written. I noticed this attitude (in the abusive family originally) to shut me down, then again in adulthood – I was called too demanding, too wild, too clever, too sexy , too lazy, too silent….all done by men. This makes sense to be dismissed by men when I don´t make sense to them. I know this from my father, grandfather and many men….sarcastic remarks, making fun of me, putting me down, manipulating me into a direction without telling me, disrespecting my own power of will and choice. I got the message ” if you shrink, I might love you”. It totally did not work (besides, I never shrank myself consciously). Great to have the knowledge to notice men what tricks they start to use when they are afraid. When I started to notice I repeated myself ” I love myself more than this guy”… will have to be my mantra, I cannot put my body, emotions, my mind, anything on peril by putting a masculine on a pedestal. The thing is that I don´t know how to “protect myself”, how to let go of the masculine that is not ready to love me the way I need….I feel pretty culpable, I often feel like I need to help the masculine to “make it”, but it made me sick (the masculine are fine, I am not).
    Maybe to learn to trust my body, my feminine intuition, my emotions and stick with it no matter what ?

  • Hi Bryan thank you so much for your beautiful words. I just had to let go of a relationship of 14 years because of selling myself short and trying to fit in the box he had configured for me. I’m going to share this post with all of my friends. Thank you for giving me hope that there are still some decent guys out there that are not afraid to encourage the women in their life to shine! Thanks again!

  • Reading your words is like taking in the most extravagant meal in a European city by the sea! YUM!!!!!

  • Thank you for this it affirms what God has been showing me would appreciate prayer as I think its time to let go and I have 5 small children so it is scary for me

  • I am not sure how I found this link, but so grateful I did. I listen to it every day now to remind me that leaving the man I loved, because he was not able to understand my authenticity and needed me to fit into his “stressfree box,” was the absolute best decision for me to be able to move forward to find the extraordinary love I am seeking. Thank you, thank you ❤️

  • Thank you so much for this article. It validated so many feelings I still have after a painful and unresolved break up. The relationship ended because I tried to establish a boundary. It was a newly committed relationship with lots of potential and love. I was truly happy and wanted to share my life with this man. He told me we were going to have a future, etc… Then something happened and it appeared that he wasn’t being honest with me about something important. I had two choices…either speak up or remain silent. I chose to speak up and now I’m single. When I questioned him and needed reassurance, he became angry and hostile. He called me” “juvenile” and said I wasn’t ready for a relationship. Way to deflect… I was merely standing up for myself and being strong, but he wouldn’t tolerate it. The fact that he resorted to name calling must have been his attempt to shame me back into submission. He then gave me the silent treatment for several days as further punishment. Obviously the relationship needed to end because I can’t be with someone who doesn’t even validate my feelings whether right or wrong. I am more than willing to fight for what matters, but trust and communication are non-negotiables. There is nothing worse than when someone you love just minimizes your feelings when you are simply trying to be true to yourself. It is horrible. So if being “too strong” scares a man away, then he must not be the right man. Thank you for helping me realize it!

  • This is EVERYTHING. Thank you for these words that express the feminine heart with clarity, accuracy and beauty–amazingly spot on.
    Every Woman

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