How Porn Ruined My Intimacy (048)

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When was the last time you watched porn?

Could porn be negatively affecting your sexuality?

Do you ever turn to, or prefer porn, over an actual partner?

Have you ever used porn to get turned on for a partner? (even if just in your imagination?)

If you ejaculate fast with a partner, or struggle to at all, could porn be to blame?

How do you know if quitting would help?

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Today I’m talking porn. 

I decided to do this episode now after talking to a few close friends of mine who shared that they’ve struggled to kick their porn habit, which became even more pronounced during their solo time in quarantine.

I get it. I believe the use porn for self-pleasure may be one of the most difficult issues a man may face in his lifetime, given the ubiquity of it, and given it can satisfy, at least psychologically, our biological need to ejaculate into another human. After all porn has literally become an endless stream of visually appealing sexual partners living in the very palm of our hands, ready to get down at a moment’s notice!

Which can have very real consequences for our relationships with the actual humans in our midst.

So we men need to talk about this. 

Women, if you’re listening, I only ask that you hold what you’re about to hear in this episode with compassion. Just know, this is a really challenging issue for a man, for all kinds of reasons. If you’re with a partner who’s using porn and you don’t like it, it’s helpful to find ways to talk about it, as partners, that aren’t merely directive or shaming or blaming, but that are still honoring of your experience, too. I know, so many women are negatively affected by their partner’s use of porn … and so often that partner won’t even acknowledge it.

If porn is a real problem in your relationship, I encourage you to get support, whether from a coach, or therapist, even someone who really specializes in this. 

Just know this: it doesn’t have to be diagnosed as an “addiction” for it to nonetheless be harmful to the relationship.

It’s important to me that you know I do not promote sexual shaming in any way, and I am not anti-porn. In this episode, I’m simply going to invite you to explore how online pornography might affect the experience and expression of your sexuality, and impact your relationship. 

Because for a time, in my late 30s and early 40s, it sure fucked up my sexuality, so to speak, and negatively affected my intimate relationships with women.

Back in 2014 I wrote a few blogs about my personal experience with pornography that were both wildly popular, and also controversial. Read by millions of people all over the world, republished on other blog sites and shared across social media, while many men AND women could relate to my experience, whether they themselves were or had experienced some form of negative affects of using porn, or whether they had a partner who was using porn and it caused problems in the relationship. Still, not everyone agreed with my conclusions that porn was bad for a man’s sexual health. 

In this episode, I’m gonna share my experience with what I’ll call a mild porn addiction, including what happened to my body, that scared the living shit out of me, which was why I quit using porn, and why I generally think you should, too. I’ll share 6 reasons why I believe men should quit porn, and I’ll also share 5 warning signs that, if you’re experiencing any of them, you should seriously consider giving up using porn, because it ain’t serving you.

Of course, who am I to tell another man what he should or shouldn’t think or do, so in the end this is obviously your call to make.

I’m a heterosexual man, so I speak to my experience with porn through a male heterosexual filter. If you’re a woman, or don’t see through my particular filter, well, I’ve no doubt this will be a profound episode for you just the same, because like a lithe body wrapped in black latex, the era of pornography is upon us in a way it has never been before!

So, take a deep breath, and stay present with me, all the way through to the end of this episode of Men, This Way …

One other thing, I’d be honored if you left a review of this podcast on your podcast app – your thoughtful words can make a real difference as to whether another person will listen to and benefit from this podcast, and given the state of man’s mental health in the world, and our deep longing for connection to other men, our hunger to explore wisdom-seeking with other men, well, your words alone could help another man decide this podcast is worth his time. So please consider leaving a review. It costs you nothing but a few minutes of your time, and can legit make a real difference in the world of a man, and everyone who cares about that man.

And I read every review … so I thank you in advance.

** For Apple Podcasts, click here. Then click “Listen on Apple Podcasts” where you can leave the review IN THE PODCAST APP.

Alright …

Let’s dive …

RESOURCES

6 Reasons Why Men Must Give Up Pornography

5 Warning Signs You Should Quit Porn … Today!

“The Boundaries Program: Relationships Suck Without Boundaries!”