Internet pornography: Men watch it while their wives and girlfriends tend to despair that they do.
Sure, not all men watch it and not all women are upset about it. Still, when I talk about my own experiences with a mild porn addiction, and why men should consider giving it up, I inevitably hear more from women whose feedback ranges from bewildered to enraged to downright shaming towards men:
- “Why would he use porn when he has a willing partner in the next room?”
- “Something in him must be broken if he needs to use porn.”
- “It’s so wrong when a man uses porn knowing it hurts his partner.”
- “Men clearly just need more sex.”
- “Men are gross, selfish, depraved. They should be ashamed of themselves.”
I get it.
Women have long been hurt by men’s uncaring, dismissive attitudes towards their needs; by men overwhelmingly exploiting and using women’s bodies for their own pleasure and gain; and by men using porn (and other women) to avoid and escape intimacy.
The anger is legit!
The blaming and shaming, on the other hand, isn’t helpful to anyone. It certainly won’t likely lead to meaningful change.
Based on working intimately with men the last 8 years as a life coach, as well as my own personal experience, I’ve identified 9 core motivations a man may use porn. Many are secrets even to himself.
These may not matter to you; may even cause more discomfort and upset than comes with the current state of confusion and misunderstanding.
However, I do believe when a man understands himself better, his motivations for any action, he grows his capacity to make better choices that actually serve his life, and by extension the lives of those he loves. Whereas, when he persists in ignorance – or worse, shame – he may move a habit such as porn underground where it is likely to poison the soil in which a fulfilling intimate relationship could otherwise grow.
So in service of bringing awareness to ignorance, conscious choice to blind habit, and helping both men and woman restore vitality to the fertile soils of real human intimacy, here are 9 core motivations men use porn:
Note: This is oriented towards heterosexual men, and I do not account for childhood sexual trauma as a potential contributing factor to watching porn though it may indeed be.
Warning: This may be confronting.
1) In porn, women seem happier and easier-to-please than real life women.
Reality rarely beats fantasy. Actual human women are complex, infinitely-layered creatures. They tend to come with an impressively wide range of feelings and no operator’s manual. Though ultimately, truth is we men wouldn’t have it any other way, for we’re soon bored with a partner we don’t feel challenged by.
Nonetheless, many a man believes his self-worth depends on whether he can make a woman happy, sexually or otherwise. Yet most every man eventually discovers (or decides) he has no more power to change a woman’s hurt feelings than he has to make the sun shine on a cloudy day. (note: he has far more impact than he realizes).
On the other hand, women in porn videos occur for a man as fairly simple creatures. At best, they’re happy and thrilled to let a man do whatever he wants with them. At worst, even if they start off resistant or in a “bad mood,” they’re easily persuaded into the open, enthusiastically willing, turned-on stance that makes a man easily feel good about himself.
Until he discovers that he requires the challenge of a real woman, and learns how the power of his presence can more or less reliably open her heart, the fleeting embrace of a fantasy woman may seem a better option to him.
2) In porn, sex is more reliable and easier to navigate than real life sex.
For many men, actual sex tends to be less reliable (on-demand) and less consistently satisfying than porn insists it should be.
We men don’t generally understand that for sex to be deeply fulfilling, more than technique, frequency, and a willing partner are required: A felt sensitivity to the body’s subtle rhythms and needs (our own and our partner’s) is also essential for consistently enjoyable sex.
Yet many men, even with great intention, do sex in jarring, disconnected, outcome-oriented ways that lack sensitivity to their partner’s body, and to their own bodies, too.
For one, we tend to move too fast: an erection without lubrication doesn’t hurt a man the way a vulva and vagina without lubrication hurts a woman.
We also tend to perform outcome-oriented sex for our own pleasure and orgasmic release. Like using a brillo pad to scrub dirt off the fine paint-job of a luxury car, when we do sex for the goal of orgasmic release we may get the job done, but we can actually hurt a partner’s more sensitive body and further numb our own. When our attention is on the outcome – orgasm, or avoiding it for longevity’s sake – we lose sight of the body’s more subtle in-the-moment responses to movement, pressure, and presence. Our lack of attention to subtle phenomenon requires a partner to be more vocal about what she needs in the moment, which can delay her surrender into pleasure. Or, to avoid hurting a man’s pride, many women choose instead to just shut their feeling body down as best they can and hang on for a bumpy ride.
Either way, she may be less likely to enjoy having sex with us, and might need more time to warm up as her body learns it can’t fully trust his presence and sensitivity to her physical/emotional needs.
Some men may object, insisting they do sex with a passion for pleasing their partner.
I often find that intention is rooted more in making himself look good than in actually figuring out what truly pleases her. By imposing his focus on orgasm/outcome onto her experience – “I need to give her pleasure/orgasm so she’ll think good of me (and so I’ll think good of myself)” – he can again ignore the body’s preference for a more subtle moment-by-moment pleasure ride. (to be fair, many women insist on outcome-focused sex, as well, which may further heighten performance-anxiety for everyone)
Also, porn sex is cleaner (no wet sheets or crying), quicker (fore-what?), and always conveniently engaged on his own terms (never a need to negotiate timing or desire).
All this can easily add up to a man preferring the quick-fix fantasy of porn sex over the slower, more nuanced and intricate art of sex with an actual human.
3) Online porn requires minimal (zero) emotional investment.
For many men, like women and sex, intimate relationship is also far better fantasy than reality.
Most of us still know very little of emotional connection and sustained conscious presence – two things an intimate partner tends to want consistently from a man.
Yet online porn requires neither his presence nor any emotion. A man can be in and out of shallow intimacy within minutes, even seconds, and with nary a complaint nor emotional entanglement from anyone.
However, although it is an easy out for a man, it’s also, inevitably less satisfying. We weren’t born to play safe in love. If we’re ever to do relationship well – not to mention be deeply fulfilled in our lives – learning how to be emotionally connected and invested in relationship with others is essential.
4) It offers his primal body endless opportunities to procreate.
Love and pleasure aside, the purely genetic-level imperative of male ejaculation is to impregnate a woman for the sake of perpetuating humankind.
When a man watches porn, his DNA is feasted via his hungry dilated eyes with a smorgasbord of fertile women that would be the envy of the greatest harem palaces throughout all antiquity.
Obviously, he’s not actually impregnating anyone. Good thing, too, for very few men today could offer sufficient resources for the care and feeding of all those new babies! There’s also not a man alive who could provide the emotional support and attention even just a few of those new mom’s would surely want of him.
His DNA knows nothing of this, nor does it care. It only wants to see itself survived into another generation.
Porn is the ultimate DNA delusion of grandiose ambition, which keeps many a man coming (back) to it.
5) It quickly gifts him the experience of big feelings.
The mass consumption of porn exists in part because men are daily desperate to feel fully alive.
Modern man is largely bored out of his mind and disconnected from his soul. We live in a world designed to keep us numb, distracted from our deepest purpose, incessantly busy trying to succeed by someone else’s measures.
The very moment a man turns on a video of his preferred sexual act, his body turns on a pleasure cocktail of chemicals that light him up: dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin, vasopressin, endorphins, serotonin.
For this potent drug, a man is his own dealer, and his needle the phone in his pocket.
There ain’t much else in a modern man’s distracted, disconnected, oft-disappointing life that can consistently make him feel so good, so quickly, so reliably, and with such minimal effort on his part.
To overcome this reality, a man must be willing to forego a safe life of comfort and convenience for a courageous life in which he fully commits to daily seeking and living out his deepest authentic purpose. For it’s only on this courageous path of purpose that he can consistently feel the fullness of being alive without resorting to porn (or other feeling-giving addictions).
6) It offers his masculine-essence endless opportunities for adventure.
The second tragedy in a relationship happens the moment we think we actually know our intimate partner. (The first happens when we believe this mysterious new being will somehow “complete“ us.)
For the moment she ceases to be a mystery to us – physically, or otherwise – we lose curiosity towards her and our conscious attention wavers. We stop relating to the actual human before us and run off with our thoughts, dreams, and desires.
It’s a tragedy we inflict on ourselves, for the more masculine-identified one is, the more he (or she) will crave mystery and adventure. The expression of masculine essence in any person causes us to crave new perspectives, new experiences, new adventures; it compels us to penetrate into the unknown, to finally bring witness to whatever may be there.
This is why men (many women, too) have forever climbed dangerous mountains, sailed oceans to the horizon, crossed deadly deserts, and even lived quietly in monasteries exploring inwardly for God. It’s why we tend to love video games (adventure!), epic movies (adventure!), and attempting to solve life’s biggest problems (adventure!).
We’re easily bored without some intriguing adventure to occupy our time, whether into the world or into our selves. Diving deep “into relationship” with another can offer the greatest mystery adventure a man may ever set himself upon.
Tragically, it’s still the rare man that allows his partner to be an enduring mystery. Most decide she’s a mystery too difficult to bother with. Especially when he needs only to press his thumb to his phone for instant access to an endless variety of freshly mysterious women all-too-willing to let their bodies be used as a landscape for whatever adventure he desires.
7) Sexuality and Love have long been disconnected in a man.
Love and sex have little to do with each other for many men.
Most boys typically first learn to sexually pleasure ourselves with our penis in one hand and a magazine (these days a phone) in the other. Thus we learn we don’t need another body present to be turned on.
And that’s often even before puberty hits.
Around age 12 we suddenly get flooded with tidal waves of testosterone which begin to potentially inhibit our emotions (other than anger). Competitive peer pressure from other boys begins to intensify at this age. Many boys soon learn that intimate access to a girl’s pretty face and body can give him both status among the other boys and also really good feelings in his own body – even if he doesn’t have emotional feelings for or about her.
As adults, many men do learn to enjoy sex more with a partner they feel love towards. Men also do tend to feel more connected during sex, for our bodies release more of the “bonding-hormone” oxytocin through physical contact.
A man may even go watch porn in the bathroom to get his excited, with the loving intention of quickly bringing that freshly lit fire in his loins to the bedroom for the benefit of his partner.
Still, I regularly watch men express shock and confusion when they finally get that their partner rarely experiences the same level of connection during sex. Often that has little to do with his lack of fire or desire, and more to do with his lack of emotional presence.
8) Porn is most men’s sex-educator, and has been for a long time.
A boy’s onset of sexual feelings is typically confronted with a deafening silence from parents and elders who won’t (can’t) teach him about how to do sex well.
Or they get essentially useless advice. (my father’s only memorable advice on women was never order spaghetti on a first date because it makes for messy eating, and don’t date a therapist. Naturally, I married a therapist.) His brothers and friends are as ignorant and clueless as he is. Though they won’t likely admit it, particularly if they’re watching porn, too.
Naturally then, he’s gonna look to porn for insight, guidance, mentoring.
But online porn is like a “MadLibs Kama Sutra for Dummies Who Want to Stay Dummies.” It’s saturated with out-of-context encounters, body-desensitizing techniques, and self-focused aspirational sex that cares little for relating to a partner’s experience. Learning from porn hardly helps create mutually satisfying and connected sexual interactions with a human partner.
9. He doesn’t viscerally feel any negative consequences to using porn.
Tony Robbins famously said (allegedly), “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” (I have no idea his opinion on porn)
After coaching men these last 9 years, I find this to be overwhelmingly true, particularly for all things relationship.
I often find myself telling a woman – when she’s aching for some meaningful change in how her partner is showing up, yet she is contenting herself to stay despite his refusal to take any responsibility for the state of things – that he isn’t likely to change (his behavior) in helpful ways until he really gets that he will lose her if he doesn’t change.
When I suggest the same to men – that they may need to lose her before they’ll make any meaningful changes – they’re often quick to agree with me, if begrudgingly so.
When a man doesn’t believe, or accept, that watching porn hurts anyone, he isn’t likely to stop. His partner trying to convince him with words or hurt feelings rarely convinces him. He’s far too practiced at rationalizing away his impact on her feelings, and his feelings altogether.
If his porn use is truly hurting her she must communicate to him in clear and certain terms that she isn’t able to stay long in relationship with a man who won’t lean into deepening intimacy with her – which means being willing to face whatever challenges, dragons, or fantasies he’s given himself to that may be preventing intimacy from deepening.
Men need to be challenged. Always with respect. Never with shame. Challenge is what sharpens his consciousness and straightens his backbone. If he doesn’t feel challenged by his relationship, to grow, he won’t. If he’s enabled to love small, he will. Not because men are bad. But because we tend to need compelling reasons (that matter to us) to fully show up.
In my experience, inside the overwhelming majority of men lives a noble heart. It may be buried under lifetimes of wounding, pain, and misguided learning. But it’s in there. Most men never want to hurt anyone, least of all the ones they love.
In the end, a man watches porn because it’s easy to and it feels really good. He won’t likely stop until meaningfully negative consequences of doing so show up in his body, viscerally.
What does this bring up for you? Did I miss something? Do you think I got it wrong? Please let me know in the comments below (I read ‘em all).
I dated a guy who had only used porn his entire life (26 years) and his worry all the time was not to finish quickly. We never ever connected emotionally the whole time we had sex, it was just an act for him to get off that even though he was a great guy, leaving him was easy.
Porn use among young men is tragically EPIDEMIC. And we will be reconciling with the consequences of this for many many years to come.
I don’t disagree with anything here, but I’d add that there are more mundane reasons for porn use as well. Sometimes it’s just the fastest way to get the job done. My partner watches it when he masturbates, and that’s fine with me as I’m not always available for sex. As long as it doesn’t interfere with our sex life, it’s cool. What does bother me is younger men using porn as sex ed. But the solution to that is having real sex education in American schools, and there’s a long way to go to achieve that.
It will eventually affect your relationship in the long run. Now that you accepted it will always be apart of your relationship.
nah. you can be indifferent towards it. personally i don’t care that my partner does it. but communication is key, cuz some people do care about that stuff. and that’s ok too.
I have noticed a definite change in my married relationship since my husband could use his phone to look at porn. He has more of a relationship with his phone than me. We used to have great sex and he was affectionate overall when with me. Now we’re like mates and it pisses me off. His answer is well what pork do u want to look at…like I have a problem or lacking something sexual..that really pisses me off. Porn is the ruin on man in that they just don’t bother to care about their lovers anymore, and why would they if they can look at anything they like whenever they like. Boys and their toys. Same shit just another easier way. I never minded porn but now it’s taking over normal healthy intimacy that is enjoyable for both. It’s never going to be the same again. I’m done trying easier to just go to sleep and ignore my drowning heartache.
I feel the same way may as well be alone
So, basically, men are shallow, unforgivable creatures who are in relationships for quick sex, watch porn for quick orgasms, and they never really learn how to have a real connection. Connection means “insert penis here” to them. After reading this, I’m thinking perhaps I should be asexual or lesbian. Ugh.
I’m with you. Before I knew what assholes men were, I supported marriage. What the fuck was it for? It certainly wasn’t for mutual honesty and love if we got to go to some man on line explain what fuckers we were married to.
Not all men only those who dont care about their marriage or partner. According to stats women are not innocent in this. I read 87% of woman in USA have watched porn and woman 25 and under searches for pornography at least once a month.
I’d suggest there are more … useful … conclusions you could make from this article 🙂
Yeah, maybe all of us “cuckholded” women should watch porn and jack off to it.
I did and I’m never going back. I get off every time and don’t have to worry about the way I look or if I’m too much work. Porn is the most selfless lover in the world, I mean all these sex workers give and don’t require you to give anything back but some money so they can pay their bills, then they get treated terribly. Now I just turn to them when I’m turned on.
I’m not going to sit around waiting by the phone, so to speak, while he looks at thousands of other people naked. Apparently I’m just one in a long line of naked bodies and what we had is meaningless, and I’m the worst looking one. Oh well, I’m not gonna wait around for him, we can both go find digital sex instead. I’ve spent too long controlling my own eyes and fantasies to be monogamous and he didn’t. I’m at the point where I want to let our relationship fizzle to death.
I actually think most of these points apply to women as well. Even number 1, I imagine a lot of women like to fantasize that sex was that easy, but seriously, these points aren’t exclusive to men.
I did actually appreciate the article overall. And actually sent it to my husband, who took the time to read it. He said it has made him really think about things as far as how he pays (or doesn’t pay) attention at times that are important.
My only confusion is the last couple sentences…so you’re saying that unless he has to suffer the loss of our relationship he will never change. I disagree. If BOTH partners feel respected, it’s a willingness to openly communicate (even when it’s uncomfortable) and without shame. I for one, am nothing more than a human – that said obviously I’ve made decisions etc that are less than flattering at times, hurt others unintentionally and what not. I certainly don’t want to be shamed for them or have to pay for it forever so to speak. Perhaps forgetting we are all in fact humans and far from perfect is also a core issue. Our husbands are not perfect and neither are we. Perhaps completely different areas of life where imperfection lies, however, neither of which is more or less “bad” than the other. Just bitching about everything whether it is to a man or woman is exhausting at minimum and a humans ability to actually listen to what is being said reduces to nil.
Personally I feel this explains Men really really well from what I have been through and it makes sense. I especially like the part of coming with respect and not shame. I absolutely do not come with respect because I don’t feel respected BUT I want to work on that and create a safe space. Creating a safe space does not mean I cannot have clear boundaries and say “this isn’t acceptable for me and we can work through it or I will need to exit myself from the situation” that gives him an opportunity to learn and me an out if he doesn’t . Men are just humans after all just like women, they too suffer from their biological urges. I see my Husband suffer because he does want the connection but deals with his own bag of weight from the world. Anyway thank you. I do not agree with the comments from the other two Women above. I feel they didn’t even read the article.
Thank you Morgan 🙏
Sounds like bullshit excuses to me. It’s not any different than infidelity. Might as well be cheating on her, just the same.
My wife gets in the mood for sex about once every three months and I think that’s because she feels guilty, not because she wants to.
I hear Zoloft doesn’t help things. She has no sex drive and I don’t have the capacity to align the stars regularly to get her in the mood.
Is it normal for women to never get horny and initiate sex. Tired of chasing and never getting chased. 35 years of marriage.
That all depends, if she doesn’t have confidence in herself ,or has ever been told no on the rare occasion she has initiated it ..theres no way she will humiliate herself again she will go without and wait for you to initiate it and only have sex when you want it.
This was extremely informative. I appreciate reading the prospective . It gave me a better understanding. I do understand it feels good and it’s so easy to do. I am still wanting to understand: a man who loves his partner fiercely and does want to deepen the connection between one another, and also understands how it hurts when he wants to look at other women only to sexualize them for their pressure… Has chosen not to , but still craves it. Will that craving ever go away?
This was beautifully written and helped me understand much better.
What about husband’s married to celibate wives
Truth is only brutal when it’s true(; But it’s also comforting; a conciliatory salve, a mild anesthetic to numb the bare knuckled blows to all our defenseless vital organs so that all this emotional injury is not absorbed all at once, but as a trickle of envy, rage, longing, self-disgust, despair, and so on.
I have no complaint for you, Bryan, you have hit the nail on the head. (Which I suppose I could’ve just said in the first place, but then I would be the uncomplicated, simple women that I strive to be and loathe simultaneously.) ((;
I have only a query; for each and every one of your brilliantly insightful point ( not sarcasm, I truly am impressed), can you please broach on the possibility of an answer, an activity, a solution for me, the unlucky protagonist (?) of this tragic reality? I will be waiting in breathless anticipation for your response! ( once again, not sarcasm; I smoke, and I also accidentally hold my breath alot)
Thank you for the honest article. I am here because my partner of 40 years, has been watching porn for the last 11 months. I found out by finally looking at our cable network bill and was shocked, hurt, and insulted. This man never gave me any concern regarding something like this, ever. He had prostate cancer five years ago and I assumed he was no longer interested in sex. It turns out, not that he wasn’t interested in me, it was that I had checked out in the relationship due to my own feelings of unattractiveness. I went back and started doing the research as to what may have been my part in the matter. After some very difficult conversations, I realize this man has been doing everything on his part to make our marriage work, and now, I am working to have him feel like the man I’ve always known him to be. And it is so good to have him back.
It’s disgusting and makes women not want to be with their partner no more good job fellas
Women should attempt to show “empathy” toward this behavior? My husband and I have been together over 40 years. Never once did he ever give me any reason to worry about him being fulfilled in our sex life. I discovered he’d been developing a healthy porn habit over the last 11 months, coinciding with my breast cancer surgery. Since I had a list of what he’d been watching from our bill, I was able to do some detailed research. First, the titles and descriptions objectify, humiliate, and denigrate women. Why is it that the women who do this are titled and described as “sluts” and “whores” when men are right there thrusting and ejaculating away, but there is no derogatory comments regarding THEIR behavior? Empathy? Do you realize how this DAMAGES a spouse or partner? My husband has looked at the genitals of over 300 women, our own daughter’s age and younger. For your article to soften this behavior is SICK and DISGUSTING. I never once worried about what my husband was doing or thinking. Now, if he is with me, I’m wondering whose genitals he’s thinking about. When he watches television and an attractive woman is on the screen, I’m wondering if he’s thinking about what her genitals look like. Our sex life will NEVER be the same again. This was sacred and precious to me. I never wanted to be someone like this. To cushion this behavior is to approve of something tearing up this world.
Your story is very similar to mine, as is your reaction and how you’re feeling. I would find it very difficult now to have sex with my husband even if he initiated it – which he doesn’t/won’t, because he prefers his on screen, skinny young girls to his middle aged, non skinny wife. I discovered his porn habit a few years ago by pure accident, felt so shocked because it had never even crossed my mind he would watch so much porn. I tried to talk to him about it, tried to explain how hurt it made me feel, but all to no avail. We both now just pretend nothing’s wrong. After nearly forty years together, and what used to be a great sex life, our relationship now is a sham.
Porn is the death of marriages and relationships! This is one of the reasons why so many couples are divorcing and people are breaking up. Real connections, emotional connections with your spouse are gone. Porn is not realistic, although, what we watch and cum to is a physical dopamine hit that is just the same as a drug. Porn is a drug and addictive, men doing it for years and almost in their 50s never satisfied with their spouse and breaking hearts for temporary satisfaction. After seeing so many women and pussies it’s hard to know what a man even likes and will eventually scroll between pics and porn videos because nothing satisfies him enough. All the years of various porn watching numbs his mind, so he needs a quick dopamine hit and find his next eye candy.
Hang in there ladies! There is a cancer going around with this thought of porn is okay, but if you do other searches men and women are starting to see the dangers in porn. There are good men out there that aren’t into this nonsense.
Men can be perverts and watch a real couples in real life have sex, or women in real life seduce them with their body.
One reason why some women are fed up with men.
Thankfully, not all men have this disgusting thought process.
Porn is not okay and sadly young kids and teenagers are coming to this mindset. Even videos on YouTube describing how porn is okay for teens. How is something bad and ultimately healthy made good? This world is completely going backwards.
Thanks for the insight. I don’t argue these reasons, but would love to see more advocating for reasons that this practice of porn watching should not be done. Understanding the why it’s done doesn’t expose the damage that’s done to many many women on the planet, even those that are in the porn industry. There can be many residual effects to these women that they are unaware of due to a lack of maturity. I personally find porn to be absolutely disgusting, ridiculously fake and extremely disturbing, just as many women see it. The objectification of women has been going on for centuries and the pain women have endured from this throughout time is immense. I sometimes feel so cheated being born a woman, yet cannot imagine how awful it must feel to be an insensitive,, ignorant and selfishly chauvinistic man, yet be privileged. Society has created much of this with gender roles and expectations.The majority of viewers that feed the porn industry are men which keep it a multibillion dollar industry. A question that comes up is how would men feel if their partner was watching pornography. In general, men do not have the same expectation set upon them to be a beautiful goddess at all times. The unfortunate truth is that women are made to feel they should be tall, thin, made up with hair done, makeup and nails creating the perfect sexy woman…there to please a man. Media supports these expectations with flaunting beauty everywhere, starting at the preschool audience with Disney films. Have you ever seen an unattractive princess? Therefore, men are not as effected by insecurities of not measuring up to the ideal man as women are. Men also want to try out these things in porn on their partner. How well does this go over for the women when they realize they’re being treated and compared to the porn pussies? Most women who find out their partner is watching porn will be disgusted and extremely hurt, always wondering if he is thinking of a porn pussy rather than being engrossed in the emotional closeness of his real life partner. This drives a wedge that will never be completely repaired. Do the men care? Probably not. So, how about reversing the question, how would the man feel if his partners pussy is out on the internet and many men are jerking off to their partner? Would that likely bother these men that are so engrossed in watching other women’s pussies? Who knows? But the fact is, when a relationship becomes monogamous, the couple should discuss the boundaries of this and it SHOULD be respected. Otherwise, what type of a relationship is it? Just like porn, it’s fake.
It is my hope for the future that women will be equally respected and not objectified. Of course if this were to ever happen, it would be many many years in the future. But it will never happen unless people are educated in the gender expectations and follow through with teaching boys and girls differently than previous generations. It starts there.
i mean personally i wouldn’t really care if my spouse or partner watched porn unless it was hindering their life somehow (i.e. it became a genuine addiction and they were rendered unable to give it their all). but that’s just me. everyone’s different, i’ve come to realize. i like being objectified, others don’t. i don’t like porn, others do. regardless, like you said, communication is key, and boundaries must be respected in order for a truly meaningful relationship to blossom.
Totally agree! if it’s not effecting our physical intimacy and sex life or used as a replacement for actual human closeness I could care less. It’s his penis and he’s in full control of it, not me!
I was in a short relationship for five years. But in that time, I gave my partner blow jobs nearly everyday and I truly enjoyed it, I was very attracted to him as a person and he rarely had to do the most to impress me, I thought he was an awesome person and that’s because I observed and learnt over time who he was without forcing it and needing him to tell me. Anytime he wanted to have sex, I was willing, role-play was fun, I was probably more confident about it then he was, my attention to him didn’t only include just acts of sex, I made sure he had a beer ready and cold for him in the fridge after work, I gave him massages if his body was in pain, I was also very open to try anything that might have excited him. I was happy and I was happy to make him feel good. Now the only thing I didn’t have was the ability to morph into a whole other woman for the night, reading your explanation really only gave me one reason that could help me justify his porn habit and that was that I alone wasn’t enough, in his perfect world I would be there to service him full time while other women were there to service him temporarily when he got bored of seeing my body, my face, hearing my moans, or feeling my lips, and sometimes those moments would last 2 weeks at a time, and it felt pretty ugly. And so now I will never again invest this much time into another relationship or man, or sex even if I really want to or enjoy it, because I won’t ever let myself feel by someone else that I do not compare to the smorgasbord of freshly fertile women waiting in an online Harlem.
Really appreciate your article.
My bf of a little over a year has struggled with it his whole life. We are in our 40’s. He has never climaxed with me. The only way he can when he jerks off to porn. I know he loves me and he has tried to enjoy sex with me, but it’s like he has completely desensitized himself. I hate feeling jealous of porn stars who obviously satisfy him more than I do. It makes me feel very self conscious and insecure. It’s degrading and has definitely driven a wedge in our relationship.
Quite honestly I could care less if my husband watches porn and sometimes watch with him. It’s not becoming a problem nor is it used as a means to keep from having sex with me. As long as he’s satisfying my wants, needs, and desires when I want then he can jerk off to whatever fantasy bimbo he likes. I’d rather him watch porn than to have him lie about a secret side piece, or paying hookers. He has a healthy sexual appetite and wants sex very often and sometimes I’m just not in the mood. If he wants to watch a cheesy story lined raunchy sexual encounter in order to bring himself to orgasm he has my blessing. I’m not going to objectify him or make him feel bad for being a man! I’m also not going create a problem where there isn’t one.
I found this extremely helpful
So basically, you’ve explained in detail what we already know- most men are selfish, self centered and lazy, and will only be truly loving if it costs them something not to. What is the solution? I personally feel like I know what it is- that they just stop all this immediately. Stop being a shit person. It’s not hard. Literally just wake up tomorrow and be better. Be the valiant man you want to be instead of this pissweak version that destroy womens happiness from puberty to the grave. Summary, grow up.
this is the most insightful, intelligent answer to this ? ever written