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(note: this happens in all relationships, straight or otherwise. It’s actually a masculine-feminine dynamic, not a man-woman dynamic.)
I’ve discovered a tragic cycle in intimacy:
WOMAN routinely lets man know he’s “not enough” (doesn’t feel enough; not emotional enough; not expressive enough; often combined with he can’t get it/do it right).
Having no idea how to please her, he gives up, shrinks his hobbled feelings even more until he shuts down altogether.
Relationship over.
On the flip side …
MAN often tells woman she’s “too much” (too expressive, too emotional, too unpredictable, too whatever …) so she learns to shrink herself hoping that will make him love her, until eventually, tragically, she also becomes “not enough” (for him OR herself).
Relationship over.
Here’s an idea to end the insanity:
WOMAN, give the man space to feel however he feels (or doesn’t feel). Don’t blame or leave him because you’re frustrated he doesn’t know how to touch his feelings. He’s been taught since he was a boy not to touch those things, except with the little pole between his legs.
I know it’s hard for you when he doesn’t feel like you feel, but feeling is your feminine mastery, not his. Of course he’s capable, it just ain’t his primary nature and he’s not as practiced as you. But you can lead the way for him into discovery of his own feelings, NOT by admonishing him for not being as “good at feeling” as you are, but by honoring your own feelings fully, offering them to the relationship honestly WHILE also reassuring him repeatedly that he’s fully free to feel whatever he feels, too (or doesn’t feel).
MAN, stop telling her she’s too much for you (or the world). … Yes, I know she often is too much for your more still nature. She knows she often is, too. But do your damn best to love her as she colors your relationship with all the expressive flavors of her wild heart. That’s what attracted you to her in the first place. Don’t tell her to squash it now that she’s in your presence all the time! Don’t make her more masculine like you!! She’s not your roommate or your buddy. She’s your woman!!
Let her decorate your life with whatever sparkly, capricious, confounding ways delight her. And reassure her repeatedly that you love the unending mystery of her, even when it frustrates the hell out of you … because if you’re loving her right, she WILL frustrate your mind right INTO HEAVEN!
In the end, I believe the best any of us can ever hope for is a partner who’s simply willing to keep showing up, who’s willing to learn how to do this wild dance of opposites with at least a little more grace and tenderness and flow and laughter and love than we experienced yesterday.
Doesn’t that sound amazing?
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P.S. DOWNLOAD “LOVE SEX RELATIONSHIP MAGIC“ … an enlightening 10-hour audio program by Bryan Reeves to help you create the exquisite intimate relationship you deserve. CLICK FOR “LOVE SEX RELATIONSHIP MAGIC“
Photo credit: WolfS♡ul via Visualhunt.com / CC BY-NC-ND
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Thank you, Bryan, for this help ! It makes sense to me. I had been accused to be “too much” -in the men world (father, grandfather….male therapist…romantic relationship). Too clever, too sexy, too lazy, too sensitive, too ambitious, too fast, too slow, too stupid, too demanding (want a present from a father)…..
I get it: a man that “abuses” says to the feminine: You are too much.
I am learning that women had to shut down their voice and stopped telling the truth (to men) in order not to become too much. I hate to be treated as too much. I hate to need to shrink myself.
I am relearning being me (and pay attention to those who want to put me down). I became more masculine…in the presence of men (I had to take care for myself, I had to do it all on my own…and was laughed when I wanted help.
It is truly painful, the abuse that came from men. Lots of shame being put on me by the wrong men.
I would really love to move into the area to see that these wrong men are not good enough for me (unfortunately, I felt not good enough for myself).
Hi Bryan,
it is a GREAT Idea! thank you.
As usual I’ve felt a nerve twinge and it feels like I’m afraid of allowing ‘space’ or too much space because it feels like he will discover someone else is more to his liking than me…but I also am in a place where I realize that allowing space for him to feel whatever he does …’or doesn’t’ feel needs to be ok too. He truly was not encouraged to feel anything growing up military.
At least it moves us to a real space where we both can feel free to do whatever we need to do to be happy.
Its a fear of losing what I think we have, when it feels like I have to face the fear to know if we have anything at all.
And you hit it right on the head- he says I’m like a man but he makes me feel masculine by not stepping up. I feel like his roommate or buddy instead of his wife. I don’t like where we are. I want this cycle to stop. so thank you, I feel encouraged to try this.
Thank you for this great insight. I wish that I had been taught many of the concepts I’ve read the last few days in your blog. It may have saved my first marriage…maybe not but it certainly would have given me better tools to work with. I hope that it will lead time helping me in future relationships.
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