The One Thing Women Are Most Afraid of in Men (It’s Not Aggression)

July 24, 2014



I used to think women were only afraid of aggression in men, in all its forms: anger, rage, physical violence, verbal abuse, sexual aggression, rape.

I grew up with all kinds of conflicting social messages about the wrongs (and subtle rights) of violence against women. With three sisters and two mothers (married to my two fathers), I learned early there was something inherently special about women, that they were different from men not just in body parts, but in essence. I knew they should be protected and respected.

In addition to the daily masculine aggression towards women that I encountered outside my home, I also witnessed an explosive masculine anger inside my home that horrified me and my sisters. Seeing my tiny, frightened sisters routinely recoil in the face of an awful masculine rage only reinforced my ideas about a woman’s singular fear.

I learned to loathe the thought of making a woman feel unsafe in my presence. I wanted to make women feel good, to like me, and I had seen how aggression made them not feel good, how it made them hate a man.

So I did my best to never express aggression with a woman.

Even sexually. I shut down sexually towards women for fear that my desire would be interpreted by them as aggression. Throughout my dating life and well into relationships, until I was 100% certain a woman welcomed a next step with me, I would not proceed with a next step. A woman had to practically stick her tongue down my throat before I understood that kissing her was welcome.

I castrated myself in countless ways to protect women from any hint of masculine aggression in me.

I often practiced what I believed was the most certain way to make a woman feel safe:

I made myself invisible to her.

Whether that meant backing down, staying out of her way, leaving the room, or simply pretending I didn’t want to passionately devour her when I so desperately did, I made myself as non-threatening in a woman’s presence as I could position myself to be.

I taught myself how to disappear. To save her from what I thought was her primal fear of my aggression.

But here’s what was really happening.

In the last few years I’ve discovered something women fear even more in men than mere aggression. It’s something far more common in our everyday world. Something us men even fear in ourselves, though most aren’t even conscious we’re doing it.

A feminine woman is most afraid of her masculine man disappearing.

She’s afraid of him failing to show up for her. Not stepping up. Walking out. Not staying strong and present, particularly when things get a little crazy and confusing.

A woman’s deepest desire is to be cherished.

When a man leaves, even just emotionally if not physically, she is left completely un-cherished.

Aggression is simply the extreme expression of a man not cherishing a woman.

I checked out for years when my women got too emotional for me, especially when they were angry. I thought if they just saw things differently – if they saw things like I see them – everything would be fine. So I tried like mad to convince their minds to shift. Which rarely worked. They weren’t waiting to have their intellects adjusted. So I would constantly give up and run, even when I stayed in the room.

If she fought me long enough, eventually I fought back. A feminine woman can’t out-masculine me. I will win that battle. And I did. Every time. But I really only ever lost. So did she. Heartbreaking how blind I was to what was actually going on.

I realize now she was simply screaming out her fear, desperate for me to step up strong and claim her heart, to let her know without a doubt that I’m here, not going anywhere, that she’s safe in my love, to simply reassure her deeply that I got her and won’t let anything bad happen to her … like only a healthy masculine man could reassure her.

Women weren’t just afraid of my aggression. They were afraid of my leaving, which ironically I was doing in countless ways often to avoid my own innate aggression which scared me, too.

Had I known this deeper truth, I likely would have married my last girlfriend. Instead, I labeled her immature and mean, and I ran in every direction. I couldn’t stand in the illusory fire of her pain – a pain largely caused by masculine abandonment in her past. I was so triggered by her pain, so caught up in my own, that I couldn’t reassure her that I loved her and would hold her safe as she learned to trust again. I lost the woman I loved most in my life because I could’t see what was really happening; what she was really asking of me.

She was asking me to step up and fight for her heart.

Fight what? Fight myself. Fight my desire to run. To check out. To disappear. She was begging me to be aggressive with my own inner demons, and perhaps hers, too, in the battle for her sacred feminine heart.

But I lost that battle. She’s married to another man now.

Oh what fine messes of hearts I helped create over the years. I didn’t know. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I see now. I’m growing up. I’m a Man. Eager to share what I’ve learned through so much pain, with other men who don’t yet see, but who are ready to.

I’m finally ready to step up and fight for a woman’s heart.


P.S. Download “Love, Sex, Relationship Magic … an empowering audio course to help you create an extraordinary relationship.

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  • So so so true, women need and want to feel secure and men can do that by showing up consistently being reliable and remaining present emotionally. I so love reading your posts! Your blog is really helping me soften my heart and further prepare for my spiritual partner and mate. I know I don’t know you intimately but I feel that your words are sincere. Just when I feel like it may not happen for me I read your words and hope returns. Yes there is a spiritually grounded man that does actually exist and is seeking me as I him.

    • I’m honored that these words serve you this way, Shanda. Good men are waking up. It’s happening. Do you know what Maya Angelou said about a woman’s heart??

      “A woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.”

      Take God to mean spirit, universe, wisdom, beauty … whatever. Point is, only a worthy man deserves your heart. I know that means you gotta be patient, wading through all the unworthy ones, but the wait is surely worth it. (I’m talking to myself, too, that I may be more and more a worthy man for an exquisite woman).

      • Wow Bryan. Not only was this article very powerful (and wonderfully written), but your reply to Shanda just caused something very important to click in place for me. Thank you.

  • Incredibly well said. Here is another man that is ready to stand up and let a woman know that no matter what I will always be there to lover her and keep her safe.

    • I see your are a former AF Captain. Did you back up your female troops? Did you believe them when they spoke of being raped, hurt, shamed and put into danger? If you say yes, you must have never been stationed at any of the 5 bases I was stationed at, during a twelve year stint. When, I got out, with an honorable discharge, I felt like I was escaping from a bad marriage. A very bad marriage.
      And, now my son, is a career AF. Life is funny. And, he is still the loveliest funny fellow I know.

  • Mmmm.. Interesting insights, but I’m lost with the aggression bit.

    You say, “Aggression is simply the extreme expression of a man not cherishing a woman.”

    – I’d say it’s carelessness. A recklessly careless person will not cherish a loved partner. One could say it’s a form of aggression – but I feel it’s hollow. It needs intent. However, reckless, careless individual would not have an intent to be aggressive. Otherwise, you would say a complacent person is aggressive. It’s a contradiction. Please someone help me out 😀

    • Hi Ant. I don’t want to get too caught up in semantics details. I’m simply suggesting that when a man is intentionally aggressive, we could think of that as an extreme form of failing to cherish another.

      Whereas “cherishing” is an active passionate caring for another on one side of a scale, indifference (carelessness?) feels like a neutral point on that same scale, and aggression feels to me like the opposite extreme from cherishing. But again, I think it’s just a question of semantics really.

  • Captain Reeves, I salute you. (As a former Army Captain I am qualified to offer said salute) You seem to have, and are, earning it, even if it was the hard way….as if there is any other way. 🙂 Strength in numbers is right, sign me up my brother. If there are any ideas that can save the world from ourselves, it will be the ones that conquer the space between us, which will allow us to work together way better than we do now, both interpersonally, as well as intercontinentally.

    • Thank you, David. Always love hearing from a fellow former soldier in the context of what I’m exploring these days. It’s exciting to see more and more that the immature masculinity we’ve been marinating in is evolving into a more mature, robust and deliciously vibrant expression of itself … and that unfolding reality is underscored whenever a fellow military veteran reaches out and shares his insights on this conversation. I salut you right back, David.

  • Can you please clarify what you mean by “subtle rights” here?

    “I grew up with all kinds of conflicting social messages about the wrongs (and subtle rights) of violence against women.”

    How can violence against women (or men) have “subtle rights”?

    Also, I’m going to assume this article isn’t about males like me. I’m a survivor of child sex abuse and incest, bisexual, poly, and more like 60/40 on the feminine/masculine scale; but I am terrified of my own aggression. This almost sounds to me like I can’t be a woman’s man because maybe only really masculine men can do that? I’m not alone, though. I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend and we all co-exist and they adore each other, too. My partners are very masculine and feminine, I suppose, though my girlfriend is more like a “girly tomboy”… I don’t really grasp all the New Age buzzwords. But I can’t understand some of this and hoped you could clarify. Thanks.

    • by “subtle rights” what I mean is simply that I got tons of subtle messages from the world around me telling me it was actually ok to abuse women … if not physically then at least I had the right to be abusive towards woman with my attitude and beliefs about them. That’s what I mean by “subtle rights.”

      Why are you terrified of your own aggression? … and after reading my article, did it not give you any more clarity on a new way to relate to your innate aggression? (we all have it; it’s a question of how we wield it, and from what place inside us we allow it to erupt).

      • As an incest CSA survivor, my aggression shows up mostly as anger that mixed with frustration can come out as rage. I can’t scream at my abusers, can’t even find them, and I don’t want to scream at my loved ones, but sometimes it happens. I’m in therapy.

        I can see that you are a good writer (I write too, so I can tell) but this and the other article I read here are, as you have said, written from the point of view of a predominantly masculine man. I’m not one of those. Also, you said “a woman’s greatest fear is her masculine man disappearing”. I’m not a “masculine man”, so I guess this particular article doesn’t apply to me. I guess I should look around a bit more here, because I do like your writing style and your open inclusivity. Plus, finding articles that seem to celebrate being male without being marinated in misogyny is a refreshing change online.

        Thank you for your response and for clarifying and answering my question. That made sense.

        • One other thing to consider is that since we all have access to the complete range of masculine and feminine expressions of being, that perhaps some of what you read here might speak to the part of you that is masculine and there might be something meaningful for you there, nonetheless.

          Or you might dive more into the feminine perspectives of what I’m addressing and see what’s meaningful for you there that might be enlightening.

          Although I use man-woman language a lot (it’s just more accessible and useful to most people), what I’m ultimately pointing at in my writing is beyond gender.

          Anyway I hope that is helpful. I really appreciate your commenting and reminding us all of the endless possibilities, subtleties and nuances inevitable on our explorations deep into truth.

  • Such a great post, and SO true. Having been on the receiving end of both, I think the ‘disappearing’ is actually harder to take and way harder to heal than the physical. And when you experience the disappearing over and over in different relationships, it kinda makes you want to just back away completely, throw your hands up and say ‘I give.’

    I can only truly speak for myself, but I would guess that this is why so many women feel we have to be strong and be able to take care of ourselves without needing to rely on a man (or on anyone, for that matter), and end up suppressing our own femininity in the process.

    All of this to say, thanks for your post; it’s nice to see when a guy ‘gets it’. I found your blog through another blog that I’ve followed for awhile, and I’ve been devouring it ever since. Love your words, and keep up the great work on your journey 🙂

    • Hi Candace thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. Yeah I think this is an important insight for men and women both to understand. It sure has changed my way of relating to women completely. I know now that my thrill is hanging in there even when things get abut crazy for me. Checking out in the face of challenging women was a clever, though ignorant, way of avoiding stepping deeper into my own manhood. …… So don’t give up! We’re waking up 🙂 with love, Bryan

  • Before reading this, I listed my top fear in my head. You know, for comparison. Yep, top fear… Him not showing up. Not physically, but just like you said, not dependable, emotionally unavailable. Thank you, I’ve enjoyed your work.

  • Hi Bryan,

    I don’t even know where to begin. I can hear your voice in my head as I read this post. So true what you are saying. I have had men disappear on me, some for reasons unknown. In a sad way, I’m used to it. The last guy I was talking to years ago, pretended to be single just to be intimate with me in some way. I felt betrayed. I kissed this guy, let him touch me, that to me is intimate. And all the while he was married, I wasn’t surprised when he disappeared and then tried to explain why. He didn’t know what was going on in his marriage but wanted to keep me as an option, I had no clue, i thought we were going to be friends since I met him a long time ago but only knew him briefly, He saw it as a second chance to get the girl he wanted, he wanted to control the outcome only it blew up in his face. I can see why he was trying to move so fast and attempted to want to sleep with me. Then break dates and never show up. Anytime a woman needed or wanted him or vice versa he would disappear and sonly wanted to show up, if there was sex involved or some other type of sex. I thank god I never ended up with this guy when I met him over 12 years ago. Theres was a reason why. not only that, he had kids by 3 different women and wanted me to be next. After spending 2 hours with this guy, he was planning our future, only thing is. I had no clue. lol.. CRAZY!

    My ex that whom I was with for years. When he failed to show up, I saw it as normal because my father was never there for my mother or his children. He felt if a woman loved a man, she should prove it in everyday. He felt it was her job to provide and take care of the house. Only thing both my parents did not work. I watched my mother be abused and tortured and provide for a family of 7 on a $20 a week budget, we ate once a day after school. While this man who was suppose to be a my father, just laid on his ass and didn’t do shit because he refuse to show up for himself, his wife and kids and just con his way through life. If people only knew, what was going on behind closed doors. I never looked to a man to do much for me, money, etc.. because I’ve been doing things on my own since I was 14. When I would talk to a guy, if they disappeared it was no big deal to me. I would keep them at a distance, never fully interacting with them.. I have no clue if I passed up a good guy or not… I just know I do not want to make the same mistakes and take care of a man, when I want a man to take care of me too and to give and love wholeheartedly the way I do. I’m slowly but surely being open to men and not looking at them, as just creatures who just want to have sex and cheat and leave. My heart and mind body and spirit has been guarded for years, only because I will not settle. I know that men can be providers, leaders, loving and caring but the universe has yet to bless me with that type of man. All in due timing!

  • my masculine man started pulling away because he became fearful of needing to ‘fix’ things. fix the distance between us. i live in one city he lives in another 2hr plane flight. all in 8 months. We had the deepest Love, respect, kindness, laughter, ease with each other that it blew us both away in extra happiness. I was just so happy to focus on all the amazing good things we have together and figured after a year of dating then find a way to be together that was going to work harmoniously for both of us. Sadly his fear is in changing his plans though he said he never had any. i and my child would have to move to his city and for next 2 1/2 years its not possible with schooling. so he pulled away with his monkey mind while his heart told him to hang on. I picked up on the loudness of his head and what it wants to do and his unhappiness. Its scary when a man doesn’t know what they want. well he does but its not happening for him straight away. So he chose his head over his heart. Or fear over deep love. Its definitely a tragedy yet all i can do is walk away and keep my sad heart open. I thank him for opening my heart up, trusting a man again in 8 months, after 5-6 years on my own raising my daughter. I just wished he’d been open to form a mutual goal/plan/future. I’m 43 and he’s 47. I’m very feminine yet empowered enough to know when to walk away from someone who’s not able to go any deeper out of fear. His words ‘I wished I could trust Love enough but i can’t shut my mind up wanting to fix the distance straight away’… i wish ever so much he would step up, wake up, trust his heart, and trust Us. Its the most beautiful kind loving laughing happy relationship I’ve ever had where we just connected and it was easy, peaceful, contented, gentle. we love each other very much. Its just so sad.

    • Hi Mouse, that is a very touching story. I recognize a lot in it: When I was 46 i met a man that lived one hour drive from my city. He clearly had some kind of fear to surrender to our love. He kept some kind of distance.
      Two times I decided, enough is enough and I broke up. But for some reason we couldn’t cut the contact permanently,se we got back together again, every time going deeper into what we have and growing together and towards each other.
      Then one day he carried out his plan to go back to his country of origin because his work in my country was done. He had been an expat for years and now he had reached his pension, going back would be of more benefit.
      Unfortunately he never really discussed it with me, and he was very much confused about everything going on in his life.

      Just before he moved back we had a trip together in his country of origin, and we were only growing towards each other, so imagine the feeling of hopelessness I had.

      Then after the trip he moved back to his country. After a few weeks he visited me by car (1000 km distance) , and we had a wonderful two weeks together. It seemed that he took a lot of effort to see me and from this time on he regularly contacted me until this day. he is understanding and there for me, whenever it is possible in this long distance relationship. We facetime a lot, and I can see he is really changing and feeling less confused and more in peace.
      We see each other like every 1,5 month, 2 months until now. Its kind of acceptable to me at the moment because I don’t want to necessarily live with him but of course this distance is not feeling right. we talked about it and he asked me if I could come to his country and live in the same city. Which means I would have to bring my kid that still needs 3 years of education and we would have to adapt to his situation.
      On one hand we are progressing, on the other I have moments that I cry a lot. Emotionally he is there for me by all modern media technology, but physically there is no one there when I want to share a walk in the sunshine or when I need a shoulder to cry on. Or branches to be cut off the tree in the garden. When I cry about this, I tell myself I made this decision to keep this relationship and I should accept the consequences of my choice. And underneath there is woman that feels abandoned by her man.
      As I can read in your story, you feel you have a wonderful relationship with this man, I have the same feeling too, but is it really wonderful if someone is not making a physical move towards you? Expecting you and child to make a huge move towards him? What does that have to do with love?

      I don’t want to put myself in a victim’s role, but I also don’t know exactly what to do. At this moment, time will tell, I guess.

    • I theorize that most relationships fall apart because both parties are to blame (unless abuse is involved, then only one party’s really to blame there).

    • A missed marriage you had and you still try to give advices and avoid responsability. I think having a child from another is not something any sane man will want to join
      So basically you bring a tons of baggages, a child, another man in the picture, and ask a man to man up. Some women really need therapy to understand that it s not attractive to be a single mother. It reflects your choices, and immaturity. No man want to join this mess

  • Thanks for your honest contribution. Curious, are you in a relationship now? I read this post and hear this pleading as if you were the victimizer. You and your woman both co-created whatever drama was going on as a mutual escape plan from confronting the shadow that comes up in intimacy. There is a large degree of bs relationship advice that makes men out to be the “bad guy” when in fact it’s all subconscious co-dependence — which includes hiding out in the victim / victimizer / hero roles… She might be married to another guy and in another co-dependent relationship dynamic that will blow up in a couple years when they hit the intimacy wall. We don’t get to leave our patterns behind when we leave relationships, we bring them with us. The only real reason (generally) to leave a relationship, if you are a person focused on growth, is if it’s physically abusive.

    • I had a 15 year relationship breakup a year and a half ago and it is very complicated because we both work together as dance teachers and are still popular in our area of the Bay Area. Many things went wrong like this including his behavior sounds a lot like this article. Though it is very bitter now and I took a very angry right at the end I know that I did everything I could accept leave sooner when I realized that he was not committed in the same way. I hung in there lowered myself did all kinds of fancy tricks to make it work. And now I realize that I was only hurting myself and lost myself insert and hope of a man that was never to appear. On his part I can say that he came from a broken background a poor and someone unforgiving world. He is very charming and still to this day uses that charm to lower and students but he has just become a character. He already had a younger best buddy waiting for him after 15 years with me and did not give me any sort of financial assistance after letting me go from working with him after 8 years because of our relationship breakup. Two days later my aunt who was 96 was murdered while I was on the phone with her by my cousin who is crazy. Do you think my ex did anything for me accept send a text saying sorry to hear… 2 months after the break up I tried to make some resolution with him and clear up some responsibilities pets he did not hear me and did not comply with anything. I told him that we had the same issue that we were both not loved by the men in our lives when we were younger and we’re looking for one to fulfill that. I guess we just believed in an idea of each other that was not there. I have always been very go getter and extremely creative even worked at Microsoft and while that happened the we agreed to the distance he started emotionally cheating on me and eventually did break up or separate and cheat on me with his old dance partner because I could not be around enough to give him sexual happiness or give him the confidence he needed I suppose to be on his own. If you all had 4 hours I could write a lot more but I will just say that this article really helped me

    • Another reason, I’d have to add, is alcoholism or addiction, but I agree for the most part. Also, I think that if we’re capable of self examination, we might take the lessons of a previous relationship and apply them to a future relationship. Thanks for your insight.

  • Hi Shae … I just wanted to thank you and acknowledge your comment. I really do appreciate it. And yes, I do have perspective on what women can do to support men’s healing: STAY IN YOUR HEART. The masculine energy inside us is ACHING to serve Love. We mostly don’t know it, but that’s what we’re aching for: a woman strong enough to avoid succumbing to her own ego and fear, strong enough to stay in her heart and LOVE the hell out of the world (literally).

  • “A woman’s deepest desire is to be cherished.” Oh, thank you, thank you!!! SPOT ON, at least for me! This is something I wish all men truly knew and understood. To cherish someone is so special…so sacred. It is more than attraction, more than lust, more than enjoying someone’s company. To truly cherish someone is to want to protect her, and to respect her integrity and need for emotional security.

    • I don’t understand. Whenever I talk to girls, I cherish them…as friends. Not romantic partners. Yet, they always seem to run away from me. Specifically women who are single. Every. Time.

    • Being cherished must be earned. No reasonable adult would cherish another adult who has yet to show their worthiness. Only newborns get that pass, and sometimes not even.

      • Just for my own understanding, so if nobody cherishes the other first because it must be earned, how could either of them ever cherish each other?

        • This is why something that used to be known as ‘dating’ existed, to determine what expectations regarding points of intimacy, common values, etc. between two individuals were. “Cherishing” someone doesn’t come in any sort of immediacy, it comes from experience, relationship, and trust, and that is earned. The point is that there is a starting point that indicates: YOU are someone I will take a risk on because I believe that I can find a meaningful a experience, an intimate relationship, a foundational trust. That is why ‘being cherished must be earned.’

  • Bryan I
    After reading this article. I literally had tears in my eyes. This article has made me realize just how much pain I am holding inside, and how by me holding that pain, it has affected two marriages, and my current relationship. I know that I still have a long way to go in finding absolute happiness, but after watching your videos, I have the path laid out before me towards love. There is still a lot of obstacles that I must overcome, but I now know what I have to do. Thank you so much for what you do.

  • Nice article and good insights. More to think about…cherished but not owned. Fight for her, stand by her, stand up for her, but don’t try to take away her freedom or diminish her in any way. It is so important not to place limits on a woman’s freedom, her social life with friends and family, her creativity, or her dreams. That is where you step out of the way and become her cheerleader.

  • I would only add that if they (men) give that presence, if they make us trust again, we (women) will give it back by nurturing their hearts untill they become whole 🙂

  • Hi Bryan

    The roots of your story are almost 100% the same as mine. Very brave of you to share your story.
    Please allow me to be frank for a moment though. In my opinion you seem to have swapped one misconception for another. In the second part of your story you talk about that a woman wants to be reassured and held safe and you hint that this is the true task of a man. I believe this is still your inner child wanting to help its mother. I still see a boy putting his mother’s needs above his own. And believe me: it takes one to know one.
    Don’t misunderstand me though. I’m all for respect, help, love and cherishing. It just depends on what ‘place’ it comes from.

    I see you help others with what you’ve learned so I thought it would be okay if I did the same.

    With love and respect,


    • Hi Jorgo,
      I was thinking about the same thing: where is the healthy boundary between taking care of your partner and behaving like a child or a parent in a ‘needy’ relationship… But the more I read and feel about this, I think there is a natural flow between men and women, and the flow is a bit different from men to women than women to men. One beautiful principle I found in Vedic Astrology is that the man is the do-er and the giver, the woman provides the spirituality and the love. Of course its not that black and white, but it shows in a way the natural flow of energy between women and men. What I experienced in relationships is that man wants to DO things for woman. If woman feels she is taken care of, she feels cherished and naturally provides the man with her love and care. Maybe it’s just nature. By the way: I am not promoting unequal relationships, that’s not the point.

      • Lisa the single mother is giving advices to men ????
        You had your chance, you f**** up a man and a family..
        Now astrology ..
        Disaster. Go therapy

  • There’s a lot of this that’s accurate, a lot that’s vague, and a lot that’s unsaid… in part because it focuses on only one half of the equation, and that’s the half that guys can control.

    You point out a real need here, but you don’t address both the aspects on capability in the moment, nor exactly how to address the need as a whole.

    For guys, the level of stress that’s involved can, and often is, absolutely staggering, when it comes to navigating those “Imaginary Fires” talked about in this article. I currently have a bunch of stress that involves all that’s talked about here, and more… so I guess what I’m asking is this:

    Will this become a series, and are uou prepared to help other guys address what you touch on here?

    • No doubt. You’re right there is so much more here to explore and discuss … and certainly women have their work to do, as well. For they, too, can be hijacked by fear and ego just as much as any man can. … Daniel, can I add your email to my blog subscription list? I will likely be announcing some programs for men soon, and I’d love to make sure you know about it. Your journey is mine, too, brother.

  • My god, Bryan. You bring tears to my eyes. What does a woman do when she can see this happening? Is a type of issue where we just need to move on as soon as we notice it (because the man needs to see this for himself)?

    • Sometimes the only way the man CAN see it is by your moving away from him. This is not an easy road we’re walking, any of us. Women have been my greatest teachers, though few of them were conscious of these dynamics either. We were all ignorant, and we all experienced so much pain as a result. I think the best a thoughtful woman can do, who can see these dynamics, is simply call them out and then see what happens, how your partner reacts. If you like what happens, keep going. If you don’t, then don’t.

    • I agree, Victoria. I want to weep at the current situation but the bitter tears turn into tears of hope seeing Bryan’s messages to men in order to help them heal.

  • I’m so glad I’m not crazy!!! It has taken the death of my father, an unhappy marriage, divorce, heartbreaking post divorce relationship breakup and uncovering along the way, severe emotional abandonment and trauma from my mother for me to stand fully in my truth! I call my divorce 2 years ago my “leap of faith” bc I could not deny my soul any longer the craving to be cherished, fought for, and prioritized. My ex, never said, “I got this”. He always said, “I don’t have time”, which I eventually filled in the blank with “for you”. I have realized I must and am claiming my awesomeness first. I’m full of child like whimsy and adult feminine energy. I am strong and can take care of myself, but I truly want a guy to fill that masculine role! Take the lead! Take a stand! Damn it!!????

    • I don’t understand: to my understanding every woman wants to be independent, yet, when I hear the stories of women such as yourself, your complaint is that you’re unable to depend on the man.

      • Hi Turk. This is a common misunderstanding. I feel compelled to answer this for you. The detail here is to try to avoid generalizing. Everyone is different and some women enjoy providing for themselves, feeling independent, etc. and prefer her partner (if any) to support/respect that desire of hers while showing up in the relationship in other ways that works for both of them (not that of financial support, for example. Maybe be there for her in case anything slips up or if she needs extra help, if she’s ok with that). A lot of the resistance towards men supporting women financially comes from distrust: distrust that they’ll leave in a whim and will have to pick up both the pieces of her heart and get her life together, or find another partner. There’s also other women that prefer to be receptive, stay in their feminine energy and let the man take charge of the relationship, finances, etc. while they (women) dedicate themselves to nurture themselves, the relationship or other interests they may have. Communication is important. There’s no 1 recipe that fits all. But I do believe that most heterosexual women want a stable man they can count on to support them in a way that fulfills them both. I hope that helps.

  • So basically you’ve come to the conclusion that a woman’s greatest fear is mating with a physically or socially weak male. Well no crap. It’s the psychological underpinning for all of the West’s current maladies with narcissism, hypergamy, low childbirth, the increase in spinsterhood, the increase in autism and the degradation of manhood in general. Females are enjoying a social perch in our current society that they are not designed to have. A nation that has too many males and too few healthy females lives on the edge of disintegration because this is a unhappy society for the males. The winner take all society combined with the arrogance of females in this new climate is a toxic brew ready to release all manner of demons on the elites.

    All the talk about women being afraid of dominant men is just smokescreen for the alpha, beta, omega hierarchy every PUA talk in existence that most other men have known for years.

  • I have yet to meet a women worthy of that level of commitment! You must be dating an immature girl. In todays misandry driven toxic society a man cannot be a man without some one having to bring him down, I refuse to pander to a women who thinks men are the problem.
    If a women picks ‘bad boy’ morons then thats her fault. If she rides the ‘c*ck carrousel’ of every thug and manchild she meets then she does not deserve to have a real man! Men ‘use’ logic, women ‘are’ emotional!
    Men have built the world we live in, women mearly exist in it! If a women is afraid of the man leaving then she needs to ‘step up’ and make sure he has a reason to stay!
    I find animals to be more loyal and honest then women.

    • May I remind you that there would be no men without women giving birth and raising them. A real man wouldn’t be spitting venom around like this or seeing the world so black and white. It sounds like you have some soul searching and growing up to do. You are clearly resentful and generalizing. Women don’t deserve it, and neither do men. You are only bringing yourself down with your words.

      • A lot of women want perfect men. I’ve been told I’m a catch. But I’m 62 and never married. What is wrong with women? I gave up on women years ago. As I said women want perfect men. I’m not perfect.

      • So, what? You think you have something real to offer? or that the modern woman does? This totally misses his point. No one argues that men AND women are required for reproduction, so can we PLEASE quit the (frankly) dishonest dialogue on that point?

        And, maybe a few minutes on tiktok would reveal the extent to which Mr. Finn is clearly correct.

    • this comment is absolutely humiliating and its so painfully obvious that it was written by a man, based purely on the fact that you seem to lack critical thinking skills.

  • This is what women advocated for, and this is what women got. So what if they’re scared?

    P.S. Feminists speak for all women.

    • With that attitude, one might also say, “So what if men are angry and feel disrespected?” … Definitely not a winning (or connecting) attitude.

  • Are women really that emotionally fragile? I mean, I can understand why a woman would be afraid of a man being aggressive, but afraid of them leaving them? For years I’ve struggled to talk to girls. I’ve even gone as far as watching Charisma On Command for help. The conclusion I’ve come to is that girls are just naturally afraid of guys, and if I want them to open up to just be friends with me, then I have to work really hard to assure them that I’m a safe person.

  • Let me bring up a point that nobody seems to even mention…….all I read about is how men arent fighting for women, how a woman wants to be cherished etc. Fair enough, but its 50/50. What no woman has said is how she will fight for a man? How she will cherish him. It seems to be one way traffic where women are expecting men to pursue them and “win” their hearts but what are women doing to pursue men and win their hearts?
    We’re all adults but yet women want seem to be incapable of navigating the world by themselves and instead look to men to do thr job of living for them. This idea of having men lead women…..c’mon, again, we’re all adults here and we are all capable of leading our own lives. We as men need to stop enabling women and require them to step up and take the lead in running their own lives. Thats a mature adult relationship, not a parent child dynamic.

    • You’re certainly not wrong, Eoin, but that’s for a different article. I personally find it empowering, as a man, to first take responsibility for the role I play in making a mess of things BEFORE insisting anyone/everyone else take responsibility for theirs.

      • It has everything to do with roles. What he says is the base problem. Women have options and hate them. Men have no options and hate women. It’s a fair-fair state-of-affairs, one that cannot be broken outside of systematic change. Nobody is taking responsibility other than the super-strong guys that women hate, because they don’t take them to Jamaica.

    • I don’t believe in 50/50 relationships … I believe in 100/100 relationships. A man owns 100% responsibility for the success of the relationship. And so does his partner.

      • That actually makes no sense whatsoever. Do the math, both come out to 1.

        Also, that’s the point–that both sides are putting in equal effort.

  • this is such a bad influence on the young boys who have to be exposed to this bias rhetoric. this sounds like it was written in a world where all women are Mary-Sues and men are bad for being men up until a woman says they’re not…. then she’ll find a reason you a bad man based on what man think she attractive. All of a sudden she magically doesn’t feel cherished. how convenient. I pray for the day when men wake up and realize they’re being manipulated on a mass scale, with funding behind it. If women are safe is there slavery of men justified? according to women, it is. And these the creatures yall think love you. smh this is why men kill themselves. they don’t want to live a lie in exchange for sex, the very sex they’re bad for wanting. bad for needing, and wrong for getting if the woman didn’t come out on top. then you’re wrong for being a man. but let you not be as much as the female would for status. then you’re wrong for not doing more. you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. it’s like women hate men and want them to suffer just for being men. they’re willing to turn the idea of a man being loving into full on slavery. they project their fears onto all men. acting like its a points based system they men have to survive, like men are only alive to do for women. if they refuse to they must deserve to die, am I right? of course no woman dare admit this thus potentially not being “cherished.” we have a society that cerebrally punishes men for being men, as if that’s what really turn women on. It’s freaking crazy! here’s the harsh cold truth: women need men to always value and love them because it’s nothing really lovable about them in reality. Not their attitudes, demeanor, or morals. Nothing but sex. Men not only make sex possible for women but so much more. so because of this fact and how it doesn’t make women feel good about being women… Men have to suffer an oppressive society and be lied to and exploited at every level. All because “big bad man wrong for being big and stronger than , pretty, loving woman.” Bad men, shame on you, being born a certain way that can be seen as more useful than what a woman can do. sex worshipping calls for society to lie to women to keep them sexually active. I wonder if anybody else can see that being more gynocentric is what’s going to make men not want to be sexually active. I guess that doesn’t matter though right? so we claim to care about people we don’t mean males, do we? we mean women. so we say make a better world, we don’t mean for boys as well, do we? Are we really saying men are only here to serve women, only because of how the alternative makes women feel? Is that equal rights? Sounds like women are a privileged class simply because of what a male is compared to a woman. Being male is a crime and being female is a burden. So men should have to pay for that in some way, am i understanding that correctly? so the men you see out in the world on a daily, they dont have a right to live unless a woman is temporarily using them until another man wants to use her? & men should be okay with this because their alternative is prison or death for how they’re male? & that’s wrong cause of females and their lack of safety with males unless they control their freedom, mind, sexual preferences, & livelihoods? then its all good huh? Men should just have to live under that oppression cause they men aint they? they should accept being 2nd class citizens, cause it’s not right that women are number 2. Is that correct? At least some men will get sex access while the majority will die, but that’s nature huh. only try to change nature when it’s to benefit women… not everyone, nope just women. not even the children, smh just women huh. got to do what we got to do to keep women having babies on the plantation. Women have never had a problem with slavery, as long as they’re not the slaves of ugly men they don’t care apparently, meanwhile men can be fat shaming and wrong for that so that women may be able to date who they want. Talk about full exploitation of a oppressive system that doesn’t target you. Such a loving and caring creature that is. That’s your mothers and grandmas who believe in this and benefit from it, while you can only hope to survive it. They meant to live while you for being male is meant to die. preferably after you’ve been used by a woman for a status symbol that says “help me do another man like that”. lower your standards, ignore the obvious, lie to yourself, accept your oppression for being a male…. Or else “No pussy for you!” So sad the lengths these adult children go to. Hey fellas, can you feel their love for you. don’t they seem like they’re on your side? smh I really wonder, am I the only one that sees that women want to freely do all the crap they would never want done to them, to men?

    • This isn’t my experience. As I’ve learned to take responsibility for my life, for my choices, both good and awful, I’ve felt more and more empowered, and powerful … AS A MAN. A man with Brains AND Balls connected to a massive HEART. Until you find connection with your HEART, you’ll find someone outside you to blame for the discomfort of your disconnect, which keeps you a victim. By believing yourself a “victim” you keep yourself a victim. You don’t climb out of victimhood by oppressing or disempowering others. You climb out of victimhood by deciding to stop making others responsible for your experience in life.

  • Cherish…the way you favor a soft blancket or a bright shiny new car….no thanks. As a woman I’ve known male outward and micro aggression all my life. Im use to it, I’ve come to expect it. To possess no innate value or worth other than your ornamental beauty or obedience or what your capacity is to serve. Ive always been let down. Afraid to trust but like alot of women ignore my instincts and better judgment. I hang on I cling I beg do anything to get someone to like me… Id rather be alone. Its safer that way. Id rather hold still and be quiet so I can stay alive. Being loved isnt worth it if it means hes going to scream and demean and manipulate and harass beat at me.Ill have hatred for any one who trys to dominate me…id rather own guns and knives, grow claws and venemous fangs Ill sing songs about the joyess fearless furious spirit growing inside me. Ill travel the world with the sun on my breasts and the moon at my back and my shadow for my only company than to give up my faithful heart to be kept at best as a cherished pet. I may be a thing that outlives its usefulness when it hits menopause and it’s eggs dry up but I dont have to live like one. Im a woman, by the demands of every god in every age that means I was born as less than even a castrated male. A cast off bone made into flesh to serve a purpose nothing more. The author is right I can’t beat a masculine male. I dont have the power, I lack the strength I am a woman thus I can never be a mans equal. Ive made peace with that. I choose instead to be willfull, quick and cunning and dance in feilds of dreams. Ill live in the wilds happily and refuse any collar of any would be master. No matter how pretty and beguiling a creature man can be.

  • You are completely bailing women out while leaving yourself no room. If a woman is afraid of you leaving her, she can SAY so instead of screaming. This is called HEALTHY relationship. You don’t need to rescue her due to her lack of ability to communicate. Watch drama triangles by Dr. Karpman.

    • Kind of you to say … well, the heart of me lives in the heart of men everywhere. It’s just that most men haven’t done the work to uncover it yet. So look for a man who’s willing to do the “inner” work.

  • It is illegal to “step up and fight for her heart”!.
    So if that is the case that women need men to break laws for them, then, that is simply not very clever now is it?
    Biology is true and laws are arbitrary and gay. So it is a lose lose, unless the man has absolute power. And they wonder where hunger for power and hate for women comes from. As I have experienced it, there is no way for a woman to fully appreciate a law abiding man and she is probably too afraid to fully appreciate an all powerful man, whom probably she has to share, whom has complete power over her life. What a confusion I say.

    • You can fight for a woman’s heart without breaking any laws. Though if you haven’t figured out how to do that yet, then just keep reading through this website and listening to the podcasts.

  • There aren’t many emotional wounds to men other than that from with their parent(s), and not being able to experiment properly in their youths. Women do not come close to having bearing on men like they think. There’s no behavior that can change the extreme boredom we’ve had to endure. The monotony of women-catch-up, men-should-be-broken-down, every-option-to-female, no-option-for-man, repeat over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. This redundancy is 100 percent unforgivable. The thought is simple….skip these generations and grab a foster child because they lag too far behind.


    It’s cultural, genetic, and age lags. Women hate change. It must be forced by a group of men less advantaged and suppressed by corps and peers who don’t care to begin with. There are more women than men, so women are not going to be even thinking about it.

    Isn’t going to happen. If they want a house, they will have to save for a down.

  • Since no woman could ever be attracted to me, I don’t approach anyone and never have. I don’t blame women – nobody can help who they are attracted to. No woman has ever shown interest in me other than as a friend, indicating that I am clearly fundamentally unattractive at a sexual level. I’m not about to do anything to show interest in any woman because it would 100% cause offence no matter what, when or how I do it.

  • Fight her & her ‘demons,’ to win her heart? See her through the fine message she create? You must be out of your f****** mind. If you love that type, you get her a counselor.

  • Thans you for sharing your insights and your experience!
    Yes you are right womanizers want to be cherished and able to surrender to their masculine man.

    I’d like just to add something. It might seem small but it makes a whole difference!

    Personally, and i think many wollen light feel the same, I do fear a man’s agression! Agression to me feels like a way to GET something from me, fearcefully submitting me… and don’t ask me why, then i feel major resistance! In my body and soul!

    Like you say though I crave a partner’s présence and Masculine STRENGTH!

    See the difference between aggression and strength?
    Aggression feels like fiercefully taking something from me.
    Strength feels like an invitation to feel free, to surrender and lean on him! Knowing he is there for me, whatever happens I’m safe!

    Feeling safe is so important!

  • Interesting post. I can confirm that I came to the same conclusions in all my relationships with women. I also agree with the author’s statements about men finding their heart. They want you to love them unconditionally, be there for them always, be generous and put them first always. You can be their hero.

    That said, I have to say – and it will be troubling for women to hear – why most men don’t cherish the woman as much as they would like:

    A woman’s needs from a man are quite demanding (time, money, fix things, solve conflicts, emotional support, shoulder to cry on, drama/gossip, dogs and cat insanity…) it is all exhausting and it causes resentment. After all that, we still have to tirelessly and repeatedly demonstrate commitment, loyalty, and devotion so that they can continuously feel fulfilled by the man.

    What are the man’s needs from a woman and what does she do to fulfill him? It is absolutely a one-sided deal. When we realize that she doesn’t deserve us, that’s when we pull out and stop cherishing. That is when all the “do you still love me” texts begin and at no point does she decide to cherish you or try to match your efforts.

    To the author, I am glad you learned to open your heart but one day you will learn to stop devoting it to ONE woman, and in turn devote it to yourself, to good friends, to children, to elderly. You’ll find so much that fulfills your heart by the good deeds that YOU can do with the talents and energy that you were given. I am there and I tell you that right now I am in heaven and I will never devote and cherish ONE woman except for my mother. I have never been more cherished and loved than I am now and it keeps me driven every day. Be wise with your heart and do as much you can to make the world a better place. You will see that you will be cherished by everyone EXCEPT a woman. Sorry for the burn ladies but it’s the truth. We’re all seeing it.

  • im a good looking very straight nice guy….im ready to give up on finding a willing nice women….they re all taken

  • You’re literally a faggot, and a lying faggot at that. You don’t know the first thing about relationships.

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